To men/women who work LONG hours - what can OH do to help?

caeler

I typically work 50+ hours and when on major projects, many many more. Unfortunately it goes with the territory so the support of an understanding partner is invaluable. Things that would make life a little easier for me:
*Being made a cup of tea when I get in (without being asked).
*No huffs and puffs when I explain I've got an overnight stay or won't be home until an obscene hour.
*Light housework and washing being complete to totality and not being asked what duties should be performed in my absence or washing being put on but left in the machine thus creating me more work.
*Evening meal being planned and cooked when I get in, so I don't even have to think.
*Catching up on the days events, but not necessarily mine, nothing worse than re-hashing a stressful day when your exhausted, but great to hear about what partner has been up to, whats new, plans for the weekend etc.
*A big hug occassionally - at the height of pressure and exhaustion, sex is usually off the table but still really like affection and not being made to feel guilty over being so tired and fit for nothing.

I am actually single now but my ex-husband did none of these things and I found it incredibly hard to manage everything and feel that I was doing it on my own. (I often did these little things for him when he was under pressure but it when without a thankyou or any notice). BUT when a partner works long hours they have to help themselves, own up if they are in a bad mood, take time out during less busy times and make extra effort to participate in quality time and most importantly show gratitude to the partner (flowers, little gifts or just a big hug back and meaningful thank you occasionally goes a long long long way!)

daisiegg

caeler wrote: »

I typically work 50+ hours and when on major projects, many many more. Unfortunately it goes with the territory so the support of an understanding partner is invaluable. Things that would make life a little easier for me:
*Being made a cup of tea when I get in (without being asked).
*No huffs and puffs when I explain I've got an overnight stay or won't be home until an obscene hour.
*Light housework and washing being complete to totality and not being asked what duties should be performed in my absence or washing being put on but left in the machine thus creating me more work.
*Evening meal being planned and cooked when I get in, so I don't even have to think.
*Catching up on the days events, but not necessarily mine, nothing worse than re-hashing a stressful day when your exhausted, but great to hear about what partner has been up to, whats new, plans for the weekend etc.
*A big hug occassionally - at the height of pressure and exhaustion, sex is usually off the table but still really like affection and not being made to feel guilty over being so tired and fit for nothing.

I am actually single now but my ex-husband did none of these things and I found it incredibly hard to manage everything and feel that I was doing it on my own. (I often did these little things for him when he was under pressure but it when without a thankyou or any notice). BUT when a partner works long hours they have to help themselves, own up if they are in a bad mood, take time out during less busy times and make extra effort to participate in quality time and most importantly show gratitude to the partner (flowers, little gifts or just a big hug back and meaningful thank you occasionally goes a long long long way!)

Thank you I currently do all of the above (although in OH's case it's a glass of wine or a gin and tonic rather than a cup of tea) so maybe I'm on the right track.

Rebecca01

He sounds like a great Dad. Your right ,its probably gone on to long and the daughter is that age that its too late to change now as she would be upset.
Its great he has had the oppurtunity to be able to see her as much, living away.He sounds a good guy.

I do feel for you but hopefully in a a year or two things will have settled down a bit for him.

Slinky

I've just had a scan of your other thread. I think getting somebody in to do the garden would help him. My OH worked away in the week for 4 years, it was sometimes a pain in the !!!! for him to get the grass cut at home at the weekends. I used to try and make sure the housework was done but I work from home long hours myself. In the end I got somebody in to help with the cleaning which took the stress off both of us a bit.

The low value drudge stuff needs farming out elsewhere if you can afford to do so.

nearlyrich

I work long hours sometimes travel a lot DH is retired he makes me a cuppa in the morning just before the alarm goes off, makes sure the heating is on for me at the appropriate times, cooks dinner so it's almost ready when I get home, even de-ices my car if it's been a frosty night. He does stuff like this without me asking him to, he keeps the house clean and tidy, hoovers, empties the dishwasher etc etc.

borkid

Hi Daisyegg this might not be an option but your OH might still have the same amount of contact time if instead of seeing her for 2 days (probably nearer 1 day) twice a month have her stay for the whole of the half term and a week + each other holiday. He'd probably have more contact time that way and be a lot less stressed with less driving. All depends on whether he can have flexitime or holiday time. From your other post this might only be for a short time until she decides she take the train to visit.

When my OH was working long hours I used to arrange a 'surprise 'day at the weekend. I'd take him out do all the driving etc, a meal, concert, a walk whatever I thought he might like.

Lara44

Is it possible to move closer to your OH job? 1 hour commute each way must be a killer after such a long day.

jetplane

originally posted by daisiegg; what little or big things can an OH do to help someone who is in this situation?

For me if I worked this many hours and travelled this often I would need my other half to be my PA, my accountant and my housekeeper, so that I had nothing else to do but work, travel & rest.

But for now - what can I do to help de-stress him and make him feel as little pressure as possible, and somehow help to make him feel he has a life beyond working and travelling?

Whilst I think your very sweet wanting to ease his burdon, only he can answer this one and I would ask him directly what will ease his stress. Some people actually thrive on this sort of pressure and what de-stresses one may irritate another.

For what it's worth I agree that his daughter should not have to change her routine to accomodate him. However I will put my tin hat on before I say that he has made these choices, to move away and pursue his career and it's hard if not impossible to have a work / life balance when your putting that much effort into work. For now I hope he enjoys the time with you and his daughter and hopefully the time to reap the rewards will be sooner rather than later.

FlacosFloozie

I've had weeks where I've worked this long. Recently I've shifted jobs to reduce my hours as I couldn't continue.
Things that helped me- coming home to a hot meal is wonderful. Being able to veg out on the sofa for 10 minutes or so before talking through my day. Hearing about my OH's day- something that takes me away from work. Being able to do the occasional hobby completely unrelated to work- even if its only an hour or two every few weeks. Going out for a short walk before bed- this got us talking and the exercise helped me wind down without totally exhausting me.

Pitlanepiglet

KiKi wrote: »

I would like nothing on workday evenings - not even a massage. Just food, wine, lunch and clothes all ready to take the next day. No hassle - no being asked questions or having to make decisions. No fuss or pestering to decide what we do at the weekend, or making arrangements for stuff.

I'd agree with this, I work long hours with a 45minute commute at each end of the day. We've restructured so that Hubby stays home (he works part time on an intermittent basis) and I go to work (bit of role reversal in our house).

I see his role as doing everything that needs to be done at home and particularly to deal with the pressure of sorting "stuff", looking after my Dad and his Mum etc.

He rang me the other day to say that there was a problem with his car and what were WE going to do about it. My answer was to discuss the options and then tell him to sort it, that's his role - what I really value is the ability to focus on my work and not have to worry about sorting the car or the vet or whatever.

In reality it doesn't work totally this way as he's dyslexic so there are some things that are much easier for me to do than for him so I do the food shopping online, we now do a weekly menu plan so he knows what to cook.

What I find really really stressful are the conversations about how "we" need to do this and "we" need to do that when it's things about the house or garden or whatever. I tend to worry about what I ought to be doing so I hate these conversations, I want him to tell me that he's identified what needs to be done and that he's got a plan to deal with it - I don't want to feel that I need to have to deal with it.

I'm not sure that this helps, the short version is "take the pressure off him of day to day things".