To men/women who work LONG hours - what can OH do to help?

daisiegg

nickyhutch wrote: »

Having read your other thread, I'd be going to get daughter myself so that she's there when he gets home and doesn't have that mega drive to do after a long week at work.

Actually, what I'd be doing is insisting that the mother does half the drive so that her daughter can see her dad, not as a favour for dad), or that she comes on the train every other trip.

Sadly, not going to happen. The first suggestion is a good one but firstly, his daughter's mother has never met me and doesn't want to so probably wouldn't like me rocking up to pick up his daughter - secondly, OH doesn't like the idea of me driving an 8 hour round trip on my own on a Friday night (and with me leaving even at 4.30 which is the earliest I could get out of work, and the drive being smooth with minimal stops and a quick turnaround, we'd not be back until midnight and would have to spend most of their Sunday together doing the same thing in reverse).

As for the mother doing half the drive...NEVER going to happen. I also don't actually really think it should happen...it was his decision to move far away - he could have stayed living nearer to them until his daughter grew up, but he decided he didn't want to wait that long to start his career - so why should his ex have to travel just because he decided to move?

As for the daughter coming on the train, we know from the other thread how much I agree with that!! But I am going to let sleeping dogs lie on that one.

Rebecca01

nickyhutch wrote: »

Having read your other thread, I'd be going to get daughter myself so that she's there when he gets home and doesn't have that mega drive to do after a long week at work.

Actually, what I'd be doing is insisting that the mother does half the drive so that her daughter can see her dad, not as a favour for dad), or that she comes on the train every other trip.

Couldnt agree more.

daisiegg

Rebecca01 wrote: »

Would it be different if she had moved away? Would she have been a bit more willing to share then?

Possibly, but the fact is she still lives there in the town they both grew up in and HE is the one that moved away. If I was in her position I wouldn't want to spend a couple of hours two Friday nights and two Sunday afternoons a month driving just so he could see his daughter, when it was HIM that left me and moved 200 miles away. So under no circumstances do I expect her to put HERSELF out to make his life easier seeing his daughter...(but the daughter coming on the train thing is a different matter and as I've said one I will, in view of the situation and the age, let lie!)

gingin_2

What are his hobbies/ passions other than work? I know my husband uses his commute to catch up on things, whether it be sleep, writing ( his hobby) or paperwork. He keeps fit which definitely helps with the stress and uses the gym for an hour instead of taking a lunch break and works out at home at the weekend, or goes out for a run. My husband also works on a sunday (unpaid) to keep himself ahead at work, which works for him but impacts on family time.

We have a nice routine on the nights that he is home, story for dd, beer, bath, dinner, a spot of tv and bed - all squeezed into 2 hours!

I know that a lot of guys in OH's line of work are on anti d's, anti anxiety tablets and more to keep alert and get through long days and pressure. I'm not recommending it but it can explain why some people manage appear to be coping just fine when perhaps they are not.

KiKi

I would like nothing on workday evenings - not even a massage. Just food, wine, lunch and clothes all ready to take the next day. No hassle - no being asked questions or having to make decisions. No fuss or pestering to decide what we do at the weekend, or making arrangements for stuff.

At the weekends, a surprise massage would be lovely - IF they came to the house and I didn't have to go out. Breakfast in bed. A bath in the evening. A suggestion of a Saturday in PJs playing silly computer games or watching a box set of a TV series I've wanted to watch for ages (I can recommend The Killing!).

A day once a month scheduled in that involves doing nothing for both me and OH - no cooking (breakfast done night before, local cafe for lunch), take away in the evening. A walk in the afternoon if we want to, but an agreement that we do no work, no housework, nothing that constitutes stress.

Nice things in my work bag that make me smile when I get to work, like a cupcake in a box, or a chocolate bar I wasn't expecting, or a little note telling me dinner and wine (or diet coke in my case) will be ready when I get home. Not every day, just every now and then.

That's what I'd want!
KiKi

Sambucus_Nigra

daisiegg wrote: »

TBH I was hoping more for things like "I would like it if my OH offered me a massage if I was tired" or "I like a hot meal as soon as I get in" or "I hate it if she tries to entertain me the second I'm through the door" or "I would like it if my OH kept out of my way for 30 mins after I got home and let me just wind down by myself" or "it would be nice if she dragged me to the pub once a week so I felt like I did something other than work and sleep" or "I can't bear the thought of going out on weeknights when I'm so shattered and I'd much rather snuggle on the sofa"....

But even if 10/100 people said this - your OH might not want this?

How do we know what he would like?

daisiegg

Rebecca01 wrote: »

Your sd is 15 , in a few years she may not want to go and stay in a hotel with Dad . So maybe in that view , it maybe better to just leave things. I think you are great for being so understanding though.

I do think the train is the answer but as you said on the other thread thats an issue.

She is going to be applying for Saturday jobs in the summer as soon as she is 16 so OH thinks the weekends will start to fizzle out then and although he will obviously still see her it will be less rigidly regular and she'll probably spend more time in the holidays with us instead. On the other hand, she could not manage to find a Saturday job and this could continue for another two years until she is 18 and goes to university.

OH split up with her mum (they were never married and their daughter was unplanned...although obviously very loved!) when she was 6 or 7 and he has worked SO hard to maintain a robust relationship with his daughter. I think they have a better relationship than most 15 year old girls do with their dads (certainly better than I did, and mine lived in the same house as me) and he is so involved in her life despite not living with her - attends every parents' evening, careers day etc, knows when all her exams are and helps her with her homework, basically tutors her in subjects she finds difficult (he posts work to her and she completes it and returns in a SAE he provides and he marks it and they discuss it when he visits), takes her to do interesting and cultural things on their weekends together, have 'jamming sessions' on their guitars together and send each other interesting music etc, they go to gigs...I think he couldn't have a better relationship with her if he lived with her mum and there is no WAY he is going to jeapordise that now by making any suggestion that could rock the boat like that her mum should do some of the travelling. Also the suggestion to start to make the weekends less regular or less rigid will NEVER come from him for fear that she'll think he doesn't love her or want to spend time with her - it will have to come from her.

Wow, I really feel like I've opened a floodgate on this thread and the other thread and it has kind of turned into my personal rant session! sorry everyone...

daisiegg

KiKi wrote: »

I would like nothing on workday evenings - not even a massage. Just food, wine, lunch and clothes all ready to take the next day. No hassle - no being asked questions or having to make decisions. No fuss or pestering to decide what we do at the weekend, or making arrangements for stuff.

At the weekends, a surprise massage would be lovely - IF they came to the house and I didn't have to go out. Breakfast in bed. A bath in the evening. A suggestion of a Saturday in PJs playing silly computer games or watching a box set of a TV series I've wanted to watch for ages (I can recommend The Killing!).

A day once a month scheduled in that involves doing nothing for both me and OH - no cooking (breakfast done night before, local cafe for lunch), take away in the evening. A walk in the afternoon if we want to, but an agreement that we do no work, no housework, nothing that constitutes stress.

Nice things in my work bag that make me smile when I get to work, like a cupcake in a box, or a chocolate bar I wasn't expecting, or a little note telling me dinner and wine (or diet coke in my case) will be ready when I get home. Not every day, just every now and then.

That's what I'd want!
KiKi

Thanks this is exactly the kind of thing I was after!

j.e.j.

To answer your original question I'd say just make sure that things are done and he doesn't have anything to deal with/worry about when he IS at home.

He might find relaxation CDs helpful..? Sometimes it can help you to switch off a bit.

Nutritious food, relaxation, getting enough sleep.. all these things will be important for someone who is working and travelling this much.

daisiegg

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

But even if 10/100 people said this - your OH might not want this?

How do we know what he would like?

My thread title isn't "What would my OH like" ...it's asking other people in the same situation what THEY would like. Just to give me some ideas, that's all