Adult children paying their share of a meal

RadoJo

mico62 wrote: »

But you're right there are problems with his middle daughter and I don't think he's seen her without her partner being present for almost 3 years.

Why is that a problem? I've barely seen ANYONE without my partner for the last 10 years, because we're a couple and spend most of our free time together - has your husband got a specific reason to want to see his daughter without her OH?

lostinrates

mico62 wrote: »

I spoke to DH about it last night and in his words he feels used and ambushed. It was his birthday a few wks ago and all he got was a text from each of them. I'd contacted the eldest to invite them here for a meal but they were too busy even when I offered alternative dates.

I second that this is not about the lunch. Something else is probably going on here, that you may not be aware of, and that may be unfair or selfish from their pov. It could be to do with their fathers relationship with you or indeed some thing they think you feel about them.

I hope your husband and his adult kids build a stronger relationship. It might involve a few more expensive lunches, but perhaps he should actively instigate one?

Seanymph

Maybe they saw that as a chance to have lunch with him when they were all free and it was a late birthday celebration in their eyes?

I too think there are undercurrents - and I'd look at your relationship with his children to try and smooth things over a bit maybe? It seems strange that you weren't included.

BugglyB

OP I really feel for you here. I think the problem is your control over what happens here is limited, all you can control is how you personally react to the situation. All that you can do - and I'm sure it will be a big help - is provide your oh with love and reassurance and try and smooth the path for his children to come back to him.

Mojisola

Seanymph wrote: »

but can see why they would all want to surprise their dad with a meal out.

Well, it was certainly a surprise that he was expected to pay for them all!

Seanymph

But he may have always done that. And he may not have shown THEM that he was unhappy with that. And he may have offered.

You just don't know.

I think to say they are being manipulated by the ex, and are selfish individuals who don't want to spend time with him which is what the OP wants to believe is worth challenging.

It could be that the OP has been resistant to them, has issues with the ex herself, involves herself in every aspect of his contact with them and they have therefore chosen not to come to his home, but to see him out, and he insisted on paying but has flat out said to the OP that he doesn't like having to pay so that she doesn't give him an earful.

When it involves exes and stepkids there are always subtexts. The OP remarks that it 'had to come from the joint account'. I know myself that if OH wants to spend something for his kids that he knows I won't support (as opposed to mine) he will use his account not 'our' account so that I can't complain - and I do the same.

So I know why the OP said 'from the joint account'. I also know that it indicates a level of frustration over other issues to say it.

Mojisola

Seanymph wrote: »

But he may have always done that. And he may not have shown THEM that he was unhappy with that. And he may have offered.

You just don't know.

I do know that if I invited myself to a dinner that my brother had arranged with my parents, I wouldn't expect them to pay for my food!

In fact, in the situation as described, me and my sister would have split the bill 50/50, paying for Dad and younger brother.

Seanymph

I think someone was right earlier though (sorry I don't remember names) that all families are different - In our family we pay for all the kids, and now all the kids and partners. I hadn't even realised we were doing it.

But sometimes you create and expectation or a precedent and don't even notice it.

Hopefully our children will reach your stage sooner or later and offer to pay for something!

sassyblue

mico62 wrote: »

I spoke to DH about it last night and in his words he feels used and ambushed. It was his birthday a few wks ago and all he got was a text from each of them. I'd contacted the eldest to invite them here for a meal but they were too busy even when I offered alternative dates.

I'm outraged for your hubby!! Sorry to judge but the kids sound spoilt to me, l wouldn't dream of asking my parents out and then expecting them to stump up, because l respect them and l'm a grown up!

I'm not sure how he can proceed either as l would be fuming they could only bother with a text for his birthday but as he says, ambush him when it suits them.

Can't believe they are grown up and married but still treat their dad like a cash cow. Actually l think next time any of them ask him out he could say 'sorry we're cutting back but you're more than welcome to come for a meal here?' they did after all exclude you too, shame on the lot of them.

Acc72

Seanymph wrote: »

But sometimes you create and expectation or a precedent and don't even notice it.

I completely agree with the above.

I still don't believe that the problem is the paying for a pub lunch though - although the OP continues to ignore this (as they appear to also be doing in "real life").