To men/women who work LONG hours - what can OH do to help?

lostinrates

BugglyB wrote: »

I'm really interested in this daisiegg. I know all this might be a bit personal so don't answer if you don't want to! Do you intend to give up work and be a traditional housewife (as opposed to SAHM)? Do you agree with just the creating a happy home part or all of it, for example his opinions are not to be questioned?

I'm not going to jump on you for your answers honestly I'm just intrigued in the spirit of curiousity as to how other peoples relationships work. How would it work for example if he was out of work for a long period or if you had fertility problems?

Obviously i am not daisygg but i know if i also had a career type job our relationship would suffer. The kind of jobs that can cancel holiday last minute..or call you back when you have gone, or occupy your weekends mean that if you both had them, or one was in normal employment, there would be clashes.

E,g. Holiday cancellation, which has happened to us so often, if i were employed one could not expect my emoyer to say that was dine, come in and work i can have the time off when neeeded, especially if temp cover and other people's holidays have been taken to fit in around each other.

I like daisy gg feel my role in our partnership is to keep this end as together as i can. E.g. We live in a wreck. Dh is earning to pay for the wreck to become a beauitful home. I am meeting with the architectu and builders, trying to get my head round technical specifications and kitchen layouts.

We have discussions about the decisions together, but uoltimately i project manage home and our home based micro business while he project manages income and emplloyment.

We BOTH try to please the other in other ways.:) but i think the demands of very, very time demanding jobs and the flexibilty the partner of those with the jobs must also display cannot be overestimated.

BugglyB

Thanks for your response - I suppose my question wasn't so much 'do you not feel like you should have a high powered job too' - because I can see why both people wouldn't have a high powered job. You clearly have a very equal role in making sure your joint dreams are acheived.

I wonder more about the dynamic in the relationship, how far do you take this kind of stuff:

"I like a hot meal as soon as I get in" or "I hate it if she tries to entertain me the second I'm through the door" or "I would like it if my OH kept out of my way for 30 mins after I got home and let me just wind down by myself"

how far can you buy into it? Daisie said her and OH have a very traditional type of relationship, and that she loves the housewife advice (although maybe there was sarcasm there I wasn't detecting) I just wondered, how far does that go and how do you anticipate it would affect the dynamic of your relationship if OH is out of work or children are not forthcoming, for example.

Its really hard to ask these questions without sounding critical, I'm just interested, nosy, basically

FatVonD

The other thing I wish my DH would do, but he doesn't, is make all the necessary phone calls (eg. booking the car in for its new exhaust.) I may have a phone sat on my desk but I hate to make personal calls at work as I'm freelance and don't want to run up the client's phone bill (though I did call this morning but then didn't have the car registration as I'm not on the spot :rotfl: ) and by the time I get home everywhere has closed.

lostinrates

BugglyB wrote: »

Thanks for your response - I suppose my question wasn't so much 'do you not feel like you should have a high powered job too' - because I can see why both people wouldn't have a high powered job. You clearly have a very equal role in making sure your joint dreams are acheived.

I wonder more about the dynamic in the relationship, how far do you take this kind of stuff:



how far can you buy into it? Daisie said her and OH have a very traditional type of relationship, and that she loves the housewife advice (although maybe there was sarcasm there I wasn't detecting) I just wondered, how far does that go and how do you anticipate it would affect the dynamic of your relationship if OH is out of work or children are not forthcoming, for example.

Its really hard to ask these questions without sounding critical, I'm just interested, nosy, basically

Well yes, i see our roles as fairly traditional.....and i am infertile! It doesn't really change much. We have pets, including horses, that i guess fill some of that care role and time and who our both of purs, not his or mine,and i used to do a lot of charity work, which i think can be fulfilling and flexible.

I do see it as my role to provide for his needs like supper ..and i enjoy that! If he were unemployed or ill, we have insurance for the costs incurred and we would have to reassess, just like my health forced us to reassess.....its no different to other relationships...we do what works for us factors like work and preferences like 'trad roles' considered, but those might have to be flexible due to circumstances.:)
Its easier ti embrace the traditional roles while it feels like a choice to a degree. E.g., i loveto have a lovely supper planned for dh on griday evenings, and he appreciates it. If he did not i can see coming up with stuff more exciting than a baked potato or stew might be irksome. Similarly, he doesn't treat me like an intellectual dwarf..and in fact not working has anabled me to do things in tellectually i would not have time to if i did work. So, it might be my job to cook, clean and pick up thje dog poop, but it also becomes part of my routine ti remain widely read, interesting and informed!

Edit. As regards space and winding down point.....that is easily dismissed as a product of the roles, but imo, is importnantin all relationships. As it is, in our relationship it is I who prefers a little space for the first half hour of getting back from the train station! I can spend a lot of mon to fri alone in the house! Dh is very tactile...as am i after that forst short while, and we have learned that the routine that suits us best is when we get home for him to stick hips washing oout, take his bag upstairs, and plug in the laptop/phone/blackberries. While i sort out supper and get used to the bustle about me then we have a smooch and then eat! Its not a big deal.....we just find ways to make sure both persons needs are met within the dynamic.

The point about dynamics is they ARE dynamic, and adjust to changes in circumstance....if they are healthy.

daisiegg

It wasn't sarcasm, but it's very difficult to explain the dynamic of our relationship, particularly on somewhere like here.

No, I don't agree with 'his opinions are not to be questioned' and nor would he expect me to - he wouldn't be with someone whose opinions he did not respect and who he didn't think was intelligent. However in some ways he has the 'final say' in a lot of things, but it makes our lives very comfortable...we virtually never argue. In a way it's about knowing what your role is and really, always putting the other person first. Actually the fifties style man going out working long hours is putting his wife and family first because he knows his role is to provide for her. And the fifties style wife doing everything to make her husband happy and comfortable can get a lot of satisfaction from that. I do, anyway.

Argh as I said it's hard to explain. There is a term I could use to define our relationship but I won't use it on this board - partly because it would be widely misunderstood, and also can contain some unsavory connotations which I can't be associating myself with, particularly as I'm very open on here about being a teacher and also don't try too hard to hide my identity either.

I do definitely intend to be a SAHM and will never return to work full time*. At the moment I'm leaning against returning to work part time as well, but I am very aware that I don't know how I'll actually feel about being stuck at home all day once I'm living it.

Sorry if my reply is frustratingly vague. BugglyB if you really are interested I'll PM you with more details but I don't really want to discuss my relationship in too much intimate detail on here.

Suffice to say to all outward appearances we are an absolutely normal couple, anyway! And we are both extremely happy and fulfilled in our roles.

*ETA - we're even considering me going part time after the wedding despite the fact that we don't have any children yet, just to have more time for the housewifely stuff!

BugglyB

Well thanks you guys for your responses. Like I say its more out of nosiness than anything, so I appreciate why you wouldn't want to go into too much detail! I think I kind of know what term you mean daisiegg and can understand why you wouldn't want to go into it too much. Its very far removed from how I live so it is interesting to me, I think most people are mocking of that kind of lifestyle without taking time to properly understand it - its clearly something you've negotiated and chosen for yourself!

Hopefully you will find you're not actually 'stuck at home' and you can have a really fulfilling life without going to work. I think work is only really fulfilling for a small amount of people anyway.

I'm totally immersed in Madmen at the moment so finding all this stuff intriguing.

zcrat41

daisiegg wrote: »

*ETA - we're even considering me going part time after the wedding despite the fact that we don't have any children yet, just to have more time for the housewifely stuff!

Really interesting thoughts on this last page.

I got married last year and OH runs his own business and works long hard physical hours but it pays very well. I work long hours for 6 months of the year and this year I have gone p/t for the rest.

When we married I knew I wasn't marrying a modern man!

I cook, clean, wash, iron, help in his business, buy presents, do our social correspondence and life in addition to working. When we (hopefully!!) have kids I will probably stop working for ever.

My mum before we married asked if I wanted to reduce my hours after the wedding. I thought she was being ridiculously old fashioned but a year down the line I understand where she was coming from.

OH and I see life as a partnership. He could not do what he does without me. It's not him achieving it, it's us.

However, as it's his own business I do think that makes it a bit different. I think if he worked in a corporate environment I'd find my lack of career a bit harder to stomach.

daisiegg

BugglyB wrote: »

I'm totally immersed in Madmen at the moment so finding all this stuff intriguing.

Haha Madmen is kind of our model for life! (I'm only half joking...)

BugglyB

daisiegg wrote: »

Haha Madmen is kind of our model for life! (I'm only half joking...)

I have to say the whole thing brings me out in a cold sweat, but I do love the clothes :rotfl:

euronorris

daisiegg wrote: »

Possibly, but the fact is she still lives there in the town they both grew up in and HE is the one that moved away. If I was in her position I wouldn't want to spend a couple of hours two Friday nights and two Sunday afternoons a month driving just so he could see his daughter, when it was HIM that left me and moved 200 miles away. So under no circumstances do I expect her to put HERSELF out to make his life easier seeing his daughter...(but the daughter coming on the train thing is a different matter and as I've said one I will, in view of the situation and the age, let lie!)

If I was in her position, I would be going out of my way to ensure that our daughter got to see her father regularly and would do my best to put aside any feelings between him and I.

Yes, he moved away. His choice. But equally, it was her choice not to move closer so that her daughter could be closer to her father. So, IMO, they are pretty equal on that front. Both have put themselves first in important areas of their life (not a dig, just an observation), so I feel no need for there to be a blame game here (ie, it's your fault you moved away. you chose your career over your child etc).

When you have a child together, you make a commitment to that child (not each other so much) to do the best by them. And the best for her is NOT saying 'well your Dad moved away, so he can be the one to come and collect you each time'. The best is saying 'Your Dad moved away, so we are going to share the responsibility of your visits with him. One visit, he will come and collect you and drop you off, and the next visit I will drop you off and pick you up.'. Cos that's what it's all about right? Shared responsibility?

With regards to your OH's stress levels, only he can reduce them. No matter how supportive you are, and how easy you make it for him, the cause of stress will still be there because you simply don't have the power to take it away. I know you'd like to, but you can't. He can though, and he doesn't want to. That's his choice, but he should recognise that he IS choosing it. It's not something he HAS to put up with because of x, y or z. He can change things if he wants to.

So I would say that, if things are that stressful for him, he really should take some time to consider if this is what he really wants? Does he really want this job/career when it is likely to make him feel this way every year for next 20, 30, 40 years? Is it really worth it?