Her mother is making me resentful

DVardysShadow

Keith123 wrote: »

It either gets ordered for me or I just say I'll have whatever. It's important to understand that there a whole host of examples, but that is the first one I could think of and so the only one I have mentioned.
TBH I don't care how they chose to run their relationship, as long as mine doesn't follow suit. I would never bring it up in discussion, only how I am treated. We have been together nearly 10 years and married for 6

:beer: I think you will have to accept that you may need to gamble a little and say things which might place yours at risk in order to prevent it going down the lines of theirs.

Keith123

DVardysShadow wrote: »

:beer: I think you will have to accept that you may need to gamble a little and say things which might place yours at risk in order to prevent it going down the lines of theirs.

I think you may be right. Saying nothing doesn't seem to be working, and being unhappy forever doesn't work for me either. I've been stressed with this for too long. I guess I need to be calm, think about everything and what the next step might be.

sassyblue

Keith123 wrote: »

To be honest though MIL is not the main problem here, as fluffnutter pointed out, the main problem is with my wife.

She once caught me talking about her mother with a friend and she basically said to me that if I ever did that again then we were finished.

This is also why I am praying to got that no one involved reads this or is aware of identities. It would be marriage over in a shot.

Firstly my dad never takes an interest in how mum decorates the house, and he never has done, so you can't say FIL is suffering from emotional domestic abuse, my dad certainly isn't.

Secondly the above, who does your wife sound like?

You HAVE to discuss this with her it's not all about her, you are a partnership so why should she go on the defensive? Tell her you have a problem and if she's not willing to discuss it or help with a solution then what does she think makes a marriage?

I think l would laugh in your MIL's face that she finds it amusing when you said your opinion matters.

elmer

My Mum can be like this and I never ever noticed it as she is "normal" to me, but she ignores my husband and talks over him.

When he pointed it out to me ( after waiting about 5 years for me to notice!!!), I still found it hard to spot, but he was right and she is horrible to him..

So now I try to make sure that if she doesnt introduce him I do in a very loud and obvious way, and I will ask him what he wants to do after she has decided for him etc...

So I think you need to persuade your wife that her Mum is like this, as I was used to my Mum, I didnt believe that she would be so horrible, and I took some persuading

Good luck

elmer

Blackpool_Saver

A lot of older people do not even realise they are suffering emotional abuse because they are so used to it and see it as a trade off rather than being alone. My aunt is a perfect example with her anything for peace attitude.

Lotus-eater

My Mum <sometimes> treats my wife like this. I'm sorry, but I don't let anyone in my family treat her like that. If there is a problem I deal with it on the spot.

Most of the time, to keep the peace, we (my wife and I) just give each other a look and smother a laugh.

You're not going to change the MIL unless you stand up to her. If your wife won't let you stand up to her a bit, ie you want to pick your own take away FGS, then you have a problem my friend.

Either stay away from her Mother (and I wouldn't be backwards in coming forwards to tell her (your OH) why), or you're going to have to do something before your marriage explodes.

Savvy_Sue

Keith123 wrote: »

I understand that I need to stop looking at what other couples relationships are like, but I do know what mine should be like, and I should be with my wife not exploding when I want to tell her how I feel, and me not having to carry so much pain inside. The thought of having to put up and shut up to keep the peace between me and wifey for the rest of my life is not nice, but the thought of being without her is far worse

I'm not convinced that there is an 'ideal' relationship we should all aspire to, however there clearly is a problem here.

DVardysShadow wrote: »

Just wait for the old girl to step out of line and say bluntly and directly "That was out of line and unacceptable" and leave it at that. And tell wife afterwards "I have had enough of it and if she won't behave and you won't discuss it, then you'll have to let me deal with it my way - and you'll have to get used to it from now on unless you are going to discuss"

That might work.

I'm not sure you'll be able to convince your wife that this is a problem which needs counselling. However, there are ways of approaching the problem obliquely, as it were.

You may find that there are 'marriage courses' available locally: in our area a few couples get together for a meal, someone gives a short talk, then the couples talk to each other (radical!). There may be 'homework'.

This might be less difficult than 'counselling'.

*Louise*

My MIL used to be like this. One example was that she would always phone when I was at work, (5 mins after I left each time lol) so she could make arrangements with hubby about visiting and family stuff. Luckily when I brought it up he realised I was right and began saying things when she called like 'I'll have to wait till Louise gets in and discuss it with her first ' so she wasn't able to control what was happening. In fact once he even asked her if she rang at that time on purpose and wouldn't she be better waiting until we were both in? :rotfl:

I think it's all in the way you point out your problem. Being confrontational or angry about the situation will get you nowhere. You need to tell her calmly how it makes you feel, i.e.: 'it upsets me when you let your mum treat me like that'....:(

Beware of sounding petty though, The takeaway situatiion does sound like you are being stubborn and deliberately thinking 'if I sit here and say nothing will they ask me what I want' The fact is, they do order you something so it's not like you're left out. If you want something different, pipe up and say so.

You could try making notes about incidents which happen, then when you do have a discussion, you have a reminder at hand instead of relying on things off the top of your head.

Good luck!

lessonlearned

i put up with something like this for 15 years.

Eventually one day when my MIL was being particularly obnoxious I just came straight out with it and said to her - "I get the impression that you don't like me very much, that you think I'm not good enough for your son".

I didn't shout, rant or rave, I said it quietly and with a smile. Her face was a picture - she was gobsmacked. She was so flustered it was several minutes before she could speak.

However, it did the trick - after that she was all sweetness and light, and from that day on treated with me with courtesy, respect and even admiration.

Do it gently, don't lose your temper or get upset, do it either with or without your wife being present, but whatever you do - do it sooner rather than later.

The longer you leave it the more disrespectful and disdainful she will be.

If her husband is content to put up with her behaviour then that's up to him. It's not for you to question the dynamics of their relationship.

However, how she treats you is up to you. People will treat us the way we let them treat us.

Big_Alf

sassyblue wrote: »

Secondly the above, who does your wife sound like?

THIS THIS THIS!!!!!

How often do you visit them? I’m seriously imagining that you and your wife are like Dave and Denise Royle and are sat round there every night.

You need to detach yourself and your wife from your in-laws, or you need to detach yourself from your wife. It sounds like you wife has complete control over you, why else would you visit you terrible MIL so often if you weren’t being forced to - you are/have become your father in law.

She obviously values her relationship with her parents more than her relationship with you, so you need to accept it and start finding ways to deal with it, or look for someone else who is going to always put you first (good luck with that!) which it sounds like you need.

I’m in the same boat. My wife told me from the start that her parents always came first, and I had to accept that if I wanted to marry her.

From an armchair psychologist point of view, I think the reason ‘takeaway-gate’ is becoming such a big issue is because it is all you have look forward to in life, and I can relate to this! We spent a week over new year with FIL (MIL sadly passed on xmas day) in a small town in the country side 800 miles away. There was less than nothing to do there so for me meal times became the only enjoyment in life. Needless to say FIL tastes very slightly from mine so I ended up having a few internal tantrums every time he cooked something not to my liking!

[FONT=&quot]Like others have commented you need to start enjoying life and going to places instead of MIL’s, with or WITHOUT the OH. Heck, if MIL is that bad why don't you impress the boss and stay late at work? Can’t be any worse can it?[/FONT]