14 year old daughter having sex...what the hell do i do??? :-(

suki1001

Oh, it all brings such awful memories of when my mum found my pill in my jeans pocket one day! She didn't talk to me for 2 days. I was 16 and I had been going out with my boyfriend for a while.

Please bare with me on the following, there is a point!

Having been brought up Catholic, I grew up thinking that no sex before marriage and other such things were rules.
Then a lot later in life, I had a chat with a girl who was a Christian. She had decided that she wasn't going to have sex before marriage. What struck me were the reasons, she had a real understanding of why she was doing this. It wasn't because she was abiding by the rules, but because she had an enormous amount of respect for her body. I remember thinking, that as a teenager, I had completely missed the point of the rules. No one had ever explained them properly. It wasn't about rules, it was about having enough respect for yourself to make the right decisions in life. I'm not saying I think people should nessecarily wait until marriage, but I think thins girl was really clued up about why rules were put in place.

Back to your situation. I think as parents, we often say things like "I want to be her friend". When in actual fact what you want to be for your daughter is her guide in life, especially through these difficult years. You want to be able to advise her on making the right decisions in life.

Teenage girls are usually insecure about everything, they need approval desperately. Whether that is by getting a boyfriend or the latest item of clothing. It is such a desperately awful and hormonal time. Your daughters backlash, is because she thinks you are doing this because of rules, when in actual fact you are doing it because you love and cherish her.

I think in these situations, that it can easily turn into about you. e.g the shock of her lying to you. The shock of her hiding things from you. The hurt you feel from her doing these things.

I sure she knows that you love her, but what might help is to be absolutely clear on why these rules exist. If I were you, I would take my daughter out somewhere nice and really explain, how much you cherish her, how unbeleivaebly important to you she is and that because she is so important to you, that you want her to value herself as much as you value her. Explain it is really really important to you that she's able to respect herself because that is how people make the right decisions in life. Say you are concerned, you want to know if she has been having sex, that she needs to keep herself really safe. Say at her stage in life it is easy to convince yourself, that you're doing things because you want to, when in actual fact they can be because they want people to like them. As a parent you really want to look out for her.

In her eyes at the moment you are just being critical, I don't think she really understands the real reason why you have reacted this way. I think if you really hit home about how much you do love her and about how important it is for her to respect herself, she may backlash less and understand more about your reactions.

I could be wrong, but this is what I would do. I think is a very difficult situation to handle and we don't get training on it as parents. I would probably have done the same in your shoes.

System

For goodness sake dont shout at her/them.

I was given enough rope at the age of 15 to hang myself. I went away for a weekend a child and came back a woman. Cried buckets when my man bought me home and my Mom made the fatal mistake of saying 'Come on, you can tell me anything'.... Yeah right i could she called me all the names under the sun!

Anyway, what i am saying is keep your cool because how you react now will probably reflect in your relationship with your daughter in the future.

Lara44

Yes, I think it's a mistake to let this become all about *you*. Your daughter has obviously been unsure about having sex and now you think she has lost her virginity. It's a sensitive time. Can't you put your own feelings aside and be there for her? The best way to get lines of communication open would be to talk to her calmly and gently. Then you can tell her exactly why you think this is the wrong choice and exactly why you're not going to allow it in your house. You really need to find a way to talk to her where she feels comfortable to listen. You're stuck in this dynamic where you talk and she rolls her eyes. You say she thinks you're the big bad wolf - are you acting like one?

I know you're upset and feel she has disrespected you. But surely that comes second to making it clear to her the risks she is taking by having unprotected sex. You say that you're controlling and that your daughter will thank you for it later? That's a risky strategy.

Kitten_Pie

I can not put myself in your shoes because I do not have a daughter especially not a 14 year old one however I feel the most important thing to discuss with your daughter would be STDs. Unfortunately just because he is her first boyfriend doesn't mean that she is his first girlfriend. A close friend of mine ended up with herpes at 15 because of this belief.

Pregnancy although unwanted is not the end of the world and doesn't necessarily ruin a life however some STDs can and will.

If your daughter will not talk to you, could you suggest that unless she speaks to you about this as an adult you will need to go to the police due to her age he could be charged for statutory rape, which I am sure she doesn't want. (I will add that unless he is 48months older than her this is unlikely to happen anyway but at 14 she probably doesn't know the legal stance)

When I was younger I remember a story about a girl who was raped yet managed to ask her rapist to wear a condom. The quote I remember was something along the lines or. "If she can ask her rapist to wear a condom, why can't you ask your boyfriend." It definitely stuck with me.

Personally my mother became very lax about age and sexual relationships when my father died (under the idea that life was too short to worry about such trivial things) My sisters were allowed boyfriends to stay in their room/bed from a very early age. (14/15) however it was made very clear that if anything was to happen then protection had to be used and before hand both had to be checked out at the GUM clinic. This has stuck with all of us so before a sexual relationship begins (the youngest is now 21) a couple trip is made to the clinic. 10 years ago I did this with my now husband and all my sisters boyfriends have had to do this. It isn't because we don't trust them but we don't trust all their ex-girlfriends and their ex-girlfriends ex-boyfriends etc.

fluffnutter

Who was the letter to? At the end of the day, she left a letter in her bedroom just lying around. Perhaps she wants you to know but doesn't know how to broach the subject.

Time for a non-judgemental heart-to-heart. If she's having sex, she's having sex. You can't do much more than make sure a) she gets some decent contraception (something like the pill plus condoms) and b) she's actually doing it because she wants to.

One last thing.. how old's the boyfriend? If he's 16 or over, he's technically breaking the law. Personally I think the welfare of your daughter is far more important, but it's wise to at least be aware of the legalities considering she's under the age of consent.

YoungBaker

The fact of the matter is she is a hormonal, teenage girl whos sexual hormones are rampant - as will be her boyfriends. As I am sure you are already aware as you are not naive - a lot of 14 year olds out there are having sex now - the challenging thing is how you deal with.

Although she may still seem like your little girl, and obviously no-one wants to think of their daughter doing that as a previous poster stated, once they start having sex your not exactly gonna be able to stop them. As a parent though, it is your role to make sure you get a grip on this particularly in the fact you gave her ample opportunity to approach you to deal with this responsibly.

I think you need to sit her down and calmly explain to her that you understand she is curious and obviously is experimenting with her boyfriend - that you do not have an issue with (even if you do have an issue with, as I say you can hardly force her to not expriment whether you like it or not). I think what you need to drive home to her though is the fact that if she thinks she is mature and old enough to be having sex - then she should be capable of approaching her mother or another adult and using appropiate contraception to prevent anything happening to her. I think if you emphasise it is this you are dissapointed with, not what she actually did as such it may hit home better.

Secondly you now have the choice of how you monitor her and her boyfriends behvaiour. Are you going to stop him coming round when your out? Are you gonna stop them being alone in the room? Obviously such measures will stop them having sex under your roof temporarily.... but you can be rest assured they will just find someone where else to do it, and perhaps the lesser evils of the two is no-one they are in a safe environment... Just some food for thought.

TheConways

I think you should deeply analyse why you are upset before tackling your daughter - and it will likely be several things

1. Fear of daughter getting pregnant, or worse, an STD at such a young age
2. Loss of innocence - your precious little girl is becoming a woman
3. Concern she is out of her depth, and not ready mentally for a physical relationship
4. Feeling that your home has been violated - the place of children's birthday parties is now where she has had her first sexual experience (my parents didn't allow me to share a room with any man until he was my husband, that was the rule, I respected that)
5. Scared she is being taken advantage of, or gets emotionally/physically hurt.
6. You asked your daughter to talk to you - but she didn't, and now she is likely in a sexual relationship without you both having the chance to talk.

I expect the reason your daughter is upset is that she will see herself on an "elevated" young adult plane, and no doubt is frustrated you do not see her in the same way.

However, the only way to find this out is to sit down and talk somewhere neutral, be it a coffee shop, or a branch of McDs. Somewhere public will ensure you don't both start arguing with raised voices (and in McDs, no-one can hear you due to the din of the kids running around). Make sure you think about how you want the meeting to end, and keep this in mind at all times (a hug, a reconciliation, a Big Mac, and a promise she will never again have sex until she's 25... )

I would ask her to talk through her thought process over the past few weeks, hold hands, tell her that you're not going to get upset with her, although you might have a cry. Keep the tissues handy. Don't interrupt - this means that she cannot interrupt you when you have to speak. Treating her like an adult in conversation will force her into the adult mindset and not a 2-year-old temper tantrum.

Then explain, maybe with a pen and paper as an aid, why you got upset. You got upset because you'd ask her to talk to you, and she didn't. You're upset because you know sex has consequences - emotionally, medically, physically, or that a bad experience can damage her for many years to come. You're upset because she's only 14 and *it's illegal* still to have sex - in theory, the boyfriend could be charged with statutory rape. This is how serious it is.

I'm hoping you'd then have a good conversation. Make sure you've already thought about what ground rules you want to apply from now on (ie, bedroom door always open; boyfriends parents to be informed and consenting; wait until she's 16; trip to GUM clinic together; condoms must be used etc etc) and discuss with her each rule and why it exists.

You need to think about how you want to manage this in the future - it's your house, your family, and you're still legally responsible for her. I think a quiet cup of tea and some contemplation will be good here for you.



I have no kids incidentally, but I do remember what it was like being a teenage girl, and this is how I wish my mum had managed me when we fought.


Good luck!

bluenoseam

Surprised no one's suggested castration for the guy yet - only joking ofcourse, but i think that a discussion on the old "my house MY RULES" conversation with both of them might be an idea! 14 is way too young, she didn't sound ready by my reading and well, i'll be honest i've been a 14 year old boy and frankly would have sold my family down the river to get laid! (sorry if that offends anyone, but unfortunately it's true & will always be so with the majority of males, regardless as to how much they'll deny it!)

But i think if you discuss it calmly it will be much better than getting emotional about it, that will lead to things being said which are counterproductive to the situation - it sounds like preaching would be locking the stable door after the horse has bolted. Just explain that if she needs to talk to anyone you might be her Mum but it's your "job" so to speak to help her no matter what the situation within reason - this is one situation where you will help her, advise her & be there for her, but you'd prefer it if she wasn't sexually active. I think a word with his parents too might be in order, just to make sure that they're ensuring that if he can't keep it in his pants he's atleast being sensible and not one of those guys who'll spin every line it takes to get it on!

Ofcourse as i started out with, you could do the old standing at the front door with a meat cleaver & suggest that any further of that nonsense and you'll cleave his meat - that's the method i'm gonna chose to employ if i'm ever unlucky enough to have a daughter! (growing up with two sisters was bad enough - i'm not sure i could go through another teenage female situation again!)

NAR

Buy her a chastity belt - see how good he is at picking locks!

poppet

We have been through this in our family so know exactly how you feel.

Whats done is done - you can' change it - all you can do now is make a plan of how you handle things from here-on in.

This is what we did:

1. We spoke to the parents of the boy to make them aware, this meant they had opportunity to speak to their son about sex and responsibilities.
2. We had a very frank and honest talk with our daughter - lots of tears - lots of "you dont understand" (from her and us) but we learnt alot from it.(4 yrs later and we're still "talking")
3. We immediatly stopped leaving them alone in the house and the boys parents did the same. If the boy was round at ours and we had to go out for something, he eoither had to go home or they both had to come with me.
4. We stopped allowing them to hang out in her room and the boys parents did the same. No more watching tv in their room, they had to stay downstairs with us.
5. They didnt like any of this but could see it from our point of view.
6. We felt that it was our job to keep her safe and healthy and happy and that by making it too easy for them to be alone we were letting her down in the long run. We didnt want her to have any regrets and we didnt want her to blame us in years to come for not guiding her better, regardless of how much she protested at the time.
7. Meanwhile, we still had other children, watching how it was all panning out so we had to stick firm and make sure that we were creating a lesson for the other 3 as well. If the other 3 had seen us roll over and give up then they would probably make the same mistakes as their sister and have sex too early because they thought mum and dad would be ok with it.
8. she is 18 now and still with the same boyfriend. He is very much part of our family and they are happy together and planning which universities they will go to. Although things have moved on in the last 4 years, we do allow them to be at the house alone but if he evers needs to stay over at ours or we take them with us on holiday, they sleep in seperate rooms because we still have younger ones watching our every move

I hope some this helps a bit and that you and your family find a way to deal with this uncomfortable issue. Rest assured that dealing with it is better than sweeping it under the carpet in the long run.
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