How to ask for cash as wedding present?

edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Weddings & Anniversaries
112 replies 45.1K views
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  • exilexil Forumite
    1.2K Posts
    Well, wedding customs are strange. The wedding itself costs a small fortune, thus putting the newlyweds in financial trouble from the outset. OK, parents might pay for it - but can they afford it when they might be retired or with little in the way of savings? And then there are the presents - I may be a little mean but do I really want to buy the couple things such as a giant TV or a cruise which I cannot afford to buy myself? Overall result is a lot of money is spent on things we don't really need and no-one benefits in any meaningful way.

    Originally of course the idea was that relatives and friends would set up the couple in their new home with a complete set of new crockery, bedlinen and the like, and the quid-pro-quo would be plenty to eat and drink at the wedding breakfast. The bride's parents would pay for the nosh and drinks as they would now be getting shot of the daughter and no longer having to support her financially - to such an extent it was worth handing over a dowry as well.

    Things have changed - our customs haven't yet caught up.

    Since I have a daughter I feel a bit like the guy in Father of the Bride - rather dreading the expense, all for one day's binge of eating and drinking, when a marriage is for life. I'd much rather spend the money on driving lessons, deposit on a house etc rather than on 200 smoked salmon vol-au-vents.
  • JetJet Forumite
    1.6K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
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    I wonder how many people have turned down invitations to weddings because they simply can't afford it? I know I have! :o

    As someone else pointed out, it's the travelling, cost of new outfit, cost of the drinks on the day (most likely not a free bar, in my experience), childcare, petrol, overnight accomodation. And on top of that you are expected to provide a donation to fund someone's luxurious honeymoon.

    I'm not going to put myself into debt so someone else can have a luxurious holiday! I never asked them to spend x, y or z on an expensive reception and I certainly don't expect it.

    A small wedding where nothing more is expected than your presence is about the wedding, and the couple, and not about keeping up with the Jones's.

    I suppose a donation box at the reception is the best compromise - it would need to be mentioned on the invite, but if I did that I would make sure I wrote to everyone at the wedding and thanked them for their presence and company on the wedding day.

    The last wedding I went to, not only did I get the "nicely" worded poem asking for money but I never even got a thank you - verbal or written. I had to actually ask the groom if he received it, and only then, did I get a thank you! :mad:
  • fay144 wrote:
    So my question is: If an invite said, "bring us nothing, but if you really want to, make a donation to wherever", would that offend? Would people ignore it?

    We'd have no way of knowing how much was donated, so people could donate as much or little as they wanted.
    Most charities, when you ask for donations in place of, say flowers for a funeral will send you a note of who has donated so you can thank them in turn. I imagine the same would be the case with marriage donations.

    You do rather run the risk of turning your wedding into a benefit gig (Fay's wedding: In benefit of Cancer Research. Presented by: Terry Wogan) with this approach, I think, although it's a nice idea.

    You could do with some knives as well, so you could ask for them if people would prefer to stick to gifts.
  • fay144fay144 Forumite
    796 Posts
    KidMoe wrote:
    You could do with some knives as well, so you could ask for them if people would prefer to stick to gifts.

    :D Though knowing the in-laws, I'd be more likely to get some more clothes pegs and some personalised stationary with someone else's address on it.
  • JustieJustie Forumite
    1.8K Posts
    There are a lot of assumptions being made about this couple. They may be working all hours to save up enough money to pay £2000 for their wedding and be looking to go camping in the Lakes for a week for their honeymoon or something equally cheap. Nowhere does the OP say they're spending megabucks on either their wedding or their honeymoon and frankly it's no one's business anyway. Giving guests an idea of what would be appreciated by the couple seems to be expected these days so I don't see how it is any more rude to ask for cash than for gifts personally.
  • JetJet Forumite
    1.6K Posts
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    ✭✭✭
    Justie - not assumptions about the wedding anyway.....
    if you are happy attending a wedding which a 'friend' has perhaps paid the best part of £30 per head for their guests
  • super41super41 Forumite
    245 Posts
    i wanted everything i ever dreamt of for my big day and believe me i got it, my wedding day cost £28,000, yes i could have had a wedding that cost me £1000 but why should i when i only planned to get married once and wanted a day to remember!

    As far as I'm concerned people are entitled to spend their money on what they choose, but how were you able to spend this much on a wedding? I assume it must have included a pretty swish holiday. I also got the day I always wanted but in came in at about £2000. I guess it's all a case of aspirations (perhaps my lack of!)

    However judging by your username and the fact that you're on a money saving site with the rest of us, you're still paying for your dream day!
  • fay144 wrote:
    :D Though knowing the in-laws, I'd be more likely to get some more clothes pegs and some personalised stationary with someone else's address on it.

    You can never have enough clothes pegs.
  • super41 wrote:
    As far as I'm concerned people are entitled to spend their money on what they choose, but how were you able to spend this much on a wedding? I assume it must have included a pretty swish holiday. I also got the day I always wanted but in came in at about £2000. I guess it's all a case of aspirations (perhaps my lack of!)

    However judging by your username and the fact that you're on a money saving site with the rest of us, you're still paying for your dream day!

    Actually no im not still paying for my big day as i have a wonderful father that footed the bill, as i am his first of 6 daughters and the first to get married and like most girls fathers if they can afford it they want their daughter to have the best day of their lives which i did! And he will also be paying for the same weddings for my other 5 sisters too.

    The £28,000 did not include a honeymoon and we paid for that ourselves, we went to Portugal with our 2 year old son for 12 days - nothing extravagant but was a fantastic holiday all the same!

    Our venue cost £15,000, we had around 200 guests - 3 course sit down meal with wines and champagne, a buffet in the evening for all the guests.

    I had my invites handmade along with the table settings, plan etc, I had 6 bridesmaids and one matron of honour, 4 ushers, 1 best man all had to be dressed!

    I had a fantastic photograher and videographer which cost around £4,000, the flowers cost around £2,000. I hired a childrens entertainer for the children whilst the speeches were being done and also 4 nannies to care for the children whilst they were eating their meals and keep them amused. I hired a huge bouncy castle for the kids to play on, i had a huge fireworks display at the end of the night which cost around £1500, i hired all of the rooms at the venue which was about 8 for the close family members to stay and we had a free bar all day and night!! Oh and my dress which was about £1500.

    Thats what my dad spent the £28,000 on and much appreciated it was too!!

    ;)
  • I think I am a bit funny about being asked for money as a wedding gift. I would prefer to buy something off a wedding list of have a trawl around the shops. We have given vouchers in the past which for me has been a compromise. Certainly there are some weddings we have been invited to , and a combination of logistics and finances have prevented us from going. I think in answer to the OP question , the best way ,is to have something worded like "please contact Waynes' or Coleens mum on the following number, for full details of gift options".
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