"poverty mentality"

Byatt

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

But I do! I don't wear jeans, but I'll continue to wear clothes that are worn out and don't fit me anymore until I go mad. I had a winter coat that was really old and fraying, I was practically in tears at one point because I felt like such a tramp in it but I couldn't bring myself to buy a new one. I finally bought a new one in the autumn but only because it was only £15. My old work shoes somehow split across the bottom, both of them, and I wore them like that for ages even though they embarassed me. I might be facing the same problem soon with my non-work skirt, it's so old it's wearing thin and sort of going see-through. I've been wearing it every weekend for the last 10 years I think. I only have the one because having more than one seems wasteful and vain again.

That's why I was surprised when everyone said they disagree with the "poverty mentality", because it is affecting me. Other people are probably more normal than me though

No, people are not "more normal" than you. We all have our own "normal" . Neither more or worse than anyone person. I noticed your user name, and I assume you are an Aspie. Do you think you could compromise on buying something from a charity shop or even in some of the sales on line right now. What is it that's actually stopping you from buying something? Can you write down your thoughts or do a visual picture (can't think what they are called now, when you write down ideas but use a chart like drawing, "brain storming". ) What do you think will happen if you buy something new; what makes your so fearful?

I think you can only do this a step at a time. You are not being wasteful and vain, but me telling you that isn't going to change how you feel. Have you always felt this way?

mishmogs

quintwins wrote: »

:A

i wouldn't say anything and leave it as it is, you only know what her situation acually is only what she has told you and she could be trying to keep up appearances, short of seeing her bank statement you can't know she has enough money, maybe someone bought her gift vouchers or gave her money for xmas and insisted she spent it on herself. if she is well off karma is a good thing and all will come good one day, that goes for you aswell

Yep I think you are right. I will keep quiet. Thanks for responding.

Living_proof

You know I think these hoarding, over-scrimping tendencies come with hormone changes. I can see myself becoming like my mother - saving bits of string, bags, all those 'might come in useful' items but her generation had the excuse of having lived through the war. Maybe their way of constantly reinforcing this message in their children has won through. I find myself re-using the bits of green wire I tie up freezer bags with. Keeping candles which have died an early death, even slivers of soap, meaning eventually to make new candles or laundry gloop. I suspect I am going too far and I can't get myself to buy any new clothes - they have to be from CSs or CBSs.

I have though ordered myself a shiny new bright red laptop at vast expense. I work from home and don't find it relaxing to look at this or other sites at my desk at this time of night, and I always worry that I might not have a job one day and would be lost without a means to communicate with the world out there. I think the whole condition stems from insecurity and lack of confidence in the future. I will have to work on this and get my priorities sorted.

lostinrates

Byatt wrote: »

No, people are not "more normal" than you. We all have our own "normal" . Neither more or worse than anyone person. I noticed your user name, and I assume you are an Aspie. Do you think you could compromise on buying something from a charity shop or even in some of the sales on line right now. What is it that's actually stopping you from buying something? Can you write down your thoughts or do a visual picture (can't think what they are called now, when you write down ideas but use a chart like drawing, "brain storming". ) What do you think will happen if you buy something new; what makes your so fearful?

I think you can only do this a step at a time. You are not being wasteful and vain, but me telling you that isn't going to change how you feel. Have you always felt this way?

Heartly agree.....no one is normal. Normal is average, which is simple a line on graph in the middle of our oddities and extremes. No one should feel bad for being different.

Justamum

LittleMissAspie wrote: »

I tried to see things from an MSE point of view, and I can imagine people beaming with pride over their mended bra, happy about saving £20. But I can't get into that mindset, I can only feel that I'm too worthless to spend £20 on.

Then I get confused because I want to have nice things but buying new things is bad and wasteful and selfish. And I just get so confused about what the right thing to do is, and I feel terrible if I continue to make do with my old trampy clothes that I'm embarassed to be seen in but I also feel terrible if I waste money on new ones and I just don't know what to do.

You sound like me

VJsmum

Byatt wrote: »

Can you write down your thoughts or do a visual picture (can't think what they are called now, when you write down ideas but use a chart like drawing, "brain storming". ) What do you think will happen if you buy something new; what makes your so fearful?

Do you mean "mindmapping"?

My OH can look like a tramp as well. He will spend money on books and CD's but can't seem to spend on clothes. I bought him a lovely shirt from M&S for christmas and he said it would be too small. Rather than going and exchanging it for any other shirt, he just got a refund :mad: I don't know what it is, his shabby old coat he's had for about 15 years - it is just awful but he insists on wearing it. MIL says I should throw it, but I'm not sure what his reaction would be.:eek:

Byatt

VJsmum wrote: »

Do you mean "mindmapping"?

Yes! Thank you.

BitterAndTwisted

If there was one person in the world who sounds like they need to prise a fiver out of their bank account and spend it on something absolutely necessary "because you're worth it" it's Miss Aspie.

Buying a much needed new bra or a new-to-you skirt from a charity shop will not make the sky fall in. It might feel like it would, but it won't. They won't be wasted and will make you feel nicer and prettier. They will be an investment in yourself. You ARE worth it. We all are if we need them can spare the money. You sound like you can, so do it

gallygirl

VJsmum wrote: »

My OH can look like a tramp as well. He will spend money on books and CD's but can't seem to spend on clothes. I bought him a lovely shirt from M&S for christmas and he said it would be too small. Rather than going and exchanging it for any other shirt, he just got a refund :mad: I don't know what it is, his shabby old coat he's had for about 15 years - it is just awful but he insists on wearing it. MIL says I should throw it, but I'm not sure what his reaction would be.:eek:

Em, hello............ Can I have my OH back please, you seem to have acquired him :rotfl:

valk_scot

I personally don't think of being thrifty as part of the poverty mindset. Using up leftovers, meal planning, using every last scrap out the shampoo bottle, not impulse buying, reusing your plastic bags/whatever, buying better quality clothes from a cheaper source and them making them last by looking after them? None of this will affect your lifestyle, sense of self worth or give you the so called poverty mentality, but it will help your bank balance greatly and also is sensible environmentally. Reducing wastage is not a sign of poverty after all.

However once it gets to the point of needlessly setting your lifestyle level to an uncomfortably low level just to save money while you've got plenty in the bank already, there's a problem. Yes it can be because of childhood influences or later traumatic events or because of self esteem issues currently, but still a problem. People will have individual perceptions as to where the boundary lies, of course, to a certain extent. Mine would be somewhere along the lines of cutting the nutritional levels in your diet to unacceptably unhealthy levels when you didn't have to, or not buying a bra when the one you own had almost disintegrated, yup! On the other hand I'm not so convinced wearing clothes till they wear out is such a bad thing, as long as they're clean, mended, tidy and weatherproof. As I say, we all have our own perceptions of where the line lies, which is why there's some interesting debates on here sometimes!

This has been one of these interesting debates, actually. I don't know about anyone else but it has made me think about a couple of things I do in my own lifestyle and ask myself if they're really necessary? Or am I tipping over the edge from self sufficiency to self denial? On the other hand, there are still a couple of sloppy habits that I could do with tightening up on, lol! Maybe it's time for a spring clean of my Old Style repertoire?