Life when your kids are getting independent?

the_cat

Well to be fair a job might be the answer for some. Although as almost anyone who has ever won the lottery gives up work I think we can assume most people would do something else given the choice.

There are many other options though. It is not a case of home or work. Hobbies, friends, exercise, volunteer work, studying can all fill the gap just as much as any job. I wouldn't discount childcare though, just because you want to feel the same way you did with your own kids. Being honest, nothing will feel the same...... not even grandchildren!

Humphrey10

morganedge wrote: »

A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days

^ An example of a career where I really don't see how it would be 'sad' or a 'wasted life' if that was all someone did, and that was how they defined themselves as.
Re: 'wage slave' - you would define a palliative nurse as a wage slave? An artist? A teacher? A doctor? A actor? Or any job that the employee loves - I know someone who loves working in her local shop.

Most of the posts on this thread describe a world totally alien to me - a world where the only jobs available are ones people don't like, where they are only working for the money. Everyone I know works because they like and enjoy the job they do, I know a lot of mothers who are nurses and other health professional, teachers, support workers, other education/childcare workers, people who work with trains who love trains, writers, lawyers, and the woman who works in the local shop mentioned above.

It's not an either/or choice, just because you have a child doesn't mean you can never do something else.

onlyroz

As with everything, it is about striking a balance. I love my children AND I love my job - and I would not want to give up either. People talk about "making sacrifices" as if one or the other must suffer if you try to do both. Really, this does not have to be the case.

Of course some people throw themselves into their careers and ignore their kids, and some people throw themselves into parenthood and ignore everything else - but I don't think either of these extremes is (or should be) normal.

red_devil

see this thread.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3428269

balletshoes

morganedge wrote: »

Most people seem to suggest getting a job/career.
To me, that's a bit hypocritical. I find the concept of your identity hanging on 'what you do for a living' even sadder than other posters seem to think 'just being a mum' is.

maybe the suggestion to get a job is so that the OP can be "herself" instead of "somebody's mum" with other adults (her work colleagues)? I'm definitely not defined by my job, its what I do to pay the bills, but I also thrive on adult conversation and enjoy my workplace (not the work particularly, but the folk I work with). I'm balletshoes there, not my daughter's mum.

cjj_2

Everyones different. I have to say parts of this thread have made me feel like I cant be a role model to my dd because Im a SAHM. Surely thats not right. I have put lots of time and effort into raising 3 happy kids who are now all achieving success in their own right. I also help my dh run a business with me doing my little bit from the home. In the past I have done voluntary work, courses and looked after mil full time 24/7 for 18 months. I suffer severe ocd which limits me socially and have battled this all my adult life. Ocd is the reason its easier for me to work from home as I get very panicky in some situations. However I have always tried to be a good role model to my kids x

gingin_2

cjj wrote: »

Everyones different. I have to say parts of this thread have made me feel like I cant be a role model to my dd because Im a SAHM.

Yep, I have to agree. I am pretty gutted by some of the responses here. I thought it was supposed to be a thread for understanding and encouragement, but, as ever, it gets overriden by some people who actually have no care or concern for the original poster.

elantan

morganedge wrote: »

Most people seem to suggest getting a job/career.
To me, that's a bit hypocritical. I find the concept of your identity hanging on 'what you do for a living' .''

oh i so agree with this ... which is why i rarely if ever ask anyone what they do for a living ... and if anyone ever asks me my answer is loads of things ... and will talk about my garden my latest hike up a hill my time with friends etc etc ... that is my living ... not my job

January20

gingin wrote: »

Yep, I have to agree. I am pretty gutted by some of the responses here. I thought it was supposed to be a thread for understanding and encouragement, but, as ever, it gets overriden by some people who actually have no care or concern for the original poster.

The OP posted about her dilemma and wanted some answers/ opinions and got them. I'm sure she didn't just expect answers in the vein of "awwww, there, there, poor you! let's all try and make it better"! This is a public forum with people from all walks of life, different values, opinions and background, so of course there will be different posts and not everybody is going to be sending love and hugs and kisses!!

As they say, and quite appropriately for a thread about SAHMs , if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen...

rozmister

Dunroamin wrote: »

What a depressing description of a wasted life (unless your mother's now retired, of course).

She's semi-retired. As I said she had kids over 3 decades and is now in her 60s and worked for all of that period (our dad's aren't the best). Why is it depressing and wasteful to spend your later years in life pursuing hobbies that you enjoy??

I'm well aware of fertility problems, my sister was very career focused and ended up needing IVF to conceive my niece because when she got round to having kids she couldn't conceive naturally. For me that's just more of a reason to start younger than her so at least my chances are higher.

I also know fostering isn't for everyone. One of my best friends as a kid grew up in and out of care and I very nearly chose social work (child protection) as my degree discipline but thought it would upset me to much seeing some of the neglect children face. I'd much prefer to work trying to help remedy that.

What I was trying to point out is that one goal is no better or worse than the other; some people really want to be mums and find that makes up the core of their identity others don't. At the end of the day it would be nice to see some tolerance about it rather than damning comments.