Adult children paying their share of a meal

mico62

Stepson contacted DH to go out today - he's 16 so DH fits in with his social life and when he wants to spend time with dad. Usually they go to the cinema or bowling but he asked if he could go to a particular pub for lunch.

When they arrived his daughters (1 married, 1 living with partner) were already there so it had obviously been prearranged.

In DHs words the two 'men' had 'sown up pockets' and when the bill arrived DH was left to pay for them all. What would've cost £25 max ended up costing him over £80 and I know he didn't go out with that much cash so he will have paid out of our joint account.

This isn't the first time they've done this so does anyone have any suggestions as to what he should say in future. As you can imagine I'm :mad:

BTW I don't have a problem with him spending money on his kids I just feel he's being taken advantage of. As soon as they'd finished they all got up and left whereas normally he wouldn't be back for another 3-4 hrs if it had just been him and SS.

HappyMJ

If it's the kind of pub where you order at the till then pay cash at the till for his own drinks only. Forget about everyone else. Maybe give the son £5 so he can buy his own drinks. At 16 he should be able to order non-alcoholic drinks at the bar himself.

nearlyrich

Get DH to practice saying "Are we splitting the bill or are we all paying for what we have ? I will pay for son's and mine but I can't afford to cover it all just had to put new tyres on the car/ pay deposit for a holiday" whatever or no excuse just "I am not paying for everyone today". It's tricky we tend to pay for everyone if we invite the family out for lunch but we accept drinks from the kids now that are all earning and we had to fight FIL for the bill whilst he was still around.

cheepskate_2

Sorry haven't got any advice re : the bill.
But maybe he has to start building up his relationship with his children so that they want to spend time with him, rather than having the meal and leaving.

balletshoes

okay for starters, I wouldn't be differentiating between the girls and their partners - they all seemed to have "sown-up pockets" from what you say.

The only way your OH is going to be able to sort this out in future (if he does want to) is to say at the start of the meal, before they order etc, "so are we splitting the bill"? Don't leave it any later than that, then no-one is in any doubt about it.

FWIW, I have a work colleague with a grown-up daughter who absolutely dreads being invited out by her for any reason - as she knows its them, Mum and Dad, who will end up paying the bill :cool:. But then, my colleague likes to be needed, and I think her daughter totally plays on that, even though she's lived with her boyfriend for the last 5 years.

Ich_2

Yes, next time pass the bill to one of the others with the comment "I paid last time, so isn't it your turn"

mico62

cheepskate wrote: »

Sorry haven't got any advice re : the bill.
But maybe he has to start building up his relationship with his children so that they want to spend time with him, rather than having the meal and leaving.

He gets on really well with his married daughter who's often at our house and sees his son as much as he can but anyone with teenagers will tell you kids would rather be with their mates than out with mum or dad so he comes here or goes out somewhere with his dad when he wants to and not because its 'dad's weekend'. That's why DH was so happy when he got the phone call last night. But you're right there are problems with his middle daughter and I don't think he's seen her without her partner being present for almost 3 years.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Thats such a horrible thing to happen to your other half. I can completely understand why you feel :mad: and like he was stitched up. What a nasty way for him to be treated by his kids. Almost comes across as if they fancied lunch out but couldn't afford it, so schemed to ask him along and then sat back and let him pay for it all. They ought to be ashamed of themselves. His company is good enough whilst he is feeding them and paying for them and then they clear off and drop him like a stone. Shameful way to carry on in my opinion.

I know full well what my dad would have done if I or my siblings had made it obvious we were pulling a stunt like that on him. He would have put the cash down to cover his part of the meal then called the waiter over. He would have said 'if this lot cant cover their part of the bill you had best set them to work washing your dishes mate'. Then he would have walked out and rightly so.

To be honest I would be phoning them up and asking what the hell they think they are playing at. He is their dad not a cashpoint machine.

Fosterdog

That's a tough one. Both my parents and my OHs parents pay for our meals if we go out as a family but this is always pre arranged and we always offer money but they refuse. We usually buy flowers/brandy as a thank you a day or so later though.

It sounds like your OH is being taken for a ride. Out of interest how do the daughters behave when it's just them and their dad? Have they always been spoilt so now just expect it or should they know better?

Maybe your OH needs to speak to the daughters separately and tell them that while he's happy to pay for things for special occasions or if it's pre-arranged but £80 out of the blue is not acceptable and he now has to do without something because of it. Even if he agrees that each person pays £5 or £10 themselves and he makes up the difference.

pinkclouds

My parents always foot the bill. Unless we resort to sneaking off and paying without warning them. (Something we save for larger, more formal occasions or we'd never get the chance! E.g. sister will distract parents and I'll send hubby off to pay before the end of the meal so the bill hasn't been asked for yet.) If dad would be happy for SILs to pay, then I'd suggest alerting your stepdaughters to the "sneak off and pay" ploy. SILs may be worried about offending him, especially if stepdaughters have told them that dad always wants to pay.

Mojisola

nearlyrich wrote: »

Get DH to practice saying "Are we splitting the bill or are we all paying for what we have ? I will pay for son's and mine but I can't afford to cover it all just had to put new tyres on the car/ pay deposit for a holiday" whatever or no excuse just "I am not paying for everyone today".

I wouldn't wait until he's at the pub unless it's absolutely necessary. Next time a meal is suggested is the time to lay down the ground rules so that everyone who comes knows that they're going to be paying for their meal themselves.

If he gets ambushed, he should pay for his and young son's meal at the time of ordering. Let the others sort themselves out.