Adult children paying their share of a meal

lostinrates

Seanymph wrote: »

I think someone was right earlier though (sorry I don't remember names) that all families are different - In our family we pay for all the kids, and now all the kids and partners. I hadn't even realised we were doing it.

But sometimes you create and expectation or a precedent and don't even notice it.

Hopefully our children will reach your stage sooner or later and offer to pay for something!

We are going through that transition right now.

Upuntil recently my dad worked, dh's still does. They earned more than dh (i do not work) and my dad possibly still does with pension and minus things like mortgage, having paid for his house now.

The tradition seems to be that the dads would pay when we were out with them. But now my dad is retired and likes to potter around helping me some times. He also likes going out. He likes to have coffee and a sandwich when out and i do not, but sometimes i am treating him to this. Its clear to be the transition to retirement spending is going to be hard for him.

I am pretty sure dh's dad, or mine when he wa working, would have been somewhat offended if we paid for a meal except under specific situations. Going theough the transition with my das is not clear cut.


It seems to me there will be a time when things are different and both dad's will be retired and we might be better off than both then the transition will be complete. Both dad's also used to pay for meals with grandparents in our memory.

But, it might also be an indicator of a snapshot in social history: both our dad's were boomers and of a generation, if not totally relevent in our families, where they expected more than their parents and probably realised more than their children will do....so seem to get the bill for now!

melancholly

i guess in my family, my parents would pay - but i'd offer to split, get shouted down and we'd bring wine/flowers when we next went round. to me, this sounds as much about the expectation of him paying rather than the reality. i know my parents like to look after us but also, i'm an adult and i feel uncomfortable when the traffic is all one way.

OP - your OH should speak to the SS. ask him why he didn't tell him the whole family would be there. not that he's complaining, more that it's a just odd not to mention it. he can say that if it's a big lunch, it would be easier to cook at home rather than go out and spend so much money. that's entirely reasonable and still makes it clear that he wants to spend time with the family.

ska_lover

In my family, when we all go out for meals, my dad INSISTS on paying - and you get 'told off' if you even attempt to pay even your own way. He is happy to see us, as we are a busy family with work and travel etc, getting together is not a regular occurance. For him it isn't about money. It's about family time. Having said that, no one expects him to pay, and wouldn't dream of leaving our cash at home.

Cmon OP, he treat his grown up kids to a meal, It doesn't seem like this is a regular occurance - with him taking them out for a meal, it should have been enjoyed rather than resented. Teenagers do take the P*ss. It's a fact of life. Just be clear about arrangements in the future.

Mojisola

ska_lover wrote: »

In my family, when we all go out for meals, my dad INSISTS on paying - and you get 'told off' if you even attempt to pay even your own way. He is happy to see us, as we are a busy family with work and travel etc, getting together is not a regular occurance. For him it isn't about money. It's about family time. Having said that, no one expects him to pay, and wouldn't dream of leaving our cash at home.

Cmon OP, he treat his grown up kids to a meal, It doesn't seem like this is a regular occurance - with him taking them out for a meal, it should have been enjoyed rather than resented. Teenagers do take the P*ss. It's a fact of life. Just be clear about arrangements in the future.

mico62 wrote: »

When they arrived his daughters (1 married, 1 living with partner) were already there so it had obviously been prearranged.

mico62 wrote: »

if it was just him and the 3 kids spending quality time together I wouldn't mind but he said the 5 of them were talking amongst themselves and it was obvious that they'd planned it before SD phoned him yesterday.

If anything they're getting worse as they get older, to see him come home crushed after going out so happy is heartbreaking.

I would be upset for my OH if he was used by his children like this.

ska lover - it sounds as if the family meals you're talking about are planned as family meals. This wasn't. A father and son afternoon out turned into a pre-arranged "Dad will pay for us all to eat and then we'll leg it".

ska_lover

Mojisola wrote: »

I would be upset for my OH if he was used by his children like this.

ska lover - it sounds as if the family meals you're talking about are planned as family meals. This wasn't. A father and son afternoon out turned into a pre-arranged "Dad will pay for us all to eat and then we'll leg it".

Yeah, they are all prearranged (talking about me), lot of family live miles away

Ahh - as I said, teenagers do take the p*ss.
We live and learn though, I doubt your OH will fall for that again.

burnoutbabe

I am still struggling to see how kids turning up for a meal with their dad should be seen as them "using him".

wasn't he delighted to see his other kids unexpectedly? there clearly is some issue in their relationship if he feels used when they see him, rather than a normal "nice to see them, even if they did spend their time on their mobiles". If there hadn't been a divorce and him growing up living with his kids, i doubt he'd have thought it an issue as its just a normal thing to happen. I'd not think anything of it if sister and her partner and my boyfriend also turned up to a lunch with my dad, i know he'd be happy to see them as well.

Mojoworking

This sounds awful and it is only because somewhere further up the post someone said about" being honest, we'll never know who you are" - I don't see my dad often and when I do I like my partner to be with me as he is far more respectful towards me when he is there, when it is just the 2 of us it's like I'm 12 years old again and he can be quite patronizing and rude - or "he thinks he is being funny" - depending on how you take things -I take them badly clearly!!! My partner is fully aware he is a buffer.

We don't have a good relationship, however 2 of my other sisters do - I can't beat myself up and wish I had the same relationship, however, when I do see him I don't fleece him for a meal and think I pay for it to try and establish I'm an adult and should be treated like one.

Everyone is different - I think if your fella couldn't afford the meal he should've been honest, but it can be a hard thing to say.

In future if son wants to go out for a meal and suggests a location, dad should change his mind at the last minute and take son to "y"!! See what happens then

Good luck - as the old saying goes you can pick your friends ...

silvercar

Seanymph wrote: »

I think someone was right earlier though (sorry I don't remember names) that all families are different - In our family we pay for all the kids, and now all the kids and partners. I hadn't even realised we were doing it.

But sometimes you create and expectation or a precedent and don't even notice it.

Hopefully our children will reach your stage sooner or later and offer to pay for something!

My parents always pay for me and my family and are offended if anyone else offers to pay.

jojo_2012_2

If my parents asked me, OH and my 2 boys out for pub grub they'd pay. If I asked them out I'd pay.

Because it's the teenage son asking, I would assume the parent is paying.

Maybe next time give SS his own money to pay his share, OH puts in his share, then sit back and wait for daughters and their partners to put in their share. If they really hate paying they'll soon stop inviting themselves out for meals.

dontone

ska_lover wrote: »

In my family, when we all go out for meals, my dad INSISTS on paying - .

In DH's side of the family, unless DH offers to pay for the whole thing, my Monster-in-law tells my FIL to "make sure you only pay for our meal" BIL just sticks a tenner in, and the IL's let him off the rest, and put the rest of his in.
In fact it had got to the stage where DH would just say "I'll pay" at the end of the meal. Because the bill always "managed" to end up with him.
The last time it happened was at the MIL 60th birthday, and the BIL not once offered to go halves with DH, even though it was his mother too. The actual bill was £130, and DH ending up paying the lot, we ending up arguing about it later because I felt like I should have been asked if it was ok for him to spend that amount. I know it was a big birthday, but it wasn't fair that the burden to pay was placed on us. It would have been nice for the BIL to say "I'll put towards mam's meal here's £20"
Now our financial status has changed with me not working, I have had to put my foot down and tell DH that under no circumstances does he get the bill and offer to pay the whole thing. We pay for our food & drink and that's it.
Although going with them to eat doesn't happen very often, it's one of the reasons why I hate having to go for a meal with them, also that and we always have to go where the MIL says - and it's usually rubbish.
So, I can completely understand where the OP is coming from, I'd be annoyed too. I could understand if they were a bit strapped for cash and your DH wanted to treat them, but it sounds like he was set up to pay all along. It's also rotten of them not to get anything for his birthday.
Next time OP, tell your DH to get the bill and say "mine and SS comes to £xx here it is" and tell him to put the money on the little plate and pass it along. Can't give them a big enough hint than that.