To men/women who work LONG hours - what can OH do to help?

daisiegg

My fiance works 12+ hour days with an hour's commute each way, regularly travels for work and is away seeing his daughter two weekends a month.

He works in a very high pressured, stressful (although highly paid) job and is feeling really incredibly stressed and overwhelmed at the moment. He feels like he just has no time for anything.

I know there must be a lot of people on here who work just as hard*, and feel just as stressed and my question is - what little or big things can an OH do to help someone who is in this situation?

Changing the circumstances is not an option. They will ease eventually - it's a busy period at work for him at the moment, and his daughter is growing up so the access will become less frequent eventually and he will have his weekends back.

But for now - what can I do to help de-stress him and make him feel as little pressure as possible, and somehow help to make him feel he has a life beyond working and travelling?



*although on second thoughts, maybe not...or how would they have time to post on here?!

Tiddlywinks

daisiegg wrote: »

I know there must be a lot of people on here who work just as hard*, and feel just as stressed and my question is - what little or big things can an OH do to help someone who is in this situation?

*although on second thoughts, maybe not...or how would they have time to post on here?!

Well, maybe we are better at time management? Seriously, that remark needed a smiley, otherwise it is a bit rude without it.

As to your main question... 12 hour days, 5 days a week? 60 hours working with commuting on top? Has he/you heard of the Working Time Directive?

It's about priorities and, yes, time management.

If money isn't a problem then buy in some services such as housework, ironing etc to allow more available time for the personal stuff when he is around.

daisiegg wrote: »

...his daughter is growing up so the access will become less frequent eventually and he will have his weekends back.

How old is his daughter - this sounds like you see her as a burden he has to bear. He should be able to see his DD as much as he wants (in agreement with his ex) and you could lessen the stress of this tug on his heart by not seeing her as competition for his time.

daisiegg

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Well, maybe we are better at time management? Seriously, that remark needed a smiley, otherwise it is a bit rude without it.

As to your main question... 12 hour days, 5 days a week? 60 hours working with commuting on top? Has he/you heard of the Working Time Directive?

It's about priorities and, yes, time management.

If money isn't a problem then buy in some services such as housework, ironing etc to allow more available time for the personal stuff when he is around.



How old is his daughter - this sounds like you see her as a burden he has to bear. He should be able to see his DD as much as he wants (in agreement with his ex) and you could lessen the stress of this tug on his heart by not seeing her as competition for his time.

Sorry, didn't mean for my comment to be insulting to anyone - I just meant I physically don't see how anyone who works those sorts of hours would have time to be a regular poster on a forum. Lots of admiration for those that do

Housework is not an issue. We have a cleaner, send out ironing and I do all cooking and remaining housework.

His daughter is 15 and a half. I don't see her as a burden and nor does he but he DOES see all the travelling he has to do to see her as a burden. It will be easier when she is older and things are a bit more flexible i.e. her coming to stay with us for a longer duration during university holidays, etc, rather than the very rigid and exhausting weekends twice a month.

I didn't mean to sound like I see his daughter as competition for his time. I was just laying out the situation to explain why he has so little time to himself.

This week, for example, he is visiting his daughter this weekend so will get home tonight around 8pm. I know he has early starts a few times this week so will be leaving for work before 5am. He has a lot on so probably will not be getting home until 8pm, 9pm or later. On Friday, he is leaving at 4am to travel for business and will return early Saturday morning. He will spend Saturday day and night with me before leaving early Sunday morning to the US for a week. He will arrive back the following Saturday morning, but as it will be a weekend with his daughter he will fly straight into the city where she lives. I'll probably go up and join them for the weekend as I won't have seen him for a week.

He only does the US trips around 6 times a year but the shorter European trips are frequent and the weekends with his daughter are twice a month every month, so situations like the one I described above are not infrequent.

As I do NOT work such long hours (I'm a teacher and yes it's hard work but it's a bit different doing marking in my pyjamas with a cup of tea at 9pm than still being in an office at 9pm having been there since 6am!) I wondered if anyone who does could give me insight in how I could help ease his stress.

Tiddlywinks

Encourage him to stay over for some trips - my OH does this... he will plan his trips to link into each other and stay in hotels along the way. This really cuts down on commuting and he can then have some relaxing time to just chill and read or whatever.

You can't relieve your OH's stress - only he can do that and only when he can identify the actual things that cause him stress.

Each of us is different and some more than others actually thrive on stress - being busy all the time is not necessarily stressful BUT having too much to do in too little time is likely to be.

You cannot give him more time... you cannot do his work for him, you cannot take his place visiting his daughter or making his trips away (although you could accompany him during your holidays). All of this is for him to change (if HE wants to).

Other than making your time together relaxing and enjoyable I can't see how you can do more without his invitation or co-operation.

Welshwoofs

daisiegg wrote: »

Sorry, didn't mean for my comment to be insulting to anyone - I just meant I physically don't see how anyone who works those sorts of hours would have time to be a regular poster on a forum. Lots of admiration for those that do

I work about that many hours (working on an off today in fact), but I do work from home and my job is on the Internet so I tend to have a browse here whilst drinking a cup of tea and taking a mental 5 minute break.

Could you drive and pick up his daughter and bring her back to your house so he doesn't have the travelling time twice a month and can be more relaxed in his home environment?

Other than that, then it's little things like having a bit of quiet time when they first get home (perhaps a beer or glass of wine waiting). I see you do the cooking and I'm sure that's appreciated.

Ultimately however, there are only so many hours in a day and those who do high pressured work for long hours oftent get to the point where they either decide they can't do it any longer, or something 'gives'.

If you both sat down and looked at your lives, at the things like the cleaners and the ironing services, just how much of your work is being performed simply to fund services, conveniences and 'treats' you need simply in order to get through work? It can become a vicious circle. If he's really unhappy, perhaps a good hard look at whether you could both suffer a drop in your standard of living in return for him being in a lower-paid, less stressful job that gives him more hours free?

Rebecca01

I think the girls mother should do some of the travelling to drop off and pick up.

I would for my daughter.

daisiegg

Rebecca01 wrote: »

I think the girls mother should do some of the travelling to drop off and pick up.

I would for my daughter.

That's a different discussion...they live 200 miles away and it's never been the case. I do disagree with you here that I don't think his daughter's mother should have to travel every fortnight just because her child's father broke up with her and moved far away, nor does he think that.

Bangton

Really difficult for me to suggest a solution but I am interested to see the replies as I feel my life is work/travel and little else at the moment.

In fact I have just had to have 3 weeks off and a load of blood tests as I am so run down at the moment, constantly ill etc etc.

Hope he finds a solution and sorry to hole in but I would like to follow the thread to see the advice !

nickyhutch

Having read your other thread, I'd be going to get daughter myself so that she's there when he gets home and doesn't have that mega drive to do after a long week at work.

Actually, what I'd be doing is insisting that the mother does half the drive so that her daughter can see her dad, not as a favour for dad), or that she comes on the train every other trip.

daisiegg

Bangton wrote: »

Really difficult for me to suggest a solution but I am interested to see the replies as I feel my life is work/travel and little else at the moment.

In fact I have just had to have 3 weeks off and a load of blood tests as I am so run down at the moment, constantly ill etc etc.

Hope he finds a solution and sorry to hole in but I would like to follow the thread to see the advice !

TBH I was hoping more for things like "I would like it if my OH offered me a massage if I was tired" or "I like a hot meal as soon as I get in" or "I hate it if she tries to entertain me the second I'm through the door" or "I would like it if my OH kept out of my way for 30 mins after I got home and let me just wind down by myself" or "it would be nice if she dragged me to the pub once a week so I felt like I did something other than work and sleep" or "I can't bear the thought of going out on weeknights when I'm so shattered and I'd much rather snuggle on the sofa"....

The situation is as it is, it's not always this bad but this time of year is particularly busy and suggestions like "change the situation or deal with it" aren't hugely helpful. We're not going to change the situation (despite the stress, OH actually enjoys his job and finds it very stimulating. Not to mention that we just bought a house!) so I'm looking for hints how to make it easier to 'deal with it'!

Before anyone leaps in with "why aren't you asking HIM this?" I do, I have, and on one hand I'm not sure he really knows what would help him be less stressed, and on the other hand he already thinks I do lots for him and he is not used to asking for what he wants/needs from other people.

Plus, I don't necessarily always want to be discussing things and trying to analyse things when he's stressed and tired...I'd rather just quietly and seamlessly do a few things that can help him relax. I'm not sure every man's ideal is to come home knackered after a hard day/week/month/year and find his OH wanting a very intense conversation about "What can I do to help you destress?!"

Rebecca01

daisiegg wrote: »

That's a different discussion...they live 200 miles away and it's never been the case. I do disagree with you here that I don't think his daughter's mother should have to travel every fortnight just because her child's father broke up with her and moved far away, nor does he think that.

Would it be different if she had moved away? Would she have been a bit more willing to share then?

Do you think she would meet your OH halfway by car so the daughter could go back to yours.

My OH used to travel up and down every other weekend on a 400 mile round trip to see his daughter. The hotel option was too expensive. He was totally burnt out. So I know how you feel. After much talk with their Mother she agreed to meet halfway ( she was the one who moved away) this worked so much better.

She had a baby and it stopped again, so we did the drive every three weeks . We then moved even further away to be near my family, partner working away during the week at original place.

Its now hard as we can only see the girls in the school holidays. We have a daughter together , their sister. So its hard on my partner as we also need to get the girls to spend time together. OH tells me he was heart broken when thet moved , he hates them being so far away. The pain has eased though and he said he has accepted it somewhat.

Your sd is 15 , in a few years she may not want to go and stay in a hotel with Dad . So maybe in that view , it maybe better to just leave things. I think you are great for being so understanding though.

I do think the train is the answer but as you said on the other thread thats an issue.