Our DMP Adventure or We Don't Have a Clue!

BlushingRose

I feel in part that I haven't been heard properly as I was very hurt and instead of being able to deal with it with him properly, it changed into him being hurt and saying that he wouldn't do the thing at all...which isn't want I was saying, I'd just wanted him not to assume that I didn't want to do it. I ended up saying that I wished I hadn't said anything, feeling in the wrong.

wannabee_in_credit

That my dear, is a classic example of someone who cannot take responsibility for their own feelings... I've seen it a million times and it happens with me and OH. He does something to upset me - I tell him about it and somehow it ends up being my fault and me that's all wrong, and him the one that's hurt and upset. The truth is Mr BR has upset you but can't or won't accept responsibility for it so he's turned it around to make you feel like the bad b*gger in all of it.
Makes me angry, but a fairly typical male response - I have 2 ways of dealing with it when talking to him doesn't work.
1. Ignore it and eventually I feel better, but it gets stored for future arguments.
2. Write it in a letter, and don't make it about him and what he did to you, but his behaviour and how it made you feel. Normally this goes down well if you massage the ego on the way 'I know you're stressed and times are hard, and we will get through it together, but you made me feel like my opinion wasn't important, etc. I know you didn't mean to make me feel like this but I still feel there are a couple of things I need to say.' etc.
Not, 'You're a b'stard, you don't give two hoots'.
I find this works short term for OH then he slips again and needs an occasional reminder.
Remember, take control of the things you can and let go of the things you can't. You can't control his behaviour - just your responses to it.
x

miggy

That makes good sense wannabee_in_credit. I really like your letter (both versions though the second one kind of has a lot of appeal ).

I remember from somewhere that we are supposed to deal with these things with 'I' messages. 'I feel hurt', 'I was upset' etc. rather than 'you' messages ('you made me feel hurt') because that takes the accusation out of it and makes it easier for the other person to accept and maybe change.

Here's hoping for a better day today Rose. You deserve a bit of sunshine for a change!

BlushingRose

Yeah, I do use the 'I' method and the things is that we're very good at communicating. The problem is that, from a vocab point of view, he's better at it and his use of words can turn things round if I'm not careful. I think one of the reasons that I'm so bothered is that after the length of time we've been together, I'd thought he was different from other men, but it seems that no, he's the same.

wannabee_in_credit

They're all the same - they do have half a chromosome missing after all
Don't think that because he can use bigger words that he's somehow smarter or cleverer, just means he can use a big word.

BlushingRose

I don;t know what happening to us...

Tonight I suddenly felt really anxious, sad and doom-laden and started to cry. He held me me, let me cry and I couldn't explain what was wrong cos I didn't/don't rightly know.
Once I'd calmed down a bit though, he's holding his eyes and I ask if he's ok, and he says, he's worried about me, work, money, everything - and all I could think was - this was about me but you've turned it onto you again.
Am I just being a selfish moo?

Shovel_Lad

BlushingRose wrote: »

I don;t know what happening to us...

Tonight I suddenly felt really anxious, sad and doom-laden and started to cry. He held me me, let me cry and I couldn't explain what was wrong cos I didn't/don't rightly know.
Once I'd calmed down a bit though, he's holding his eyes and I ask if he's ok, and he says, he's worried about me, work, money, everything - and all I could think was - this was about me but you've turned it onto you again.
Am I just being a selfish moo?

(Another stalker here)

Possibly.
He's worried about you as well as money, work, everything.
Give him a break.
Please

miggy

Maybe you're both overstretched? As Wannabee says, long words are only that... the problem from your point of view is that things keep going back to being about him and really you need to be heard too.

Nobody's perfect, but this habit of his is raising its head at a bad time...

Is there anyone you can really talk to outside your relationship? If so you might get emotional support there, though it would have to be the right person.

{{hugs}}

BlushingRose

Thanks folks, and hello Shovel - nice to get a male perspective too.

We just feel 'wrong' atm and I don;t know what to do to get us back.



On a different note, how do you guys do your shopping (huge change of subject there, I know). We've been tending to do a massive shop when we've been paid and then go 'bits' as and when What's making me ask of that the 'bits' tend to be anything from £20 to £40 and I'm wondering if this is the right way to go about things.

Oh, and today is weigh in day - I *really* hope I've lost this week as I've had two weeks of gains and I'm not sure I could cope with the third.

wannabee_in_credit

Good luck with the weigh in today BR.
As for shopping we go once a week to Ald! and then one of the others to top up (t3sco today) and that's it. The only thing we ever normall need during the week is milk and that's not usually every week. I find if I go for 'bits' then I can quite easily rack up another ten or twenty quid without thinking. Bearing in mind our weekly shop is normally about £50 then that's loads more.
I don't know what to say about you and Mr BR, as shovel says he will be worried about you too, but I still don't quite agree that he needs a break - you need support as well (otherwise you end up like me). I think he needs to try and give you some support. Trouble is that if you're the 'strong one' all of the time, they don't know what to do when you're not coping, so it makes them feel worse. You're both in the same situation so you need to help each other, not just you having to sort him out all of the time.