Parents, honestly!

Blue_Elephant

Thanks Valli, that really made me smile. Could I ask what you think is "reasonable"? I'd rather pay more in a fixed amount than just pay what I'm paying and constantly top up?

Bennifred

Look on the bright side, Blue Elephant. There is obviously a lot of slack that your parents could take up financially if they ever need to - if and when you move out! So even though they use the small amount (imho) you do give them, they'd be able to make that up with relatively small adjustments.

For comparison: my adult children give me £50 each towards food and bills, as they are recent graduates/on minimum wage/paying off debts. So they are paying no rent, like you. It doesn't matter whether your parents have paid off their mortgage or not - you are still living rent-free.

thegirlintheattic

OP It really is simple - if you don't like the rules move out. You will struggle to find somewhere where rent, bills and food adds up to £45 a week.

VfM4meplse

I don't think there is any answer to what is reasonable as it could be based on a percentage of your earnings (finite), your household's perceived need (infinite) or any model in between! Tbh there is little point in asking if all your parents are going to do is increase their financial demands on you. You would be better off paying what you are, and then topping up a separate pot for the big unavoidables in life, eg for plumbers fees, when the boiler needs replacing etc.

If your parents have accepted that you are not going to look to them for support in getting married you do need to move out as soon as is financially practicable, regardless of what their network thinks. Your parents then may finally start treating you like the adult you are.

margaretclare

I find myself in two minds about this.

I must make my position clear: I don't 'do' multiculturalism, so arguments like 'Indian girls don't smoke' cuts no ice with me. Smoking is bad, full stop. If you'd seen as much ill-health, disability, premature death and the whole shebang as I have, you'd know why I say that. My house has been a no-smoking zone ever since we came back from my first husband's funeral and that's nearly 20 years ago now. Anyone who visited, they want to smoke, go outside to do it. I don't care if it's snowing. Even in the last months of his life he didn't smoke in my presence, but I know darned well that he smoked the minute I went to work, because I found fag-ends in the garden.

That means I could not live with smokers, in a smoky atmosphere, inhaling someone else's smoke. No way.

However, I've also lived in a multi-generational household at times, and this has always been difficult. I lean towards those who say 'their house, their rules'.

Now the MSE aspect. Spending £50 a week out of JSA on smoking???? Not what JSA is for. It's meant to keep body and soul together while you look for another job. DH and I have always found that looking for a job is almost a full-time job in itself, never mind watching daytime TV all day!

At the times when I had no job I pared everything down to the bone, had a strict budget and certainly wouldn't have had the spare money to smoke, even if it had been my habit! Just been talking to my eldest GD who lives on her own in a flat - she has the same attitude. Essentials first, and she includes in that, food for her dog.

However, I don't know what you can do about it. You have my sympathies.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Blue_Elephant wrote: »

I'm currently paying £45 per week to include bills and food. At the moment they haven't decided how much, they just want me to pay some of the bills on top.

You have a smart head on your shoulders, which will stand you in great stead when you get your own place. You seem to know all about budgeting and being sensible with your finances.

So see the situation you are in now for what it is and dont stress over your parents short fallings with their own budgeting. The amount you pay your parents at the moment is tiny in comparison to what it would cost you to rent, cover all bills and feed and clothe yourself etc. Even if you do pay a bit more to cover some extra bills you are still in a win, win sitaution with regards to saving up for your own place.

When you have saved enough for a decent deposit on a place buy somewhere, move out and enjoy living your way. In the meantime stay on the right side of them and bide your time is my advice.

Blue_Elephant

MargaretClare - The only reason I pointed out the "indian girls don't smoke" thing was because it was suggested that Dad and I quit together, and I was stating why this wasn't possible. I'm not really sure what you mean about not "doing" multiculturalism. It just means more than one culture living side by side, in harmony. My parents not knowing that I smoke has no effect on anyone else but me. You have my sympathies for having gone through such a terrible experience and I understand why you won't have smokers in the house. For the record, I won't smoke in the house - mine or anyone elses. Also even in the snow However it would be hypocritical of me to move out of my parents just because my dad does smoke in his house that he has worked for. My niggle regarding that was the open windows and the heating on full.

As for the £50 a week out of JSA on smoking, I'm not defending him, but my parents' finances have always been pooled - both wages go in the bank, mum gives him his £50 ( or whatever it used to be) for cigs. Including when he worked 14 hour night shifts in the mills (and earning a lot of money as a result) so that mum could work days and we'd have childcare and was able to take his parents to any medical appointments they needed.

I doubt he watches daytime TV all day either, but even job hunters need a break! My Dad doesn't really know how to "do" unemployed, he's not had a great deal of experience, and it's early days. I going to go with an earlier commenter and cut him a bit of slack.

I am grateful that they don't *have* to pare everything down to the bone, I am just worried for the fututre, theirs and mine in that if I feel they rely on me I won't do what's best for me. If they made better choices they would be able to have a much better lifestyle for a lot less cash :S


I think I'm going to go for an amalgamation of the advice offered here. I am going to suggest to mum that I raise the rent to £55 per week, and put another £15 per week into a cashbox so when mum asks it's there and I've already budgeted for it and so won't feel put out if that makes sense? In the meantime I'll try to be subtle. What do you all think?

Blue_Elephant

Just also wanted to say Thank you all for your input. Just writing all this down and having your opinions has made me realise that it's not just the fact that mum's asking for more money that bothers me, it's more that the haphazardness of it throws my budgeting out of kilter, so if I plan to give them more, I won't be as annoyed if that makes sense?

I think the other thing is, I got myself into a bit of financial trouble when I was younger, at uni, on my own for the first time and I didn't take their advice. So much so it got really bad, hiding bills under the bed and all sorts. I was also too proud to ask for help (must run in the family :P) and ended up even worse off. I've worked really hard to put it right. I have a small amount of debt, but I also have cash flow which is amazing. I've been a member here for a while, posting for less time, and through folk like yourselves have learnt, and am still learning so much and it's hard for me that they won't listen to what I now see as common sense. I forgot it took some time to drill that "common sense" into my head. And I still make mistakes.

Thank you again.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm sure you'll work this out, but, TBH, even if you are saving for your own place, the amount you are offering to pay still seems rather low.

To give an idea, I'll suggest the amount that a Housing Association might charge for a home. So, less than a mortgage on the current value of the property, significantly below market rent rate, but not as low as a local authority home.

£400 a month. A tenant paying that would also have to pay council tax (around £75) plus all the other bills on top.


It's up to them how much they spend of it, what they spend it on, but it's ample for 3 adults to live well on.


After all, they went without a lot - like time together - to ensure that you didn't miss out, they bought their house, they have cars and have always worked and are debt free. So they can't be that daft, and I would not be impressed if my daughter were to tell me what I could or couldn't have - I've spent long enough going without because I had no choice to decide what I want for myself.

And if that included sticking the heating on 30 whilst leaving the door open so I didn't feel the cold as I watched the snow fall, wearing nothing more than a bikini, that would be my choice.


If they won't accept the amount if you mention it, just stick half of it in a tin in the kitchen and they can help themselves when needed.


Being stubborn is common to all cultures

Person_one

margaretclare wrote: »

I must make my position clear: I don't 'do' multiculturalism

How arrogant, and strange.

I'm afraid it doesn't really matter whether you 'do' multiculturalism or not, other cultures besides yours will continue to exist regardless of your approval or acknowledgment.