So poor I can't even pay attention

dorothy52

Blimey Piq, you ARE giving yourself a hard time, aren't you? I've had quite a few jobs (including waitressing as a second job when I was skint or saving up for summat - like leaving my 2nd husband lol - and my god it is damned hard work - all that walking and carrying and smiling at customers) and many a time I have been surprised to have been offered the position. You see you don't know how the other candidates have performed. Similarly, I have been on interview panels where the successful candidate was not necessarily the one that 'performed' better than the others, sometimes you just have a feeling about someone (or like their handbag lol) Chin up - we're all here for you and if the daft bat can't see what an asset you would be to the company, well, you wouldn't want to work with/for someone so indept would you?

grannyx2

Piquant wrote: »

I

I am thinking that I deserve a glass of wine, if I finish off the box of wine on the side it would count as decluttering wouldn't it?

Counts as decluttering in my book, I decluttered a box of liquorice all-sorts over the last 2 days

Here's some more, hope its big enough



Try not to laugh too hard

A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness.

He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?”

“Why, what have you got?”

“About £2 and a carrot.”

Granny x

cazmanian_minx

*waves*

It's taken me three days, but I've just finished reading your diary from beginning to end Delighted to have finally found horse central for DFWs and I think Merlin and Finn are taking notes from all the Captain stories....!

For anyone confused about sheath cleaning, this gives you a pretty good idea of how it normally goes (nicked from here:

1.) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.

2.) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).

3.) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)

4.) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand . What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it. Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using. If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.

5.) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)

6.) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in . You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it . No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.

7.) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma. So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.

8.) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken . A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.

9.) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...

10.) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date ;-) and of course, there is that one FINAL step...

11.) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.)

Now, go thou forth and clean that Part :-)

Fingers crossed for some good news from that interview.

Caroline_a

I was having my tea.... :silenced:

*backs slowly away feeling somewhat green*

Piquant_2

*waves back to cazmanian minx* from horseback.....

eek to that :eek: I'm not that thorough :eek::eek:

Although one time when I was considering doing the dreadful job and mentioned it in passing, I found four men queuing outside the Captain's stable :rotfl: Once I said I'd be happy to help them all out, once I'd sterilized the bristle brush, they all disappeared!

This is horse central, cat central, dog central and anything else central! Lovely, lovely crowd I adore them one and all!

I didn't work today so forgot the chores and went and froze down the yard. The Captain sweet-talked me into all the mints in my pocket. He puckers up his top lip and places it on my nose, I consider it a horse kiss. Naturally, over the years he has learned that this 'kiss' gets him almost anything he wants...

Rode in the menage for an hour, gossiped for another hour and then did horsey chores. I bought him an enormous sack of carrots for £2, not a NSD but bargainous nevertheless.

The heating is on for a while, it is very cold. So cold that I can't face the salad I'm supposed to have. Instead I've roasted the tomatoes and a bit of butternuts squash. I will chop the spring onions, add black olives, feta and chilli and have cous cous hot salad! Far more suitable I think.

Seem to have lost my housework mojo, I expect colin ate it. Never mind the housework can wait, it won't go away.

Tomorrow morning I'll meet my Dad for coffee, then it'll be back to the yard for more Captain time.

I'll have to go for a moment, colin has let off the most toxic fart ever _pale_

Mint1955

I have read your whole diary and keep up even though I don't post but Colin ( no idea how to make him small ) has me in stitches ;-)

lucielle

Yuck to the cat farts, glad Captain has clean parts and hope to hear good news soon on the job.
L

Piquant_2

Mint1955 wrote: »

I have read your whole diary and keep up even though I don't post but Colin ( no idea how to make him small ) has me in stitches ;-)

The whole diary? Really? It's so long now, I'm thinking of starting a fresh one. But thank you for joining us, very welcome

You have no idea how to make Colin small? Well, neither do I :rotfl:Come what may, he will find something to eat, he is certainly well rounded! I definitely can't show my face, or colin's, on the pet board anymore...

NewLeaf_2

Piq I am so happy Bear's churn is looking lovely. Will check back tomorrow x

Just_me_him_and_the_pooch

Oh yuck! just read what cazmanion minx wrote, wish I hadn't.

Hope you hear about the interview before tooooo long, nothing worse than waiting for the call back. I am sure you will have done all you needed to do. Fingers & toes crossed for you.