Adult children paying their share of a meal

caeler

I agree about the advice about upfront asking how the bill will get paid. I am often treated by my grandparents but I never expect it and when I protest about sharing the bill it is genuine and I'd be more then happy to treat them on occasion (if they'd let me!).

jackyann

Well, like so many of these dilemmas, it depends on what has been the custom & expectation over many years.
I also think that most 16 year olds might not be completely aware socially / financially of the implication of suggesting that his sisters join the party.
You weren't part of the party & I wonder if your DH is a bit torn - wants to see his kids & enjoy their company, but feels awkward about spending from your joint acccount - so I wonder if he is completely clear to them about who pays.
I am fairly new to this - my parents & close family would never have dreamed of suggesting we went out for a meal except for a very special occasion ( my engagement is the only one I remember) - all invites were to their home and I carried on the tradition. Recently a series of moves have put me in the position of suggesting family meet for a meal out. Then I realised that different families or groups of friends have different traditions & expectations in these situations.
People I work with tell me it is now much more common for families to meet up at pubs or restaurants, and are quite astounded that I would happily cook for a get-together of 20 or so.

thebillet

Anticipate, anticipate anticipate; if he mentions the pub tell him that you/he is cutting down, that should break up the trap.

Seanymph

We have always taken 'the family' out for occasions, and now they are older we seem to add partners/boyfriends etc and end up paying the bill. I'd never thought about it.

However, we ask them - if we ask we pay, if they ever bothered to invite us anywhere I'd offer to pay half.

So I think if SS 'invites' your OH to lunch your OH has to say at that point either 'that would be lovely but I insist on paying my half' or 'that would be lovely, are you sure you can afford it'.

mico62

Fosterdog wrote: »

It sounds life your OH is being taken for a ride. Out of interest how do the daughters behave when it's just them and their dad? Have they always been spoilt so now just expect it or should they know better?

.

That's how I feel, if it was just him and the 3 kids spending quality time together I wouldn't mind but he said the 5 of them were talking amongst themselves and it was obvious that they'd planned it before SD phoned him yesterday.

If anything they're getting worse as they get older, to see him come home crushed after going out so happy is heartbreaking.

make_me_wise

Their whole approach to him seems odd to me. I dont think they have just taken advantge of him in a monetary way. Its almost as if they can take or leave his company as it suits them too. This must be particularly hurtful. They are all adults and I think some straight talking and clearing the air is way overdue. Otherwise incidents like today are going to become common events.

miss_independent

That certainly sounds unfair imho and like your OH is being taken advantage of. I was recently in a position where I was invited to my best friend's 30th birthday meal which was only immediate family and myself and her other best friend - her fianc! invited me and basically said I should consider myself really lucky to be invited as hardly anyone was invited etc and the whole thing seemed very formal. It was held at a very expensive restaurant that I wasn't familiar with (I assumed that it was just a "normal" Italian restaurant and not so upscale). Now the way I was brought up is when you invite someone for a birthday meal you pay for them as you have invited them and are requesting their company. However, I didn't know whether to ask and how I would do it, if I did. Luckily, the other friend handled it really well by saying at the start of the meal, "would it be better for you if us two went on separate bills to the family so it's easier when it comes to paying?". She too wasn't sure who was paying and it soon emerged that we were expected to pay. Being so direct helped avoid confusion at the start and as she pointed out, otherwise we might have had to pay a fraction of the bill which would have been difficult for us as we both recently lost our jobs and are struggling financially at the moment. Getting it on separate bills meant that we could just pay for our own meal and drinks (could only afford one) and not end up paying 1/6th of the bill which would have been a lot when people where having 5 drinks, starters, desserts, mains and extras like garlic bread etc.

I really think it's best to clear things up before you order and say "it's on separate bills" to the waiter/ess. I really can't believe they did that to your husband! How rude!

Ich_2

Is there a bit of undue influence being put onto the SS here by his sisters (and possibly their OHs), at his age I doubt anyone would expect him to pay.

mico62

Ich wrote: »

Is there a bit of undue influence being put onto the SS here by his sisters (and possibly their OHs), at his age I doubt anyone would expect him to pay.

Definitely. He's a lovely lad but I think (know) something was said to him after he'd stayed here one weekend - he'd originally come for tea and asked if he could stay later and watch a film then asked if he could sleepover and we all went out the next day with the dog but since then he's been different with DH and avoids eye contact with me when he does come here.

Ich_2

Definitely.

The cynical me wonders about your OH's Ex influencing something here, with possibly his daughters leaning to her point of view.

That being the case some extreme caution might be needed going foreward