14 year old daughter having sex...what the hell do i do??? :-(

ruby-roo_2

If I were the boys parents I would want to be informed. How they choose to handle the situation will be up to them, however if they dont know what is going on they can't do anything. Is the boyfriend the same age as your daughter? At 14 she is under the age of sexual consent. At their ages, if they are determined to have a sexual relationship, there is sadly little you can do to stop it. If you tell them it cant happen under your roof they will just find somewhere else to go and do the deed.

All you can do is advise your daughter of all the precautions she should be taking and make her aware of all the risks she is exposing herself to. If god forbid, she falls pregnant, is she fully emotionally aware of what she would face; could she be a teenage mum, cope if she were to miscarry, or in the event she doesn't want the baby does she realise the enormity of having a termination? Does she know that having sexual relationships exposes people to stds, some of which can cause all kinds of damage? Does she appreciate that at 14 her body is still developing and her actions now could cause implications to her health later on?

To be honest, from what you describe of the actions of your daughter and her boyfriend, they dont seem mature enough to handle a sexual relationship and all it involves. I hope her father will see sense and start working with you over this situation. He is doing her no favours by setting you up to look like the bad guy, making a big deal out of nothing.

pyjamadays

hi again
everyone has given me good advice and I have thought about it a lot. I haven't had a chance to talk to her as she's still at her dads. He says he's going to talk to her tonight so hopefully we will be saying the same things to her.
I found a few more notes between her and friends with her asking them what she should do, from other things written it sounds like her boyfriend has been pressuring her into it and they fell out about it, so I think she felt like she had to. most of her friends seemed to have been telling her to wait.
they will not be left alone anymore-I'm not even sure I want him back in the house (for his own safety as I may punch him square in the nose!!!) I'm going to say to her that if loved her as much as he claims to then he should have waited until she's ready.

he is 15 and they only started going out just before Xmas, a whole 2 months!!!

Hanging_by_a_thread

I would definately recommend speaking with the boys parents. If they are responsible types I doubt they would be to happy at the thought of their son having sex with an under age girl.

gibson123

I think i would pick a quiet moment and tell her how much I love her, that the love I have for her is unconditional and there is nothing that will change how I feel about her. I would tell her all the things about her that make me proud of her as a parent and my hopes and dreams for her. Then i would ask to talk about what happened and about how I feel about it. I would tell her I thought she was too young physically and emotionally to have a sustained sexual relationship, that i was worried she was pressured into it and concerned that she would get pregnant or an STI. I would ask her to tell me what should happen next and how i should support her.

gibson123

My own 13 year old daughter just read my post and said yeah, that's what you would do AFTER you hit the roof, slapped me with a wet fish and locked me in my room for the rest of my life.... so perhaps she knows me better than myself

lara_412

I agree with everyone else. It's best to chat to your daughter and have a good heart-to-heart. I would also advise a trip to a GUM clinic if she did sleep with him with no protection.

I'm not a parent but when I was a little older than your daugher (16) I was exactly the same and never listened to my parents. Thankfully they never hit the roof and always trusted I used contraception.

splishsplash

OP, you are the girl's mother, not her friend. As such, your primary job is to protect her and help her develop into the best person she can be. What has happened has happened, and you must now deal with it. The first priority is to talk to her (either you or her dad). If she feels she was pressured into having sex, then you need to make her understand that the boy is no good for her, doesn't deserve her, and she would be far better without him. I would definitely talk to his parents, and if I had my way, would ban him forever and let him know in no uncertain terms that he was unwelcome in my house. I would then devote considerable time to making sure her self-esteem and confidence in the world and men was restored. If she feels she decided she wanted to have sex, then you're in to damage limitation. She's 14, and the last thing you want is for her to carry baggage like guilt or shame away from this. However, the truth is she's far too young to be having sex, so you must insist this stops now and explain the reasons why.

My girls are nineteen and seventeen. While they were growing up and entering their teen years, I often pondered how I would approach the whole areas of sex, drugs and rock n roll, so to speak. Written punishments were the way I chose to go - typically I looked for a three page (A4 pad) essay. Titles were things like 'Why my mother had a problem with what I did'; 'What my life will be like when I'm 25'; 'If I were my mother, how should I handle this situation, and why?'; or the one I just gave DD2 a couple of weeks ago 'Why my mother doesn't seem to trust me to be safe out late at night'. Those essays have proved valuable over the years - usually a bit of a laugh, but good conversation starters and a chance for them to reflect on what they're doing and how their decisions impact the future.

If your daughter likes to write, then maybe it's a way to start a dialogue? I don't mean as a punishment, just as a way to get her to start thinking about exactly what she's doing with her life, and how she could choose 'health-enhancing' behaviours rather than 'health-risk' behaviours?

splishsplash

gibson123 wrote: »

My own 13 year old daughter just read my post and said yeah, that's what you would do AFTER you hit the roof, slapped me with a wet fish and locked me in my room for the rest of my life.... so perhaps she knows me better than myself

I'm IMing my 19year old and asked her what she thought my reaction would be. She said I'd flip out and go nuts. Then she asked if it had anything to do with her 14 year old brother :eek::rotfl:.

tinkle

I appreciate you must be very angry and upset, but you are invading her privacy by reading notes between her and her friends. I was in a similar situation when i was your daughters age, my mother went through my bedroom, read letters, read my diary....The list goes on. Years later our relationship has never recovered, I do not trust her and never will, due to her invading my privacy.

GlasweJen

Not much help but if my mum caught me having sex at 14 I would have been buried!

I agree with the sentiment that you need to be her mother and not her friend but I'm not sure how you'd go about fixing this. I suppose you need to ask yourself if you are ok with her continuing to have sex or not.