To men/women who work LONG hours - what can OH do to help?

daisiegg

BugglyB, don't worry - I actually love that guide, have seen it before! OH and I have a slightly alternative type of relationship anyway (nothing scary, just pretty traditional and unfashionable in terms of male/female roles etc) and while I'm in no danger of become a Stepford Wife (not pretty enough for that) it is very much in my nature to nurture and care for other people and I DO see my role as providing a happy, comfortable home for him and any children that might come along.

daisiegg

As for how long he'll be doing this job, it won't be forever. People in his industry tend to retire pretty young.

lostinrates

lilibet1 wrote: »

thats a good point bugglyb

My dh has up until recently worked 16 hr days 6 days a week for a multi-national company and i have found that very difficult. Really have felt like a single parent.

Any how he has now been promoted and works 9 hours a day 5 days a week. Much more sociable.

I am not a parent but would agree being confident in living alone is a huge ease on a relationship like this.

This is magnified in our relationship. I have long term health issues, and dh was taking care of me as well as doing his demanding job. After a while i began to relaise this was damaging my drive and creating a great deal of dependance and frankly laziness on my part. Now though i still need him, i am learning new ways to cope with things all the time and regaining independance and refinding me. Sounds a bit naff, but true, and i can see how easy to a lesser degree it would be able to fall into such habits in relationships where health is not an issue.

For us, me rediscovering independance has been tremendously beneficial.

lostinrates

daisiegg wrote: »

As for how long he'll be doing this job, it won't be forever. People in his industry tend to retire pretty young.

There you are lucky, my dh will probably never retire, though hopefully one day his hours will be less, i cannot see it for some years. The plan is to drop to 80 percent of work hours in his mid fifties, and 60 percent after that. Who knows t
What th efuture brings thugh!

This summer he is handling a file which might give him fridays afternoons off. We are finding this incredibly exciting and are dreaming of all the things we can do with four or five extra weekend hours!:D.

minerva_windsong

I'm in a similar position to your OH, albeit with slightly shorter hours. Consequently as my OH is normally home at least an hour before I am he does a lot of the housework and the food shopping and cooking. It generally means we eat the 'easy' stuff that can be batch cooked at weekends and shoved in the freezer (I do this as I find it helps me relax) or that can just be thrown straight in the oven but I do appreciate it! Obviously you are already doing those things so I think the best thing you can do is just be there for him and let him know that if he needs any help with anything you'll be there, but don't fuss if you know it's not his thing - I know I would hate my OH constantly clucking over me and would end up snapping at him if I couldn't do little things like make my own lunches and breakfasts and get my clothes ready for the next day. Scheduling something nice and non-worky to do on weekends when he's not with his daughter is also a good idea.

Also, is there any way his daughter could come to him rather than the other way round? I was quite regularly travelling by train on my own to see my sister when she lived in London when I was 14 or 15 (although admittedly it was a direct train, London was the end of the line and my sister would always come to meet me off the train). Obviously there is the cost but she would still be eligible for child fares and could get a young person's railcard when she turns 16, which surely would be cheaper than your OH travelling to see her? That way the mum doesn't have to travel if she doesn't want to, your OH still gets to see his daughter and she might also get a bit more independence - sad as it is I remember feeling very grown up doing those train journeys!

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

As to your main question... 12 hour days, 5 days a week? 60 hours working with commuting on top? Has he/you heard of the Working Time Directive?

Not that unusual, especially in areas like communications/media relations - I've worked in press offices for most of my (albeit brief) working life and 12 hour days are pretty common, particularly for senior colleagues.

daisiegg

lostinrates wrote: »

There you are lucky, my dh will probably never retire, though hopefully one day his hours will be less, i cannot see it for some years. The plan is to drop to 80 percent of work hours in his mid fifties, and 60 percent after that. Who knows t
What th efuture brings thugh!

This summer he is handling a file which might give him fridays afternoons off. We are finding this incredibly exciting and are dreaming of all the things we can do with four or five extra weekend hours!:D.

That IS exciting! I'd love it if OH found himself in that situation!

I don't really know about the retirement thing but I know that he is quite sensible about saving towards it and putting money aside for mortgage overpayments etc, as he doesn't want to do this job forever. When I first met him and he was 35 he would joke about retiring by 50 - no chance of that now! I suppose with the downturn in the economy etc (in case anyone hasn't worked this out, he works in the financial sector but is NOT EVIL) he may have to work much longer than he would like.

daisiegg

minerva_windsong wrote: »

Also, is there any way his daughter could come to him rather than the other way round? I was quite regularly travelling by train on my own to see my sister when she lived in London when I was 14 or 15 (although admittedly it was a direct train, London was the end of the line and my sister would always come to meet me off the train). Obviously there is the cost but she would still be eligible for child fares and could get a young person's railcard when she turns 16, which surely would be cheaper than your OH travelling to see her? That way the mum doesn't have to travel if she doesn't want to, your OH still gets to see his daughter and she might also get a bit more independence - sad as it is I remember feeling very grown up doing those train journeys!

.

Don't get me started....there is another thread about this very issue. No, is the simple answer to that. It is a direct train and she could be put on at one end and met at the other but no - her mother won't have it. End of story.

FatVonD

I work much longer hours than DH so he does ALL the housework/washing etc and if it's a simple meal he'll have dinner cooking. Sometimes on a Friday afternoon he'll drive my DS to his dad's so I don't have to do it when I get in.

What I'd really like though which he doesn't do is for him to take care of all the household paperwork so I don't have to worry about whether I've mislaid a statement or made a payment on time.

I commute to work and for the last 2 months before I was made redundant last year (can't afford it now on freelance money!) I bought a First Class ticket. It seems extravagant but knowing I would have a roomy seat, with a table, and that it would be quieter than the normal carriage (this was in the run up to Christmas) with nobody giving their mates a run down on every last boring detail of their lives made the journey so much more bearable.

daisiegg

FatVonD wrote: »

I commute to work and for the last 2 months before I was made redundant last year (can't afford it now on freelance money!) I bought a First Class ticket. It seems extravagant but knowing I would have a roomy seat, with a table, and that it would be quieter than the normal carriage (this was in the run up to Christmas) with nobody giving their mates a run down on every last boring detail of their lives made the journey so much more bearable.

Yeah, OH has a First Class ticket. If he didn't he just wouldn't get a seat coming home from work, particularly as he often only just makes the train. Also there's more space for him to get his laptop out and use the commute to do a bit of work. Plus, he gets to know the other people in the carriage (I jokingly call them his 'train buddies') on the early morning train and I think it's nice for him to get to know other people in similar situations to him in that way. He never sees them on the way home as they all get different trains but they're all on that first one in the morning together and it's nice.

BugglyB

daisiegg wrote: »

BugglyB, don't worry - I actually love that guide, have seen it before! OH and I have a slightly alternative type of relationship anyway (nothing scary, just pretty traditional and unfashionable in terms of male/female roles etc) and while I'm in no danger of become a Stepford Wife (not pretty enough for that) it is very much in my nature to nurture and care for other people and I DO see my role as providing a happy, comfortable home for him and any children that might come along.

I'm really interested in this daisiegg. I know all this might be a bit personal so don't answer if you don't want to! Do you intend to give up work and be a traditional housewife (as opposed to SAHM)? Do you agree with just the creating a happy home part or all of it, for example his opinions are not to be questioned?

I'm not going to jump on you for your answers honestly I'm just intrigued in the spirit of curiousity as to how other peoples relationships work. How would it work for example if he was out of work for a long period or if you had fertility problems?