Please give honest opinion...if you think we are being unfair please say

jacci45

hi all,

im after your opinions really as im too involved in the situation to be objective i think.

firstly please forgive lack of capitals, i had a tumour,benign, removed from a bone in my wrist last week so typing with one finger!

anyway, where to begin.....we have 2 sons,one 20 lives at home and the other 23 lives with his fiancee.he also has a 21 mth old daughter who he has every weekend.

he has a well paid job and his girlie works fulltime as well but they are rubbish at money....if you see my sig maybe he gets it from me but i was never in debt when our children were young...i got in debt when i went back to work funnily enough. He is worried ,actually thats wrong he doesnt seem concerned at all,he came round last night to say his manager had called him in to advise him he isnt totally fulfilling all his duties in his current role.they will not sack him but if things dont change he will lose his managers position and go back to the position he had before.this would mean a drop in pay of about 4500. his fiancee has just changed jobs and her wages are going to increase by 3000.

he reckons he is better to offer to go back to his previous role rather than be demoted and because he wont be able to afford to keep his flat going wants to come back home.the lease is due for renewal 26/2. are we wrong in not wanting him to come back? we love him and our grandaughter dearly but when he lived at home the weekends were just not ours, we had,him,gorgeous baby girl and his fiancee in the house all weekend and it got to the stage where we didnt feel comfy in our own home so kept having to go out and our younger son felt the same. personally i dont thinks its fair on his daughter to leave her albeit weekend home to go to sharing a room with her dad and i also think its down to him to provide a roof over his own childs head, his fiancee is very upset as she thinks its the beginning of the end of their relationship.i mentioned to him about cutting down on things or maybe getting a second job but that didnt seem to appeal.

he says this is the first time he has ever done something for himself....dont understand that one to be honest but he is not thinking of the repercussions to his child,fiancee or us and his brother....he just keeps saying he will make it all as easy as possible for us.

being sceptical i think maybe he does want his relationship to end and this is his way of doing it.....my hubby says he just needs to concentrate on doing his job properly and then he wont need to return but he is very stubborn and seems to have made his mind up although if we tell him he cant move back i dont know what he will do.......

the other thing is due to the fragility of my arm hubby is sleeping in spare room at the mo and will be till middle march when i have my follow up and definitive diagnosis so he hasnt got a room to go to anyway...he just said thats fine i will sleep on sofa but he is forgetting where will his little girl go.

its not been the best of years so far with my heath issues but im more worried about this situation then i was when i was told tumour was probably malignant....as i say i just need someones honest opinion,if you think we are being harsh please say.....sorry this has been such a long post...

Jezminda

Personally I'd just say no. You have to think of yourself, especially your own health, and it sounds like him coming back would be detrimental to your well being, physically and mentally. Explain that you just can't right now.

jacci45

thanx for that jezminda its just this parental guilt!!

Person_one

I don't think you're being unfair, if he was asking you for a last resort and the alternative was homelessness then that would be different but he has options at the moment.

It would be madness for him to step down to his old role, what he really should do is arrange to meet with his bosses and come up with a plan to improve to meet their expectations in his current role.

tea_lover

Could he not start pulling his weight at work so he doesn't lose the money in the first place? Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it sounds like he's been given ample warning and opportunity to do something about it. Seems like he'd rather take the easier options all round and make it your problem instead of his.

Fwiw, I don't think you're being unfair at all. He's a grown man and homing himself (and his daughter when she's with him) is his responsibility.

shellsuit

Your head is saying No, but your heart is saying Yes, which is the trouble I'd have too.

He's not a child, he's a Father who needs to put his child's welfare above and beyond what he wants.

Good luck in telling him

durham_girl

I think you're being very reasonable. At his age he should be able to take care of himself and his daughter without running home to you when the going gets tough. I would suggest inviting him over for tea one day without his fiance or daughter and calmly explaining the reasons why he can't stay.

He seems to be being a bit pessimistic though, all that happened was the boss had a little word with him!

neneromanova

If it was me, I'd tell him where to go. He needs to grow up and act his age. If he doesn't want to be with his fiancee then he needs to tell her and not string her along.

elsien

He may be your son but he's also an adult with responsibilities. He chose to have a child with all that that involves and if he wishes he has the means to do something about his situation and either start doing his job properly or get a second job. I'd say no to him as well, however difficult the conversation might be.
There are times when you need to put yourself first, and this sounds like one of them.

pinkclouds

I'm sorry for your difficult situation and hope your arm recovers sooner rather than later.

All I can say is what I *think* I might do... If son isn't able to secure accommodation on his reduced income then I would have him back home - on his own. (Grandchild is obviously welcome too, on access weekend visits - I assume she is his from a former relationship?) However, fiancee has to go to her own parents' home. There isn't enough space for both of them, for many reasons - not least of which are your health issues and your grandchild. If this relationship is leading altar-wards, then the separation should be enough to incentivise them to regain financial stability and afford a new home.

Present it simply as the factual truth. And don't worry about grandchild - at 21 months, she will be happy either in a portable travel cot or snuggled in with daddy or you. She's still a baby really and won't notice anything wrong - except your arm but you can reassure her about that.

pinkshoes

Why can't he move to a cheaper property once the lease is up?

Why not take him out for a drink (without his fiancee) and ask him if everything is all right between the two of them? Sounds like he could be looking for a get out clause but doesn't want to have to tell her! No offence, but a child from a different relationship AND engaged by 23 indicates he might have a tendancy to rush into things.

Ultimately, you do not have space for him and his daughter, so the answer has to be no.