Life when your kids are getting independent?

Caroline_a

rozmister wrote: »

I think it's sad that it's socially acceptable to believe your purpose is some career that makes you a wage slave for life but not socially acceptable to believe your purpose, for at least some of your life, is to be a mummy.

I have no kids yet (too young and single!) but I know that having a family is more important to me than a high flying career. I've nearly finished my degree and I don't plan to have kids straight out of uni but for me being a mother is more important than being in the boardroom or keeping my own identity.

My purpose in life, for me personally, is to have a family and children and then when my own children are big foster short term. I love children, I love spending time with them and it attracts me more than having my own career. I've never wanted to work in a nursery and so I pursued studying something else because I figure I will have plenty of time in my life to devote to children.

That doesn't make me any better or worse than someone who aims to be the CEO of a massive corporation one day it just means we have different values. For some people having your own strong identity is important and being a mother is one of many roles that makes up their identity, for others it is the most important role but of course they have other things. I don't see why one is better than the other; we're all different people made up in different ways.

OP I'd try a wee evening class just to get you out and doing something. When I left home my mum did all the things she couldn't do when she had kids (she had 3 of us spanning 3 decades so it had been a long time)! She started a part time course in gardening when I was a teen because she had always love that and when I left home she found a new found love for going on trips (not always expensive ones sometimes she goes camping with my stepdad), long baths, home improvements and buying all the things she didn't dare have when we were younger! She now has a lounge that is like something from Country Living and lots of crockery I am still not allowed to touch! As time goes by you'll find it easier and get into the rhythm without them.

Also if you want to spend just a little bit of time with kids volunteering at a children's centre is always appreciated. I volunteered at one over the summer because my niece lives far away and I didn't want to be an aunty who wasn't used to kids. I just went for one morning or afternoon a week to help with play and I loved it!

I'm glad you're getting an education because, although it's great that you want to be a mum and have a family, sometimes things dont always work out as you anticipate. Fertility is sometimes not as it should be, relationships break up, children are born damaged, and to pin all your hopes on your life for this one thing could be disastrous. I know at least 2 women who went through dreadful times with poor fertility, eventually ending up adopting. Both women had rose-coloured spectacles on being a mum and family life and the reality hit them both very hard. One ended up abusing her child (because he 'wouldn't behave) and he was taken away, and the other's husband left her as he was tired of being totally pushed out within a matter of weeks.

Just enjoy your life as it today - if the family happens, then great, but there are other options too to having a happy life.

Edit: Additionally, children when you're in your 20's is a whole different experience to children in your 50's!

Dunroamin

rozmister wrote: »

I have no kids yet (too young and single!) but I know that having a family is more important to me than a high flying career. I've nearly finished my degree and I don't plan to have kids straight out of uni but for me being a mother is more important than being in the boardroom or keeping my own identity.

My purpose in life, for me personally, is to have a family and children and then when my own children are big foster short term. I love children, I love spending time with them and it attracts me more than having my own career. I've never wanted to work in a nursery and so I pursued studying something else because I figure I will have plenty of time in my life to devote to children.!

So, what happens to your life if you find that you're unable to have children or if you don't meet someone suitable to have them with? Fostering may be an option but it's not for everyone.

Even if you do achieve your aim, for most people who have two children fairly close together, childrearing depndent children takes about 15 years of your working life - what do you do with the other 35?

Dunroamin

rozmister wrote: »

OP I'd try a wee evening class just to get you out and doing something. When I left home my mum did all the things she couldn't do when she had kids (she had 3 of us spanning 3 decades so it had been a long time)! She started a part time course in gardening when I was a teen because she had always love that and when I left home she found a new found love for going on trips (not always expensive ones sometimes she goes camping with my stepdad), long baths, home improvements and buying all the things she didn't dare have when we were younger! She now has a lounge that is like something from Country Living and lots of crockery I am still not allowed to touch! As time goes by you'll find it easier and get into the rhythm without them.

What a depressing description of a wasted life (unless your mother's now retired, of course).

duchy

I belong to a large and diverse group of women all aged around fifty. I've known these women as a group for about ten years and they range from childless career women -to women who worked as the kids got older to homemakers who have never worked -we're a very mixed bunch linked by one common interest.

I have watched some of these women blossom as they for the first time have had the time and opertunity to try new things-for some it was to travel, for others it was to study, try a new career or even a first career and for some it was to return to caring as grandmothers-for most eposure to this group-opened their eyes to the range of possibilities out there for them. The first step for many was new friendships made in the group-often with women from different backgrounds or aspirations to themselves.

Grandchildren wil come if and when they are ready-however with more women choosing to remain childless, infertility and even greater mobility (there's no guarantees your children will choose to raise their families in Britain after all)-there are no certainties that the Grandmother role you fondly imagine will be a reality -so if you feel it's something you want to wait for-then find something that inspires you in the meantime . At worst you'll find something you enjoy and makes you happy-at best you'll be a better rounded person with more to share with your grandchildren -so it's all good.

My Dad died when his first grandchild (my son) was six months old and his next grandchild wasn't born til nineteen years later (my brother married a much younger woman and they chose to wait to have kids)-imagine if he'd waited all that time with his life on hold -waiting for it to happen.

morganedge

Most people seem to suggest getting a job/career.
To me, that's a bit hypocritical. I find the concept of your identity hanging on 'what you do for a living' even sadder than other posters seem to think 'just being a mum' is.
I think spending all your time working will be a much bigger regret when on your death-bed, than spending time properly caring for children.
In fact, there was a study I read recently. This part stuck in my head;
''A palliative nurse has recorded the top five regrets of the dying. Photograph: Montgomery Martin/Alamy

There was no mention of more sex or bungee jumps. A palliative nurse who has counselled the dying in their last days has revealed the most common regrets we have at the end of our lives. And among the top, from men in particular, is 'I wish I hadn't worked so hard'.''

Alikay

Dunroamin wrote: »

What a depressing description of a wasted life (unless your mother's now retired, of course).

How is it wasted if she's happy?

My unhappiest friend is over 50, no children by choice and has been doing a job she loathes all her life (teaching). During her lengthy holidays she's travelled all over the world, ending each day, whether home or away heavily infused with red wine, bemoaning the state of the world and everyone in it. Now that is a wasted life, though her affluence, career and photograph albums would suggest otherwise
.
Oh and no children or significant other until age 45 as she "valued her independence":cool:

the_cat

Dunroamin wrote: »

What a depressing description of a wasted life (unless your mother's now retired, of course).

How incredibly rude!

Each person should have the right to choose the life they want. Just because it wouldn't suit you, it doesn't become less valid. Personally a life given over to work just for the sake of it seems totally pointless. But live and let live eh?

CH27

It really saddens me that so many people condemn other people's choices & lifestyles just because it's different to their own.
Being a mum is hard work. It doesn't matter if we are SAHM or WMs. We all are important & need support not condemnation.

tiff

onlyroz wrote: »

I have always maintained that it is possible to be a mum and to have a rewarding career (and I never said anything about CEOs or boardrooms - careers can be many things and don't have to be all-consuming to be worthwhile). It is not a choice between "mum" or "career".

For those of you who suggest that the OP sits around waiting for grandchildren well I am speechless.

I've always maintained Mums cant have it all, without a lot of sacrifice. I wasnt prepared to go to work full time, that was my choice and my husband was happy with that. I chose to stay at home, then worked part time. I work 1 day a week and volunteer 2 days a week but still feel like I need something more than work.

devilivus

I'm only in my mid 20's and already starting to feel bored with life. I wouldn't be bored if I didn't have to go to work everyday, but, that's life. We all dream of a world where we don't have to work.

Maybe that's why there's a lot of 'benefit bashing'. We're all just completely and uterly jealous!

So yes, getting a job surely won't fill the gap in your life that you are feeling.