Her mother is making me resentful

Keith123

Dear all,

I am starting to dislike my situation and I think the problem is my wife's parents. They do a lot for us and so it's become almost like they own us. Her mother is very controlling over what her and her father do. It's like a parent child relationship instead of a husband wife one. Her mother will often erupt at her father while we are there over completely insignificant things and make a big deal out of it. I can't prove it but I also think she has a very tight control over their finances as if he nips out to get something (like a pint of milk or a takeaway) while we are there then she always says "do you need me to give you some money". I should point out that he works and she doesn't so he brings all the money in. I also get the impression that he gets absolutely NO say in any of the decisions in their life, even down to minor ones like the colour of the new sofa or the car they buy etc. I think it's what you might call emotional domestic abuse? But neither my wife nor her sibling can see it, or if they can then they never talk about it.

Her mother obviously thinks this is the norm and treats us like we are in a similar relationship by never including me in important conversations. For example, if my wife and I have a problem with the neighbours for example and we discuss it round her parents house then instantly her mother will only include my wife in the conversation and I get left out. She laughs at me when I try and say that my opinion matters. This really frustrates me. She also forgets me all the time, for example if she might ask us to do her a favour, when we do it she will thank my wife but completely ignore the fact that I helped even though I am right there. Or if we order a takeaway around their house her mother will ask my wife what she wants and completely forget to ask me. There are dozens more examples but I can't remember them off the top of my head.

The problem is that I cannot discuss any of this with my wife. I have tried talking to her when I have thought her mother was being a bit rude to me but she gets upset and it turns into a my parents are better than yours row and my parents to do so much for us etc etc. Therefore I have to keep my feelings bottled up. This has made me resent my wife and her mother; my wife because I can't express my feelings to her, and her mother because she is in control and gets to partly say how my life is run.

I love everything about my wife and could never imagine life without her but I feel that I am slowly becoming emotionally detached from her, and I have sometimes thought that I might be better off on my own. This got to the point where I started checking her emails. Now I trust her fully but I was desperately trying to find some excuse for us to split up, like evidence of cheating etc.

I know that her parents really like me, but I hate how they make me feel (possibly unintentionally). I also know that if my wife starts acting like that with me then I am out the door without hesitation.

This needs fixing but I'm afraid that if I told her my true feelings then things will only get worse. I should have stamped this out straight away but I didn't and now I regret it.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer any advice?

Thanks,

Keith

fluffnutter

Your problem is your wife. Or more accurately, her unwillingness to discuss this without becoming hurt and defensive. Perhaps that's no surprise; she's a product of her mother's controlling behaviour after all and probably finds it incredibly difficult to view her mother with any detachment and so understand how this is affecting you and the marriage.

It's a difficult situation to tackle. Have you considered couples' counselling? If your wife is unwilling, you could always go alone.

One thing first though; search your soul to try to make sure that you're not just being over-sensitive. Other people's families are a mystery, even our inlaws, and sometimes we just have to put up with certain things.

BugglyB

How often do you see her parents? What exactly is the 'so much' that they do for you?

Does your father in law seem unhappy with the status quo? Whats your relationship like with him, can you go out for a beer?

CH27

How does your MIL get to partly say how your life is run?

shelley_crow

Hmm, it's a tough one. If you re-read your post and take out your sexes, she sounds like a mysogynistic man from the 1800s.

It's not healthy for you to bottle up your feelings, as you have found that it is starting to impact on the relationship with your wife.

I can see some elements of my own mother in your mother in law. She sounds like a complete and utter bully but she has raised a family of people who enable her behaviour by not standing up to her. As you say, YOU know that the dynamics are dysfunctional but your wife can't see it because that's all she's ever known.

Don't allow her to brush your comments aside, be assertive and let her know that you won't be treated like dirt. This will be hard and I have the feeling you have been holding back due to her being your mother in law. It won't make you popular with her family but you do need to take some of the power back. Good luck!

edit: when I confronted my own mother about her bevaiour, she resorted to making wild accusations/playing the "poor little me" card and/or shutting down completey and refusing to speak to me until I had apologised. As I said, you really do have your work cut out. Once you have asserted yourself, she may give you a wider berth or she might target you so that she doesn't lose her status in the family.

downsizer3

Could you write her a letter or email - you'd get your point over without interruption and a row? She'd read it through ( particularly if you were out or asked her to read before discussing it?0 - seems a shame not to try before it gets too bad and you get to a point of no return?

beenstung

Emigrate or at the very least, move to the other end of the country with your wife.

It doesn't sound as if your MIL or your wife are going to have a clear view of the situation unless there is real distance between your wife and her mother.

emsywoo123

OP, my ex could have written this about me and my parents.

Please take my post the right way BUT

In my case, I knew it was happening , but I always thought "what if we split, I might need their support"

Not saying that is the case with you. Just how it was for me.

Blackpool_Saver

Do they have financial control over you ?

Gigglepig

I'd try to separate how MIL is with FIL/and a general dislike for her personality from how she treats you directly.

Personally I'd stay well out of the relationship between the MIL and FIL and try not comment on their dynamics, since it is mainly their own business.

However, if MIL is rude to you directly I think it is completely reasonable to raise it. I'd firstly mention it to my OH and say it makes me uncomfortable, and then possibly just speak up to MIL.

Is your wife normally less outspoken/direct than you? That could explain why she does not speak up if MIL when MIL is rude to you. If MIL is rude to you and your wife does not defend you, I think it is ok for you to laugh her off or point out that you disagree with her comments, as long as you do it in a polite way.

To some extent it may be normal that your MIL and SIL focus on their daughter not you and direct most of their questions and attention to her. This does not necessarily mean that they imply you have no say, but that they are mainly interested in her. It is a shame they behave this way because it won't make you feel part of the family...

Another possibility is to reduce the time spent with MIL. Next time you go and see the in laws, take FIL out for some fun while MIL gets some alone time with her daughter?

If it is any comfort, you're not the only person who feels like this about your MIL... Some outrageous stories on this website :
http://dilsisterhood.com/

Marisco

emsywoo123 wrote: »

OP, my ex could have written this about me and my parents.

Please take my post the right way BUT

In my case, I knew it was happening , but I always thought "what if we split, I might need their support"

Not saying that is the case with you. Just how it was for me.

So how did you (or didn't?) resolve it? Surely a partner/husband/wife comes before parents?? If the op doesn't resolve it sharp quick, his wife might turn out just like her mother!!:eek: