14 year old daughter having sex...what the hell do i do??? :-(

cloverfan

Perhaps they did use a condom but it split? perhaps they were trying to be sensible but it went a bit wrong? or of course they were silly

pyjamadays

anything i say to her about anything starts and ends with her eyes rolling and the storming off no matter how calm i try to be. she always seems to see me as the big bad wolf, i try to be her friend as well as her parent,but she doesn't seem to understand the 'parent' part. her dad told me today that she told him she thinks i try to control her!! but im not her best friend telling her what to do, im her mother looking out for her and doing my job as a parent but she just can't seem to see that :-(

cloverfan

pyjamadays I so feel for you, this is something I worry about alot, Is there anyway you could drive her somewhere remote with a nice view and have a good old heart to heart? if she could see the view and not be looking at you it might be easier to talk as the storming off tbh sounds like a much easier thing to do than admit she was wrong etc....added bonus that she cant really storm off if your too far away from buses etc...?

Justicia

As she seems quite keen on letters, could you not write her a short letter explaining your concerns and deliver it to her dad's house...

Bennifred

pyjamadays wrote: »

anything i say to her about anything starts and ends with her eyes rolling and the storming off no matter how calm i try to be. she always seems to see me as the big bad wolf, i try to be her friend as well as her parent,but she doesn't seem to understand the 'parent' part. her dad told me today that she told him she thinks i try to control her!! but im not her best friend telling her what to do, im her mother looking out for her and doing my job as a parent but she just can't seem to see that :-(

This may be your mistake. You are not her friend, you are her mother. It isn't your job to be her friend. It's your job to guide her through to adulthood as best you can (she'll see that as controlling, of course, but that's because she is a child - don't worry about that!)

pyjamadays

im not really worried about her thinking im being controlling because i know, or im hoping when she's older she'll realise all the why's and maybe be slightly thankful! the problem with it really lies when my ex-her dad,when he doesnt back me up and seems to be agreeing with her in that im being controlling! i seriously sometimes wonder what planet he's on. you'd think any man that had just found out his little girl was having sex at that age would be furious (wouldn't you?) yet he's not said a thing to her about it...and there's nothing i can do until she decides to come back here.

property.advert

Only you know your child. You hope that they will have the personality to resist any peer pressure but equally they could be the one leading the way.

From memory, people "doing it" were counted in single numbers in my 15/16 age school year but I'm sure some of those hadn't and some who didn't let on actually had. Yet for most I recall it was more the lack of opportunity than lack of desire, so perhaps that is where to look.

Working evenings with a daughter alone in the house is giving her all the opportunity she needs as there is no parent around. Not pointing the finger but I'd have expected a father to see there was the potential for problems there. I would and do.

Obviously you need to get over the broken trust issue and the safe sex education lesson needs revisiting as it obviously isn't working. I'd also go tear a strip off the guy in front of his parents, not for sex, though I would mention the age of consent, but for forcing her to have sex without a condom. Yeah, forcing.

Whatever you do, she needs to get through this and not have it screw up her school work. Now the genie is out of the bottle it isn't going back in so you need to work out how to handle this in terms of her potentially continuing to have sex and under your roof.

Labmanager

pyjamadays, I worked in a school and what you describe is 'normal' teenage behaviour. That's the way now. We had a 60 year old bus driver on a trip complain about hearing 4 or 5 14 & 15 year old girls graphically discussing what they did with their boyfriends.

esmf73

I think its channel 20 on freeview - but there is something on I think Tuesday at 9pm about underage pregnancies - don't know if its any good but I've seen it advertised. Perhaps, as they are both trying to act like adults - having sex - you should sit both of them down and put your embarrassment aside and talk to them about the various methods of birth control (eeek!) asking them which they are planning to use?! As it is a criminal offence (if it has happened) perhaps a quiet word to the boyfriends parents wouldn't go amiss - I take it that he is also under age? Otherwise the consequences could be very serious for him.

Best of luck - and get a bottle in for afterwards. x

nonnatus

Hmm, it's a tricky one. Your daughter sounds like she's the less willing of the couple (but then show me a 14yr old boy not willing to have sex!!) but they're obviously being very sensible about it all. They're not going ou, getting bladdered and having their wicked way in the woods are they? They are being safe in the comfort of your home, however much this might upset you.
If you make that a forbidden option, they may well have to revert to Plan A, because now they've started, they're unlikely to stop just because you want them to.

You have reared a sensible, strong minded daughter who is making contraceptive plans, as a couple, with her long term boyfriend. I doubt you would have helped had she ASKED you to acquire the Pill for her so she went about it a different way.

I think it is YOU who may have to adapt, I'm afraid . And think carefully about where they will go if you make a "no sex in my house" rule?