Life when your kids are getting independent?

dandy-candy

My kids are all in their teens now and dont need me like they used to - well they still need me to cook, wash up and drive them about!
I was a very cuddly hands-on mummy when they were younger, cuddles and kisses, reading stories to them, watching kiddy tv with them, playing lego on the floor etc. but now they have grown up and I don't know what I'm meant to do with my life now. I became a mum young (19) and so it has been my "career" and I loved every minute of it. I won't be having more kids, and I wouldn't want to go into childcare because tbh it wouldn't be the same with someone elses kids.
I started a course to give myself a new career and it's ok and good to make new friends, but I wouldn't say it's half as nice as being a mum! I can't wait for grandkids to arrive but realistically that is a long way off.
What do people do at this stage in life? I don't really know my purpose right now

gingin_2

I don't know dandy-candy but I can definitey empathise, especially about the "purpose" part. I would love to keep having babies but husband doesn't want to.

I stopped working at 22 and am now 34, my youngest is 8 but I still feel pressure to become some miracle career woman after 12 years of being a full time Mum. It's really, really getting me down.

I've started an Open university degree and at the moment my heart is not in it but I hope that either I gather momentum, or maybe when I do finish, it might give me a vague chance of getting a job that fulfills me, because at the moment my cv is pretty bleak!

I know it doesn't help you but I feel just the same.

busiscoming2

I completely understand where you are coming from as I feel the same. I have never been career minded and am still doing the little job I've done for the past ten years, that fitted in with the kids at school.

I have only one left at school and don't think I'll be a grandma for quite a while yet. I really don't know what to do next.

BrandNewDay

I'm too busy envying you to be able to even relate.

However, I hope that you adjust to this new part of your life and find all sorts of exciting things to do with your time! xoxo

January20

I think the first 3 posts of this thread are very sad. I think it's very sad that you haven't learned to appreciate your life as people, as single entities and that you only value yourself as somebody's mum or even somebody's grandmother - to grandchildren who are not even born yet! such a lack of identity is so depressing!

You don't need a career. You need to start thinking about you, yourself and what you want for you in your life. What about taking on new hobbies, new sports, meeting up with friends, reading books, volunteering, doing all the things that you couldn't do when your children were little? What about finding yourself and living the life your were lucky to be given?

FWIW, I am single, my dd is 19 with a serious boyfriend and a job, so doesn't need me anymore. I have never been career minded and I have loved working (to pay the bills) and being a mum, but I have never forgotten that before everything I was January20, I am January20 and I will be until the day I die. I cannot live my life for other people because I won't get a second chance at this.

Alikay

January20 wrote: »

I think the first 3 posts of this thread are very sad. I think it's very sad that you haven't learned to appreciate your life as people, as single entities and that you only value yourself as somebody's mum or even somebody's grandmother - to grandchildren who are not even born yet! such a lack of identity is so depressing!

Aww..that's a bit harsh! A lot of us, when we become a mum discover something we're really, really good at, and enjoy immensely. As the OP says, childcare isn't the same - it's only part of the job: Maybe like comparing bricklaying with project management of a housing development!

Once the children are independent the project is complete. We may still have the skills and interests that we had before, but the responsibility and diversity of the child-rearing role has changed us and our outlook, and it can take time to find something as rewarding to fill that void.

Keep looking OP, and keep an open mind: Some people are keen to relinquish that nurturing role, others continue to develop it and become great gardeners, retrain as teachers etc. I'm fostering at the moment, but who knows what the next few years will bring? .

January20

alikay, I didn't mean to sound harsh. I really mean it saddens me to see people think like that and be completely lost when their children are grown up. A part of me does understand it, and I know it also happens to people who have an all consuming career too. I just think it's sad. It's like when I see user names like "XXX'mummy" or "Mum2Seven" for instance and my heart sinks a little because I think "Is that all they are? Somebody's mum? Is that all the worth they attach to their being? If they are not somebody's parent, are they nothing (in their own eyes)?

It goes deeper than that though, because I have entered (heated) discussions with people who think that parents should sacrifice everything to their children. There was a thread a couple of weeks ago where a man was being slated because he was planning to have a birthday party without his children (who lived with their mum anyway). He was painted as the worst father for doing so. It's so wrong to think like that!

It's brilliant to have the skills to be a good parent and to enjoy it, but a parent must always remember that they are a facilitator: they are preparing their offspring for flying the nest and an independent life. There is however no need to sacrifice one's self for it.

TheConways

Just speaking from personal experience...

My mother was a stay-at-home mum to me from the age of 25; she worked in agricultural sales prior to this. When I left the nest, she took up stock-market trading online, an activity she's quite successful at. She also is a keen gardener, and grows all the fruit and vegetables for the family, does the accounting for my father's business, and also used to volunteer at the local school, teaching English & Maths one-on-one to children who were struggling (they live in the US: volunteer work is encouraged, unlike in the UK!)

I definitely recommend starting a new hobby, ideally something that could generate income in case you need that in the future (learning to sew/design clothes, growing food on an allotment you could sell at a farmers market, trading the stock market, finding a nightschool course that would suit you..) I tend to agree with January20 - having your own identity is important for your long term health.

Good luck!

onlyroz

I also think it's sad that some women consider that having children is their only purpose in life.

dandy-candy

I do have hobbies and other interests and I don't think of child rearing as my only purpose, but certainly nothing has given me as much joy as bringing up the kids. Ofc now I know I have to adjust to a different way of life and it really is harder than I expected.
I know a couple of people (one childless) who were fantastic super efficient business women and they felt the same when they retired. Everyone said "How lovely - you will be able to do all the other things you never had time for like travelling, golf etc" but they both had actually really enjoyed working and would rather be doing that!

Martha1_2

Dandycandy, you sound like you've been a brilliant Mum to your children.

I know you said you weren't interested in childcare but have you ever thought about fostering, or maybe supporting families with young children who need some extra help - out local council runs family support schemes. You could then use the skills that you've developed at home to help other children and families.

Good luck with whatever you do.