Life when your kids are getting independent?

suki1001

I was once in a pub, being a SAHM, who has kept some form of a social life and feel I've always had a good balance of work/motherlyness. I bumped into an old boyfriend, one from school who I thought was wonderful at the time. My opinion of him certainly took a nose dive after this conversation:

He asked me what I was doing, I told him I was a SAHM, he said, you could have told me something more interesting, I said, okay, I'm a rocket scientist.

I don't get this looking down on SAHM, I have every admiration for mums who are dedicated to their children. How great they are prepared to do that and good on them.

Then you get people who knock ones who want children and say hey, it could go wrong, well yes it could, but statistically it doesn't, not everybodies lives are ruined by having children, mine certainly wasn't and has led me to other careers, friends and opportunities, as well as having two wonderful children.

Where did we get to a stage where people are almost seen as a freak of nature if they become dedicated SAHM's, instead of relying the grandparents for unpaid childcare.

Just like anything in life, marriage, redundancy, disability, they all leave gaps in people's lives when things end, but why should that mean they shouldn't be fully dedicated to their cause?
Looking down on someone, because they're taking up hobbies? I'm one of these people who lets life guide them. I know if I take up a hobby, it will lead to something else, new friends, another hobby.

I just don't get this looking down on people. Okay maybe those who do have perfect lives, but there's nothing wrong in other people doing things your own way.

jane130

I have devoted the last 21 years of my life to my children , been a stay at home mum most of the time and loved being able to do that - Now that my youngest is 8 ( the other 3 almost independent)and I am ready to move on , begin the next phase of my life .

For me the hardest part was working out what to do ,Its probably taken 3 years and a whole lot of false starts and disappointments together with plenty of episodes of me thinking I'm not good enough but I think I've found the right track for me. Its going to be a fair few years before I am totally on that road but i am starting an OU course in September and hopefully a degree the year after and for the first time can see me in a career that I will love ( with a sneeky little plan to fulfill a dream along the way).

in the meantime i have had ( and still do ) hobbies and friends that keep me sane and allow me to be me not just somebodies mum ( even though I value that role hugely and do actually plan to enjoy being a grandmother if i am lucky enough to become one)

I guess hwat I am trying to say is that you can be a mum for as long as you like but there does come a point when you need to work out what comes next - the only way to do that is to get to know yourself and what makes you tick - even as a parent you are expected to play lots of different roles - which ones did you enjoy most ? that maybe a good place to start

System

Ive always been a stay at home Mum. I had 5 kids so childcare wasnt really an option (and i wanted to raise them myself anyway) but do i regret it? Yes.

I wish i was financially independant.

BugglyB

suki1001 wrote: »

Where did we get to a stage where people are almost seen as a freak of nature if they become dedicated SAHM's, instead of relying the grandparents for unpaid childcare.

Yet there you are, judging other people. Isn't this whole SAHM/working mother thing getting a bit tiresome now? Yes, one extreme or the other is a bad thing. I dont think anyone has described SAHMs as 'freaks of nature'. Equally I don't think posts saying 'oh so you're saying I should quit my job and pay my bills with magic beans because my children will die of neglect if I go out to work' are helpful.

This thread has the potential to be a discussion moved one step along from that about how do mothers retain/regain their identity when they feel their children start to move away and they have more time on their hands, a nice balanced point of view from jane130 above, for example.

suki1001

BugglyB wrote: »

Yet there you are, judging other people. Isn't this whole SAHM/working mother thing getting a bit tiresome now? Yes, one extreme or the other is a bad thing. I dont think anyone has described SAHMs as 'freaks of nature'. Equally I don't think posts saying are helpful.

This thread has the potential to be a discussion moved one step along from that about how do mothers retain/regain their identity when they feel their children start to move away and they have more time on their hands, a nice balanced point of view from jane130 above, for example.

Yes, there I am judging other people, are you saying I am exempt from doing so? I'm saying people look down on sahm mum's, there are several comments on here, which I'm sure if you read this thread you'll see. This thread turned into something else long before my comment and I don't see why I can't voice my opinion. People have been downright derogitory on here because some women choose not to have fullblown careers. What's wrong with taking up hobbies? This is a discussion forum.

BugglyB

I'm not trying to shut you up, I'm just saying I disagree with you. Of course you have the right to voice your opinion.

My disagreement is that you complain people look down on stay at home mothers, you look down on working mums so you are no better.

suki1001

BugglyB wrote: »

I'm not trying to shut you up, I'm just saying I disagree with you. Of course you have the right to voice your opinion.

My disagreement is that you complain people look down on stay at home mothers, you look down on working mums so you are no better.

So you don't think it's okay to be a sahm?

I'll also add I am a working mum!

tiff

Judi wrote: »

Ive always been a stay at home Mum. I had 5 kids so childcare wasnt really an option (and i wanted to raise them myself anyway) but do i regret it? Yes.

I wish i was financially independant.

How old is your youngest now? Can you make a plan to go back to work so that you can become financially independent?

SunnySusie

onlyroz wrote: »

I also think it's sad that some women consider that having children is their only purpose in life.

But I'd also add that there is nothing wrong with aspiring to be a full time mother and enjoying every minute of it. Some mums stay actively engaged in their kids lives, and their grandkids for as long as they keep going! This is quite normal and acceptable in many cultures.

Each to their own, as long as people know there is a choice (assuming the kids don't mind!).

sarymclary

OP I can fully understand your predicament. I gave up working to be a full-time mum (I don't like the term SAHM because it implies you simply drink coffee and watch daytime TV all day to me), because we couldn't afford childcare while I worked, and my firstborn was not happy in any form of childcare we tried for him, which was an added pressure.

So, I sacrificed a promising, and aspiring career in order to raise my children, whilst supporting my husband on his career path, especially since he became the sole financial supporter of our family. That meant moving around, and dealing with long periods of him being absent from the home. It was important for me to provide my children with stability from at least one of us. Both my parents worked from as long as I can remember (I think my mum returned to work once I was in nursery school aged 3/4). I hated coming home to an empty house, never being walked to/from school. Eating meals alone, etc. That also transpired into weekends, when my parents wanted to socialise after working hard, and I spent more time either being dragged along with them, late nights, or being left at home alone (after the random babysitters time). It was incredibly unhappy for me, and I wanted to do things differently.

Being a full-time mum I always felt was a privilege, and was so grateful to have had the chance to do so. My sister wasn't able to, as she has always had to be the main breadwinner, so I stepped into the breech for her with my neice & nephew, being their unpaid childminder, at the same time I had my own children, plus I attended all their assemblies at school, sports days, open days and did the schoolrun, etc., as my sister was unable to be there for them, and I felt it was important for the children to always have someone there for them at the start/end of the day, and a friendly face in the crowd cheering them on.

So, whilst it was unpaid, this was my career, of sorts. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and as my elder 2 come to the end of their education, the younger 2 are still in school, and do still seem to need me, but I am aware that my own life is now passing me by (I'm mid-40's), and I do wonder what there will be for me once they are all grown and moved out.

The problem with returning to work today, is that it seemed quite easy for my own mother to have 20 years out of the workplace, and then slot back in doing an almost identical role once she wanted to. Technology in the workplace does seem to have put paid to that for many of us, and the expectation for university level education is high in job specs. The reality is that the job I once did, I am no longer deemed capable of doing, because I don't have a professional qualification. Incidentally, the pay wouldn't be a great deal more than I was on back in 1994, which is shocking, but a reflection that the minimum wage may have helped many, but pay bands have come down elsewhere to compensate.

So, what does someone like me do? If you look for jobs in my area of the UK, you're most likely to find jobs for carers/cleaners/teachers. Nothing wrong with any of those roles, but none that really appeal to me. I don't have the finances to be able to put myself through adult education to gain a degree, and in the current climate, if young graduates can't get work, with all the flexibility they can offer, I don't think it looks promising for someone my age.

My way of dealing with this, is that I've tried to create a job for myself. I now have my own business, as a home-baker. It's long hours, it doesn't pay particularly well all the time, and work can be all/nothing, but it's a start, and it has given me a focus in the meantime. Ironically, I'm not just a baker, but I do all my own marketing, PR, did all my own artwork design for my business cards, leaflets, etc., have made my own website, sourced all my packaging, styling products, do all my own photography, as well as learning how to network, and find the right contacts in order to attend events and venues (plus much more besides). I can do all of that despite never having any formal IT training, or doing any courses, but no one would contemplate giving me my old job back in HR earning about £13k p/a. The world is a bit mad these days, so I can understand how any long-term SAHM would feel daunted at the prospect of moving on from there.

To the OP, I would ask if you have any kind of interest, or have put off learning a craft, there is a lot out there that's quite readily to hand. The arts & crafts movement is growing year on year, you can find plenty of magazines with easy to achieve projects in them to help you, and even more online resources to join and learn from, whether it's card-making, jewellery, baking, painting, etc. I've found looking back at what I enjoyed doing as a teenager was where I felt most comfortable dabbling in to begin with. If financially you don't need to work, but feel you'd benefit from getting out of the home, look in your local paper, contact local charities to see about volunteering, or contact your local SureStart centre, to help other young families who would benefit from your experience and wealth of wisdom raising children.

Most importantly, you aren't alone with feeling a bit lost when the children are grown up, and when a role that has engulfed you so much through time and emotions becomes less needed, it's hard to see where you should go now.