Her mother is making me resentful

daska

My exMIL was like that and so was my mother. TBH one day I just told her straight out she was the rudest person I knew and then I just refused to go round to my in-laws until my ex was prepared to back me up. If they came round to visit I went out. I'd be civil if we bumped into each other but if she ignored me or was rude I pointed out what she was doing and walked away. It possibly wasn't the best way to handle it but it worked for me LOL. It resolved itself when DS1 was born, she was so desperate to be included that she suddenly turned into a 'nice' person - well, no, not really, she was still a lying, evil, witch (and I don't use the description 'evil' lightly) but at least she wasn't rude to my face.

heretolearn_2

How they run their household is their business. If FIL doesn't like it, it's his problem to tackle. Presumably he's happy enough with things this way. So ignore all that - it doesn't effect you.

Why do you and your wife discuss your problems round someone elses house? If you can agree with your wife that you'll start dealing with your problems yourself, and not involving other people, (no need to point out just her parents) that might ease a lot of your annoyance.

On being ignored - I'd let them go ahead and order that Chinese without getting me anything, then when it arrives dive in and take most of theirs - if it gets portioned out in the kitchen without you just take wifey's plate, thanks love that looks delicious - and eat it. Oh? There aren't enough plates of food for everyone? How ever did that happen? They'll get the message.

Alikay

Your In laws sound very much like my parents. My mum has also attempted in the past to control my DH via me, but luckily I noticed immediately. One thing I do NOT want is a marriage like my parents' even though theirs lasted 40 years until my dad's death! Basically it was up to me as their daughter to put a stop to it though: We tried to be as independent as possible and kept babysitting, accepting cash etc to a minimum. Instead of always accepting invites to join them for meals, outings etc we made a point of offering them invites too: Still basically the same outcome i.e. spending time together, but the balance of power is different! Mum still tries to take over; often kindly, via offers of help etc, but sometimes in a more domineering fashion. Again, I have to be gentle but firm. I do see my mum quite a bit without DH, and I do allow her to take a slightly more "parent/child" role with me, as I can let it go more easily, and she's slowly learned to accept that I'm an independent adult...I'm 51 btw!

I also never criticise DH to my mum, even when he's really p'd me off! Again, difficult as mum and I are very close, but to have even the slightest whinge would be lethal as it would get dragged up in the future and used as a stick to beat him with.

I think you've got to let your wife know how it makes you feel OP, and get her on board with sidestepping her mother's controlling behavour.

antw23uk

Turn it into a game and have some fun, she wont change and it seems a shame to fall out with your wife over it. There are plenty of other things to do before you decide going to her parents is a good idea so maybe concentrate on you and your wifes life, get some hobbies, plan some nice days out when you would usually go to her parents etc

My MIL is a nightmare for details i wont go into but i just play the 'wind her up' game now. I do not tolerate her behaviour and i pull her up on it, she HATES it but i just laugh and tell her i think the world of her but she is nuts ... She hates that even more :rotfl:

Keith123

Thank you all for the comments

@BugglyB and CH27 - I wish to remain anonymous as possible and so I will not be elaborating on this.
@Blackpool_saver - Thankgod no they do not
@Gigglepig - Yes she is much less outspoken than me and I guess that explains it.

To be honest though MIL is not the main problem here, as fluffnutter pointed out, the main problem is with my wife. I have gone round and round in circles wondering whether or not I am being over-sensitive. Whether I am or not I don't care, at the end of the day I shouldn't have to keep how I feel bottled up just to satisfy my wife, and the main problem is that I cannot discuss how I feel.

She once caught me talking about her mother with a friend and she basically said to me that if I ever did that again then we were finished. @downsizer3 - This is why I can't leave her a letter or email and @daska - this is why I can't have it out with the MIL. This is also why I am praying to got that no one involved reads this or is aware of identities. It would be marriage over in a shot. I can deal with the MIL thing, but a husband should be able to tell his wife everything and anything, no matter how big or small there shouldn't be any secrets. It makes me sad because I look around at other couples and they tell each other everything. I think the fact that I can't do this has led to some emotional detachment from her. I love her and just want to be happy, but she knows instantly when something is up and I just have to make up some rubbish on the spot. I can't tell her how I really feel

shelley_crow

heretolearn wrote: »

Why do you and your wife discuss your problems round someone elses house? If you can agree with your wife that you'll start dealing with your problems yourself, and not involving other people, (no need to point out just her parents) that might ease a lot of your annoyance.
.

Definitely agree with this, my MIL is a lovely woman but once my OH was feeling a bit emotional around there and her face practically it up. She does like knowing the ins and outs of everything and she's in no way malicious. I felt so uncomfortable though, I wouldn't discuss anything personal in front of anyone else

downsizer3

I suppose the question then really is, that if you can't talk to your wife - is this the marriage you really want? Bringing it up may well cause a row - but better to have tried than carry on until you can take no more?

bluenoseam

Like others have said, your wifes parents business is their business, however in your home it's you & your wifes rules as to how the game is played - and by the sounds of things, your wife is very happy to have her Mother's rules in place! You need to explain to your wife it's not a case of better or worse, but ultimately you feel your MiL is undermining your position as an equal partner in the marriage & that you feel this is unacceptable.

Ultimately the marriage is you & your wife - the MiL/FiL element is a non-entity and that's all that's in it, yes it's important to maintain a relationship with the in-laws however ultimately it's YOUR life and your opinion counts, the in-laws opinions while consultable are not what counts! By the sounds of it your wife is unwilling to listen to you as her mother has programed her to be a dominant matriarch character with your role simply to abide by her edicts.

antw23uk

I disagree about the husband should be able to tell his wife anything and everything ... Well you can but not about her mother :eek: Dear god man, this is in the rule book .. don't you have a copy?

Seriously though i think you need to stop 'looking round at other couples' because thats absolutley no way to decide how your relationship should be. You would be suprised by how people live and its not always rosy and sparkly like they portait so seriously .. get that little gem out of your head please.

You need to tell her how YOU feel and not how you feel about her mother .. there is a difference but i cant help thinking there is an underlying issue here and this MIL issue is just a small part of it!

missprice

antw23uk wrote: »

Turn it into a game and have some fun, she wont change and it seems a shame to fall out with your wife over it. There are plenty of other things to do before you decide going to her parents is a good idea so maybe concentrate on you and your wifes life, get some hobbies, plan some nice days out when you would usually go to her parents etc

Have to admit I would go down this route the make it into a game of avoiding the MiL at all costs
I would say darling no I know instead of going to your Ma tonight hows about we go
ice skating
skiing
to the park
pick a museum
picnic
mountain biking
off roading
swimming
horse riding
the pub
the theatre
the cinema
bowling
running
collecting for a charity
lets do this free crafts course at the local college
lets join a sports club


blah blah

honest you could spend a whole year not visiting the MiL and if your wife decided that all these things were too much you will have learned a lot
if she is away from her mother then mother cant exert influence
go for it start tonight/this weekend make an excuse and don't go and try to get your wife to go with you instead
If she decides to visit her Ma instead then just carry on about how Fabulous a time you had and the new people you met who invited you to a barbecue when the weather improves etc