Her mother is making me resentful

epsilondraconis

If I was in your position, I would just go around to the MIL's less and less. Still go around on special occasions etc and other times that you have promised. However, those times that you just drop by, let your wife go on her own.

Just be matter-of-fact about it with your wife and say that you don't enjoy going around there because of how you feel you are treated by your MIL.

They will all soon get the message.

belfastgirl23

Keith123 wrote: »

I love everything about my wife and could never imagine life without her but I feel that I am slowly becoming emotionally detached from her, and I have sometimes thought that I might be better off on my own. This got to the point where I started checking her emails. Now I trust her fully but I was desperately trying to find some excuse for us to split up, like evidence of cheating etc.

I know that her parents really like me, but I hate how they make me feel (possibly unintentionally). I also know that if my wife starts acting like that with me then I am out the door without hesitation.

I think this is really worrying. I think you need to tell your wife now that you need to have a proper talk with her about something. And then sit her down and tell her what you've said here. You could do it near enough in those words. But very much focus on your feelings rather than on what her or her parents do.

If she tries to change the goalposts, then don't let her. She is going to do everything she can to avoid talking about this. so you need to keep bringing her back to what it is that you want to talk about. You can agree that you can talk about your parents or whatever at another time but for now you want to talk about your feelings.

I don't think her parents are really the problem at the end of the day. Her mum is obviously not particularly picking on you, she just has a view that husbands aren't all that important. So it's not personal. My worry is that your wife has picked up the same tone here.

I know I've had to have a version of this talk with my DH because I didn't like how he was with me around some members of his family (the family members were fine BTW it was about him and how he expressed himself in front of them). Now if he starts it, all I have to do is raise my eyebrows and he realises what he's doing. He didn't before though!

I know raising it feels risky but not as risky as letting it fester. Make sure your wife knows that you're scared and worried about talking to her about this. That alone should worry her!

saterkey

it sounds like your relationship will be exactly the same as theirs in a few odd years, i imagine the fil had the same feelings and he just buried them, they do say look to your mother in law to see who your wife will be. Unless you take a stand, nothing will change, partners should be on an equal footing. My mum is a little like this with me, and i try different ways of doing things, she has this way of always bringing up things that happened when i was a child, that i dont want to remember, for instance i was drunk once when i was 16 not pleasant, i say yes i remember to shut her up but no she has to carry on with the whole saga even if its just the two of us. Anyhow I answered back quickly once to this scenario, cut her off and said yes I remember the time when they had to push you up the stairs when you came home drunk it was really funny, she just looked at me and said yes maybe we should just all keep our mouths shut then and walked out, i was flabbergasted, it shut her up, she hasnt mentioned it since and i had a big smile on my face. I dont see her often, and usually have the kids with me or talk about them and dont stay long, that way we seem to get on reasonably. So try different ways of standing up for yourself, have a different takeaway order for yourself and state that youd like to try, or offer to pay for the whole thing as your treat, make yourself visible. If you want out of your marriage like you say, show your wife your thread, it will explain how you feel, she can either go two ways, you never know if you get over your point without her blowing up half way through things might improve, or you might have to move on, either way you will be out of limboland. Check on all your finances and make sure your stable though so you are okay if you have to move out etc.

suki1001

Just an idea, but this is how I might handle it. People can add , change or say it's a crap idea, but it's what I'd do:

Dear Wife'

I'm writing to you, because I'm having dificulty communicating to you what I've been going through. Firstly I love you very much, but I am really concerned that if I keeps things bottled up, I'm going to fly off the handle.

All I ask before you read this, that you don't judge me, but support me as a wife. I really need your understanding. For some time I've struggled with how your mum is with me. I'm not sure if it's me reading the wrong messages, or if I've got the completely wrong end of situations, but i feel uncomfortable. I realise this is difficult for you, because she is your mum.

I'd like to be able to talk to you about it. Not aggressively, or argumentatively, just talk and have a conversation, because whether or not I'm imagining things, I'd love to be able to discuss it with the person I most love. I appreciate everything your parents have done for us and this really isn't getting at any of your family, I just need to know I have your support and back up and understanding, because I'm struggling.

I'd also like to apologise when you saw me talking about the situation with your friend, I can understand why you were really upset about it, it wasn't the right way to deal with my problems.

Love hubby

Keith123

I want to thank everyone again for the help and support you have shown me. It's nice to know that there are people willing to help a stranger.

The truth is that I have been dealing with this for a very long time and only very recently realised that something has to change, or nothing will ever change. I have kept all of this bottled up for fear of the consequences, but for the first time I am really not scared. I know that if it came to it I could leave with just the clothes on my back and my support network would be there for me. I would lose her, my possessions and possibly the friends we have in common, but none of that compares to my health and well being.

I am going to deal with this one way or another, and if it erupts then so be it. Now I just have to decide how...

BugglyB

Good luck keith123! I hope you find some peace.

Lionnose

Not everyone can be direct so here is another option

I have found that sometimes you don't have to have that 'sit down and talk' approach to get your point across, just make slight changes. As someone else has said everytime something like this happens jot it down and think, next time I could ..... and think of other ways you can get around the situation.

You could talk about it on and off, small comments here and there, when things happen.

Sometimes people feel you are putting them and their family under the spotlight if you sit them down and discuss it. They can get quite defensive and then you go no where.

I think the idea to see them a little bit less is a good one. You don't have to be blunt about it, you could just say to your wife, why don't we go to the cinema tonight (see the list earlier from another mse user) etc. I wouldn't avoid them for long periods of time, but the more quality time you spend with your wife (and the less she spends with her parents) you might find she relies on you more heavily than them.

Keith123

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

VfM4meplse

There's been a lot of good advice in this thread, which has made me think.

I have on occasions had to say to my parents "don't say anything bad about x" (x being the dish of the day), and vice versa, ie I wouldn't let any b/f speak badly of my parents. That is not the same as stating facts in an impartial way.

Has it occurred to you Keith123 that your wife may have had the same conversation with your MIL and may be holding the ring?

Mojisola

Keith123 wrote: »

A lot of people have been saying that if I do such and such or so and so then I can get my wife to rely more on me then them, or that if I convince her that we see MIL/FIL less then it would make things more bearable; but I have to ask, how many of you would simply put up with that and who would just prefer to walk away?

I think you might be past the subtle, change-one-small-thing-at-a-time route. If you'd started years ago, it would have been a good idea.

It depends what you're willing to risk. If you talk things through - or write it down so that you can think carefully about how you phrase things - and she won't shift her view, your relationship is over. Are you prepared for that or is there is enough left for you to want to work on it if she is willing to take your feelings seriously.