Her mother is making me resentful

busiscoming2

First rule: Never slag off your partners parents, especially if they have a good relationship with them.

The problem is with your wife and her inability to confront the truth about how her mother treats you. Some people are Ostriches and just won't face things. You have to deicide whether you can live with someone like that.

Keith123

I understand that I need to stop looking at what other couples relationships are like, but I do know what mine should be like, and I should be with my wife not exploding when I want to tell her how I feel, and me not having to carry so much pain inside. The thought of having to put up and shut up to keep the peace between me and wifey for the rest of my life is not nice, but the thought of being without her is far worse

Miss_Havisham

You don't mention children so I assume there aren't any. If you do plan to have a family in the future I think you need to get this MIL/wife issue sorted, amicably if poss, before babies come along, as you would then move even further down the pecking order.

As I see it, you've got options:

1. Put up with it and "suffer in silence" - possible miserable marriage
2.Accept it as water off a duck's back, take a more laid-back approach and humorous way of dealing with MIL - save marriage, better relationship with in-laws
2. Confront the MIL and risk your marriage
3. Confront your wife and risk your marriage
4. No confrontation - end the marriage


Tough decision, I wish you well.

Miss H

Alikay

missprice wrote: »

you could spend a whole year not visiting the MiL and if your wife decided that all these things were too much you will have learned a lot
if she is away from her mother then mother cant exert influence
go for it start tonight/this weekend make an excuse and don't go and try to get your wife to go with you instead
If she decides to visit her Ma instead then just carry on about how Fabulous a time you had and the new people you met who invited you to a barbecue when the weather improves etc

Which is just as underhand and controlling as the OP's MIL's behaviour :cool:

missprice

Alikay wrote: »

Which is just as underhand and controlling as the OP's MIL's behaviour :cool:

yeah but it would be way more fun than sitting in MiL house and being ignored

DVardysShadow

Miss_Havisham wrote: »

As I see it, you've got options:

1. Put up with it and "suffer in silence" - possible miserable marriage
2.Accept it as water off a duck's back, take a more laid-back approach and humorous way of dealing with MIL - save marriage, better relationship with in-laws
3. Confront the MIL and risk your marriage
4. Confront your wife and risk your marriage
5. No confrontation - end the marriage


Tough decision, I wish you well.

Miss H

I would go with 3. OPs wife will not discuss the matter and throws a strop when OP discussed it with someone else. 2 does not really work for me, because it invoves treading a tightrope between an actual confrontation with MiL and submission to her and hiding it under good humour.

Just wait for the old girl to step out of line and say bluntly and directly "That was out of line and unacceptable" and leave it at that. And tell wife afterwards "I have had enough of it and if she won't behave and you won't discuss it, then you'll have to let me deal with it my way - and you'll have to get used to it from now on unless you are going to discuss"

Mojisola

Keith123 wrote: »

She once caught me talking about her mother with a friend and she basically said to me that if I ever did that again then we were finished.

I can deal with the MIL thing, but a husband should be able to tell his wife everything and anything, no matter how big or small there shouldn't be any secrets.

I love her and just want to be happy, but she knows instantly when something is up and I just have to make up some rubbish on the spot. I can't tell her how I really feel

I don't think your wife is really committed to your relationship - she's still putting being a daughter before being a wife.

A relationship where you can't be open with each other and talk about problems without issuing ultimatums will rarely last.

I would try counselling but unless your wife is willing to cut the ties with her mother, I wouldn't hold out much hope for your relationship.

aliasojo

Keith123 wrote: »

Or if we order a takeaway around their house her mother will ask my wife what she wants and completely forget to ask me.

How do you handle this at the moment?

Do you get food ordered for you? Or do you make a point of saying 'I'll have 'whatever'?

Just trying to get a feel for the lay of the land presently.

As others have said, the dynamics of the relationship between MIL & FIL is none of your business so don't ever bring that into any discussion with your wife.

Her Mother's rudeness is unacceptable however and I'd be inclined to go with DVardysShadow's thoughts.

How long have you been married/together?

Keith123

It either gets ordered for me or I just say I'll have whatever. It's important to understand that there a whole host of examples, but that is the first one I could think of and so the only one I have mentioned.
TBH I don't care how they chose to run their relationship, as long as mine doesn't follow suit. I would never bring it up in discussion, only how I am treated. We have been together nearly 10 years and married for 6

Acc72

Keith123 wrote: »

It either gets ordered for me or I just say I'll have whatever.

You therefore need to look at you own behaviour and make any necessary changes, before you expect others to change.

The above example is a case of "Keith will eat anything" or "Keith loves fried rice" or whatever, and as they have done this 100's of times over the last 10 years - and you have said nothing - then it is reasonable of them to assume that you want them to order for you.

If you want to change and want them to change, why not just tell them what you want the next time you order a takeaway ?

This might seem like a small example, but if you life is filled with dozens of these little examples then you can see how behaviour patterns develop.