14 year old daughter having sex...what the hell do i do??? :-(

pyjamadays

hi all....
today i found out my 14 year old daughter has had sex with her boyfriend. i dont know what to do about it and feel like its my fault for being too trusting of them & niave. i have spoken to her loads of times and said that if she ever felt like things were heading that way to talk to me and we'd see about her going on the pill. i never in a million years expected it to be now!!
to begin with there 'relationship' seemed innocent, they would go out together with a group of friends, but in the last couple of weeks things seemed to change and i thought they were starting to live in each others pockets. i work in the evenings a lot and he always seemed to be coming over a lot and they spent most of the time watching tv in her room. i spoke to her about my concerns, that i thought they were spending to much time together and that i wanted them to go out more and leave her bedroom door open when they were in. she assured me they were not having a sexual relationship and i was over reacting, so i believed her and thought i could trust her.
last night things changed, i shouted on her to come talk to me about something, she took ages then came out with her pyjama trousers on the wrong way round...then he appeared out the room with his pyjamas on!!! he left shortly after that believe me!! she can't see why im mad and that it's completely ridiculous to go to bring your pyjamas to someines house in that way!! anyway, she then decided she was going to stay at her dads (she does this everytime i say something she doesn't like). after she went i went to change her bedding and came across a letter (not to me) its goes on to talk about them going to get the morning after pill!!
i cant believe ive been so niave and that i gave them the opprtunities for this to happen, ive spoken about it with her dad but he doesnt seem to see it the way i do. she doesn't knpw yet that i've found this letter and that i know whats been going on...i checked through her school bag to see if the pill packaging was there and to see that she'd taken all the pills, i came across a note between her and a friend saying she wasn't sure if she wanted to do it and thought things were moving to fast. i text her dad to tell him about this letter too, he was driving so got her to read out the message to her (can't believe he did that as he must have haad an idea what it was about!) so she knows i was snooping and found that note...she left a note on my pillow before she left with her dad saying'!!!!!! i cant believe you, i'd LOVE an explanation!!' i feel like she is out of control, has no respect for me and that im banging my head off a brick wall with her dad as he never helps me out with things like this, he hasn't spoken to her about any of it so again im going to look like the bad guy while he's the good guy.

should i tell the boys paretents whats going on?

rachhh

Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm not a parent so I can't give advice really, but we teenagers definitely are a law unto ourselves and if we decide to become sexually active, there's not a lot of ways to stop us!

Bennifred

I'd want to know, if I was the boy's parent. They can't do anything about the situation if they aren't aware.

pyjamadays

i remember what being a teenager was like ect but im more annoyed at how stupid they were, with all the sex education in schools and free condoms available and that i tried to be the coll mam and talk to her sbout it the still had unprotected sex (must have done if she had to get morning after pill) so if they're not mature enough to think first and be safe then theres no way they're mature enough for a sexual relationship!

Spendless

Do you know they have definately had sex? Many years ago I and my then boyfriend was seen by my Dad with our clothing in similar disarray and he jumped to conclusions. We hadn't had full sex though and didn't for a further 6 months (though we were both over the age of consent) though I'm not denying heavy petting had taken place. In what way does the letter talk about the taking of the morning after pill, in a we can always get this if we did or more of a best get down to the clinic sharpish?

pyjamadays

i think id want to know too, but im worried incase they fly off the handle and blame me for not supervising them enough...

cloverfan

I have a 14 year old daughter. I would not be happy to find out she was having any kind of sexual relationship at this age, however if I were in your shoes I wouldnt be angry infront of her. I would be calm, and tell her if she thinks shes old enough to do it then shes old enough to discuss it with you in a adult manner. Then as much as I would be seething on the inside I would be her friend more than an angry parent until I could be sure she had taken the morning after pill. After that I would discuss things, tbh then I would probably go mental but my first prority would be to not alienate her but to make sure she doesnt end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

pyjamadays

it was deffinatly that they had gone together to the chemist but they wouldnt give her it as she was under 16 and were told to go to the hospital, it then says she had to sit on her own and wait to be seen because the boy had to go home!!

cloverfan

pyjamadays wrote: »

i think id want to know too, but im worried incase they fly off the handle and blame me for not supervising them enough...

As a parent of a 16 yo ds with a 15 yo gf I would want to know and then I would fly off the handle at him not the parent telling me.

thrifty-gal26

It is hard to say as I don't know her but regardless of age or the situation my first reaction would to be to drill into her the importance of condoms. If she has had the morning after pill I would imagine she didn't use one and she needs to know all the nasty things she can catch!

Other than that check out these sites

http://www.brook.org.uk/

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Parents/Yourchildshealthandsafety/WorriedAbout/DG_10015927

http://life.familyeducation.com/sex/teen/34505.html

http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/04/07/sex-advice-for-parents-of-teen-girls/

xx

Bennifred

pyjamadays wrote: »

i think id want to know too, but im worried incase they fly off the handle and blame me for not supervising them enough...

They'd be more likely to do that if there are unwanted consequences and they find out you knew and didn't say anything! Be brave - tell them what you suspect.