Absolutely mortified....how could she do this and why?*update*

teabag29

I really could not live with myself if she went into care, i just know I couldnt. I lost her once before as i mentioned when she was a toddler due to her father abusing her brother (he shook him) and was violent to me but he wouldnt admit it and he lied and told everyone it was me, therefore dd had to go and live with my mum and i could only have supervised contact until the investigation was complete. He didnt admit guilt until the very end (a year later) to get a lighter sentence by which time the damage had been done and this i where i suspect the attachment disorder (if thats what it is) started.

I dont know how i got through that year, i sunk so low i didnt ever see a happy ending. The pain of losing a child...well nothing compares to it. I could never give up on her again and id be too afraid to write a letter stating i will put her into care incase they call my bluff and come and take her. I could never live with myself. As bad as she is now i believe given the right help she can progress but without the 1 constant person who is always there for her (me) she will feel like evryone has let her down and she will go off the rails and beyond help i just know it, it will mess her head up. She goes crazy when routine is messed up, i couldnt do that to her. Although what ive told u describes a very messed up child, she does have another side to her that is the most loving girl who loves to help and make you laugh and just wants to be normal. How could i turn my back on her like everyone else has done.....the answer is I could never.

RAS

teabag

Your DDs' reading and writing age are irrelevent in this. She is obviously highly intelligent and thoughtful as demonstrated by her ability to create such massive and coherent fictions and to manipulate people so effectively. She chose to cause havoc for her brother by picking the thing that would cause him most problems at school and most distress. She has chosen to make the worst possible accusations about you, knowing that they are all lies.

Your have 4 children, three of whose lives are being devastated by the actions of the fourth. They need your support as much as DD.

You need to go nuclear. Advise SS that you are not prepared to have DD remain in your household when she causes so much havoc for the other 4 people in the home. She needs to learn that there are serious consequences for behaving so badly.

I do not think that you will be able to get the support she needs any other way.

RAS

teabag29 wrote: »

I could never live with myself. As bad as she is now i believe given the right help she can progress but without the 1 constant person who is always there for her (me) she will feel like evryone has let her down and she will go off the rails and beyond help i just know it, it will mess her head up. She goes crazy when routine is messed up, i couldnt do that to her. Although what ive told u describes a very messed up child, she does have another side to her that is the most loving girl who loves to help and make you laugh and just wants to be normal. How could i turn my back on her like everyone else has done.....the answer is I could never.

You would not be turning your back on her. You would be ensuring that she gets the help she needs.

Right now she knows that she has you in a bind. She will push and push and her behaviour will get worse and worse until you say stop. Their will be a crisis, but neither you or the other children can go on like this.

Edit - you also need to get some help to resolve the feelings that you have about what happened. Whilst these are still in the air, DD knows that she can wreck your lives and get away with it.

She may not be academically successful but she is bright.

teabag29

I know what you are saying and im tring my best to give as much time as i can to the others, i know its not enough. But if it is attachemnt disorder as i suspect it may well be then separating her from me again will have serious effects on her mental health, it will ruin any progress ive tried to make and any trust she has built up in me. Not to mention it will destroy me and the other children who will lose their sister. What can socail services do that I havent tried, how will that help her?

RAS

teabag29 wrote: »

dd found it all highly amusing, when she came in and saw them sitting on sofa she smirked at me again.

teabag.

She has you exactly where she wants you - on the run.

She said the most appalling things about you and DS and all that happened is that some very nice people told her very nicely that she must not do this again!

She also wasted a huge amount of police and social workers time and no-one advised her that make false allegations and wasting police time can lead to a prison sentence if you are an adult?

My hunch is that when she was little she was angry about being separated from you, she may even have been led to believe that the reason she was in care was because of you.

Given the desparation and "guilt" (not sure that is the right word but plainly this still really hurts you) you still seem to feel, I suspect that when she was allowed to live with you again, you tried to make up for it and also were very very frightened of disciplining her in the way that mothers would normally discpline a child of that age (I am not talking about smacking) in case you lost her again?

So she has learned that she can behave really badly and get away with it. And she will keep pushing and pushing until you say stop.

thunderbird

I echo the comments admiring how you have coped so far with this, I can't imagine how hard it must be.

One thing that stuck out thought was -

teabag29 wrote: »

, it cant be for attention as she has 90% of mine and my other 3 dont get a look in of late.

This would imply that her behaviour IS gaining attention, so I don't understand why you think it is not for that reason at all? She has also got the attention of school, police, social workers.

Sambucus_Nigra

Does she know why you were separated when she was a baby?

daska

teabag29 wrote: »

I really could not live with myself if she went into care, i just know I couldnt. I lost her once before as i mentioned when she was a toddler due to her father abusing her brother (he shook him) and was violent to me but he wouldnt admit it and he lied and told everyone it was me, therefore dd had to go and live with my mum and i could only have supervised contact until the investigation was complete. He didnt admit guilt until the very end (a year later) to get a lighter sentence by which time the damage had been done and this i where i suspect the attachment disorder (if thats what it is) started.

I dont know how i got through that year, i sunk so low i didnt ever see a happy ending. The pain of losing a child...well nothing compares to it. I could never give up on her again and id be too afraid to write a letter stating i will put her into care incase they call my bluff and come and take her. I could never live with myself. As bad as she is now i believe given the right help she can progress but without the 1 constant person who is always there for her (me) she will feel like evryone has let her down and she will go off the rails and beyond help i just know it, it will mess her head up. She goes crazy when routine is messed up, i couldnt do that to her. Although what ive told u describes a very messed up child, she does have another side to her that is the most loving girl who loves to help and make you laugh and just wants to be normal. How could i turn my back on her like everyone else has done.....the answer is I could never.

But you can live with yourself not giving your other 3 kids what they need?

I may be wrong here and I know it's going to sound hurtful though it's not intended that way, but it sounds, tbh, as if CAMHS have come to the conclusion (rightly or wrongly) that her main problem is that she's spoilt silly with attention. Have you had any advice from a behavioural therapist? It may be that what she really needs from you is less, rather than more.

Gingham_R

teabag29 wrote: »

I know what you are saying and im tring my best to give as much time as i can to the others, i know its not enough. But if it is attachemnt disorder as i suspect it may well be then separating her from me again will have serious effects on her mental health, it will ruin any progress ive tried to make and any trust she has built up in me. Not to mention it will destroy me and the other children who will lose their sister. What can socail services do that I havent tried, how will that help her?

You need to speak to someone with a good professional understanding of this issue before you make any decisions.

Also, your decision will probably depend in part on whether or not she can understand consequences.

What have CAMHS done to help so far?

Spirit_2

It sounds diabolical. For all of you.

Whilst you have reasons for feeling you must protect your DD even if it is at all costs (and it sounds like it is) what can you put in plce to lessen the impact on the other 3 children ?

Is it possible for you to have rotation where each of them has a sleepover away from home (with your mum?) so that perhaps once every 4 weeks you and the other 3 have an evening without her. As there will be times when they are individaully away too it is equal treatment.

It sounds like at the moment she wants you all to herself even if it is only to make you miserable.

As a teenager my DD was pretty rude to me and I found it hard and wearing. Your situation sounds very hard and whilst I admire the tenacity there may be a point where you need tough love for everyone else's sake.