Her mother is making me resentful

Lotus-eater

Keith123 wrote: »

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

I would put up with it to be with my wife, though obviously we haven't got a clue how bad it actually is for you.

I wouldn't do a half way house like that though I think, I'd have to sort it.

VfM4meplse

Keith123 wrote: »

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

Have you ever sat down with your wife, and discussed joint goals, and agreed outcomes? If she commits to your joint plans willingly, and then changes her mind after your MIL has had an input, you will have evidence of her inappropriate influence. You married your wife, not her parents, and whilst they are part of the package you made your vows to each other forsaking all others. Tbh I think your MIL should be thoroughly ashamed of interfering in your relationship, it's her own that should be her concern.

DVardysShadow

Mojisola wrote: »

I think you might be past the subtle, change-one-small-thing-at-a-time route. If you'd started years ago, it would have been a good idea.

It depends what you're willing to risk. If you talk things through - or write it down so that you can think carefully about how you phrase things - and she won't shift her view, your relationship is over. Are you prepared for that or is there is enough left for you to want to work on it if she is willing to take your feelings seriously.

This prompted me to think - I am not sure quite why - that it is probably better to handle this by adopting a position and being the immovable object rather than by being the irresistible force in getting to that position.

VfM4meplse

DVardysShadow wrote: »

This prompted me to think - I am not sure quite why - that it is probably better to handle this by adopting a position and being the immovable object rather than by being the irresistible force in getting to that position.

You're right, but this is a high risk strategy that may lead to stalemate rather than a compromise.

I've said it several times on this forum, but I think marriage is about putting the happiness of your spouse before your own. If both husband and wife do this, then they're both ecstatically happy, and the world's problems are solved (well that particular micro-universe's problems, at any rate!).

gallygirl

Others have asked, but I don't think I've seen a reply about how often you go round there?

Keith123 wrote: »

It either gets ordered for me or I just say I'll have whatever. It's important to understand that there a whole host of examples, but that is the first one I could think of and so the only one I have mentioned.

If I was put in your shoes right now I think I'd have one more go at fixing things without causing a major scene.

Instead, I would make a list of examples for your own eyes only, and ask yourself how you could intervene to get a different outcome for each one. For example, with the takeaway, do they have a menu, or are they ordering from memory? If there is a menu then ask to see it! If not, then go out of your way to collect one. Next time a takeaway is mentioned you can whip it out (;)) and say you fancy xxx for a change. TAKE CONTROL!!!! Also - who pays for it - that can affect the dynamics.

If you do them a favour, don't wait for praise. E.g. say to them 'what did you think of the fence? It took ages to do but I was really pleased with how it turned out - was that what you were thinking of' etc? Ask open questions and get them to engage.

I think you are allowing yourself to be a victim by not taking any action, and you are just sitting there with a mental 'ignoring/rude bingo scorecard', mentally ticking off examples without taking any action. And possibly missing the odd bit of positive feedback because it doesn't fit with your expectations*

Sorry to be blunt, I don't really do tact . I hope you make some progress.

* not that I'm comparing this to my OH and his mother you understand .

Lionnose

Keith123 wrote: »

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

I wouldn't walk away from my OH. But that's just me. I'd rather spend a long time slowly changing the dynamics of our relationship for the better, but as I said before different things work for different people. If I can see progress and I know I love someone then I have something to keep aiming towards. If I tried the small things and these didn't work then I would go for broke and get it out in to the open. If this didn't work then it would be my time to end it.

I do hope this works out for you either way.

epsilondraconis

Keith123 wrote: »

but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

It could be argued that some of this is down to you because you've allowed your wife / MIL to dictate the terms whilst you've bottled it up.

Would I put up with it? Absolutely not.

You're now in a more difficult position because time has gone on and now you want to change it. My concern is that you've gone from burying your head in the sand to talking about just leaving and relying on your support network.

Who knows, it may end up with you leaving; however you're both adults and a relationship is all about compromises. You need to try to find some common ground that makes you feel comfortable, whilst your wife continues to maintain a good relationship with her mum.

Have a think about what common ground you believe you can agree with your wife and discuss that with her.

If you don't believe you will ever find common ground with your wife then I guess there is only one solution.

I think the answer to this lies between your wife and you. You both need to agree how you will move forward and interact with her mum.

Before you begin discussing it - agree between the two of you that neither of you will end up arguing / storming off / throwing things etc. You will have an adult conversation and discuss it rationally.

Good luck.

Devi

Hi Keith,

i've just read your original post and it reads as if you've made a decision about your relationship already but seem to be looking for a way out, evidence of cheating etc - anything apart from addressing the real issue with your wife.

I've been in the reverse situation where my ex-husband worshipped the ground his mum walked on and wouldn't hear of anything against her. She played on it and would do things to undermine me (using her key to let herself into our house to clean and iron his (still wet) shirts and cook for us (sounds lovely, i know, but wasn't) which he then held against me.

It wasn't the main reason our marriage broke up but it was certainly a contributing factor.

it seems like you are at the end of your tether but i think you should speak to your wife and give her a chance to change and if she's unwilling to do so then i feel you don't have any other option to leave which could shock her into facing up to her mum's ways and fight to win you back.

I hope everything works out for you, you sound like a lovely guy for putting up with such bad behaviour for as long as you have.

you also don't mention anything about your/your wife's relationship with your own family.

missprice

Keith123 wrote: »

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

not walk away cos i love my OH dearly

but we have agreed to disagree about his parents

he can and does go visit them whenever he likes (around once a month ish)
but I never visit
long story and too involved for now but can say they ignored me for 3 years and I wasn't happy, so I went my own way and invited OH to stuff on those days I knew he was visiting
sometimes he came with sometimes not
but after a year he asked why and I told him the truth and said I don't mean to hurt but I wont be treated like that and we carry on
so it does work although my situation not as extreme by the sounds of it

balletshoes

Keith123 wrote: »

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

If it makes life more bearable for you not to be around your MIL because she pointedly ignores you, and that would make your marriage more bearable, then I don't think I would walk away - as that would be a solution wouldn't it? Otherwise why would you do it?

However, I'm with the posters on this thread who think your in-laws aren't the problem at all, the issue is your wife's point-blank refusal to listen to how you are feeling. She should listen and acknowledge when you tell her you are worried/scared/upset etc etc. Whatever the reason (but I wouldn't be listing MILs faults, remember she is her Mum and thats a dangerous place to go if you don't think you can do it calmly).

I think the letter to your wife is a good idea.