Absolutely mortified....how could she do this and why?*update*

teabag29

Some of you may be familiar with my previous posts about my dd and her behaviour and emotional problems and my fight to try and get her some help medically and educationally.

To cut a long story short her symptoms to me and many others are very similar to that of aspergers or attachment disorder, she has very challenging behaviour at home but not so much at school (although she has truanted, shop lifted and stolen off both pupils and staff), sensory issues, sleep problems, takes things literally, cannot understand humour, very oor social skills,very poor sense of danger, no hygiene what so ever, food obsession, lies about most things, cannot get on with any children her own age....you get the general jist.

So after 18mths fighting we've been pushed from dr to ep, ep to camhs, camhs to ot, ot to paediatrician, paediatrican back to camhs who have refused to see her again.

Educationally and emotionally she is functioning at age 6-7, she has a very poor memory and ive finally after 10 years of trying managed to teach her the alphabet and get her to remember it.

Since xmas things have spiralled down hill, she has gotten more challenging at home and says shes being bullied (school always say its her just as much as the other child), she has talked about wanting to kill herself and has been very hard to parent. The clinical psychologist who is due to end her work with dd soon re-referred her to camhs to be re-asessed (as did the paediatrician as she said dd is too old for their services) but they turned the referal down. On the education side I have been fighting to get her a statement but this was turned down at the 1st hurdle.....they are very hard to get now apparently and because she doesnt even have a diagnosis ive got no chance.

So dd has been getting frustrated with trying to keep up at school and her symptome seem to have escualted of late.... i didnt realise how badly until lastnight!!!

On Tuesday I sadi I would play a memory game with her as soon as i'd drank my coffee but between that my brother rang me, my 92 year old uncle had been robbed and consequently I was quiet upset and on the phone for a while. Dd took this very badly, she was shouting at me taht i'd rather talk to my sad brother than play with her... my 70 yr old mum was stopping at mine that night and couldnt believe dd, she hadnt seen this side to her before even though i'd tried to tell her.

Anyway I calmly told dd that I was taking an important call and that if she wanted to play the game she would have to wait patiently until i'd finished on the phone..... again she erupted and chucked the game. She continued by calling me a slag, told my mum she hopes she has a heart attack and dies etc etc. She then gave me a big smirk when she thought my mum wasnt looking....however she was and it highlighted to her how manipulative she can be. There was no getting through to her that night as much as I tried and so I sent her to bed at 8.30pm

The next morning, she was in a foul mood and began picking on her siblings and talking about me as if I wasnt there (e.g she said to my mum "i'm not saying bye to her" meaning me). I tried to explain to her why I had to take the call the previous night and that we could play the game after school that day but she must learn that she cannot expect to behave this way and get her own way. I thought she understod but obviously not.

At 3.30 my son burst through the door crying saying he cant take anymore of dd and explained she had gone to all his mates and told them that he wets the bed and wears nappies and other vicious things. Next dd came through the door in a terrible mood, she said she'd been speaking to the police at school and told them in her words "how I abuse her"........ I could not believe what I was hearing. She story tells alot so im used to this (she once came home and told me she'd caught 2 teachers having sex on the school trip bus).

She carried on ranting and raving and I waited till she had finished and spoke to her about why she keeps doing these things, it cant be for attention as she has 90% of mine and my other 3 dont get a look in of late. We were talking for a good few hours in which we both got emotional and she broke down and told me she feels like ending her life when shes at school. She said she gets picked on and shes different to the other kids and also she cant keep up with the work. I asked her if its all down to that then a) why do you behave the same in school holidays and b) how is making up false allegations about me going to help, particularly as i'm the only one thats been fighting to get her the help she needs. She said that she was sorry and she was angry with me for the not playing the game the previous night and said she hadnt really made those things up but just said it to hurt me because she was angry...infact she swore on both her nana's, little sisters and my life that this was the case. I explained to her why I had to take the call and sometimes things cant always go exactly to plan if something crops up. We talked a bit longer and then made tea together (she loves to cook).
The next day we had an appt with the psychologist and I explained how she was angry with me and why, i didnt tell her what she said about me although i wish i had of done now. I thought things were ok until lastnight....

I got a knock at the door at 2pm. It was a police officer and a social worker...both for child protection. To say I was horrified is an understatement. They explained that dd had seen the school cso on wednesday and told her that I dont feed her, neglect her, treat her differently and hit her......I couldnt believe what i was hearing. I felt like it was happening to someone else and I was watching from the outside, I still feel sick now and havent eaten a thing.

Basically before they spoke to me they went to my other dd's primary school and questioned her thoroughly (she got upset at 1 point and had to have the ta sit with her) and then my son. They asked if they'd ever witnessed dd being hit by me, do i feed her or treat her any differently, what i do with her and them as a family etc.

They then went to see my dd who made the accusations and she tried to dent saying them but they told her a cso wouldnt lie so then she admitted she was lying and was angry. They asked about home and she said mum is the only one who understands and they dug abit more and she eventually broke down and told them about how sad she is at school and feels like killing herself when shes there. They asked about home life and she said it was good but when she gets frustrated she needs to take it out on someone so that someone was me, they said they probed her thorughly and said things like 'are u sure your not just saying this because your scared mum will hit u if she finds out youve spoken to us'. Anyway they said they are completely satisfied she was making it up and told me I musnt worry. They said by speaking to the other children 1st without pre warning me shows that they have not been spoon fed what to say and they both said the same things.

I then had a long chat with them about dd and all my concerns and how ive beed pushed from 1 professional to another. I mentioned my concerns about attachemnt disorder stemmed from when dd was separated from by for a year age 18 mths. The social workers eyes lit up and she said she was thinking the same thing from what i'd told her. They also both said they were shocked at the school too and felt she is being let down. I explained about dd's story telling all through her school life (i.e. she went to school few weeks back and told teacher i hadnt given her pack up but teacher saw her eating it and knew she was lying), and I explained that shes right i do treat her differently but not in a bad way, she gets 90% of my attention and time, she has horse riding and swimming lessons every week, i pay for extra tuition to try and help her, designer bag and clothes etc etc.

They kept reaauring me they knew she was making it up and had a long chat with her about telling the truth. The social worker is also going to write to camhs and see if they will accept a re-referal from them, particularly as dd is talking about feeling suicidal so guess thats a good thing.

dd found it all highly amusing, when she came in and saw them sitting on sofa she smirked at me again. I just dont know how much more of this i can take. Nobody wants to help and im scared for dd's future and where this will all end. I'm also feeling very hurt that she has made these things up about me, whenever things get really tough she knows im the one who has always been there for her and she doesnt deny this. I have never raised my hand to her or neglected her in any way and I thought nomatter how bad things get she knew she'd always have my support and appreciated that but this has knocked me for 6, it seems she has now turned on me and wants to punish me but im doing all I can, I cant make people help her. :(:(

teabag29

forgot to say dd is 13

Alikay

Sorry to hear you're going through all this without there seeming to be any support for you and the family. Obviously getting the right diagnosis is the key to moving things forward with your daughter, but has the social worker given you any tips or books to read about measures you can take in the meantime? There are various books written on Attachment Disorder and some of the ways of parenting a child who has this disorder wouldn't be at all detrimental to a lot of children anyway: Stuff like setting clear boundaries, taking away choices and making the child realise they can, and must depend on you - I'm sure the Social Worker should be able to access some material for you.

It sounds terrible for your other children and they are clearly suffering too - I hope their needs don't get overlooked by the professionals.

This book is an interesting account of how one family dealt with Attachment Disorder:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Building-Bonds-Attachment-Awakening-Troubled/dp/0765704048

jackomdj

Try to think of a positive outcome that may come from this. It sounds as if tge social worker is fully behind you and going to push for further referrals. Also try (I know it is hard) to spend time with your other children or they may end up resenting you. Could you try to get some respite help? A friend of mine (who is a teacher at a special school) does voluntary work at the weekend where she takes a child out once or twice a month. This would give you quality time with the others and her quality time with someone outside her daily routine.

Good luck

teabag29

I asked....actually it was bordering on begging the social worker if they would now support me (ive rang them twice over past 6 mths for help and so has my parent partnership worker) and offer advice. She said she was just part of the child protection team and that her job was to just make sure the accusations were falso which she has done. I explained dd gets dla and i get carers so wouldn't i be entitled to an asessment to get respite but she said resources are too stretched, no funding etc same story i get off everyone when i ask for help.

She said she would ask camhs to re-asess but cant promise anything..... paediatrician and clinical psychologist have already done this but they turned them both down!

j.e.j.

I would put in writing what you have said in your first post and send it recorded post to the people in charge, tbh. It sounds like a lot of talking is being done, and you're being fobbed off and/or they don't see this side to her and so don't realise how bad the situation is. Tell them it's now got to the stage where you can no longer take responsiility for what your daughter might do, and that you will hand her over to the care of social services. (Even if you don't intend doing this, putting it like that might have some effect.)

The situation is not fair on you, and is not fair on your other children. Your DD obviously has issues that need to be addressed but she also seems to know what she is doing, and she needs to learn how to behave.

Have I understood right that she is functioning at age 6-7, but is in a mainstream secondary school?

daska

Doesn't matter how stretched they are you are legally entitled to an assessment. Don't phone, WRITE, keep copies, if you don't get a response or an assessment make a formal complaint.

tom9980

I have read lots of your threads and after what your daughter has done this time i think you need to seize it as an opportunity to force the hand of SS to give you all the help and support you need.

The fact is they will fob you off while you continue to put up with the behavior and i agree its time you write and tell them that you cannot cope anymore. At the very minimum you need some respite and proper support and at the worst she is taken into care. You need to accept that you have done everything you can for her but its time to stand up and force the hand of SS for the benefit of your sanity and the other children. SS will be desperate to not have to take her into care because it will cost them an absolute fortune to do so given her problems.

So sit down while she is at school and write a letter telling them after this latest incident that you are unable to cope any longer and that they must put in place a proper support network for your daughter or you will have no choice but to put her into the care of SS. Send the letter to everyone you can including your MP if you need to giving a clear brief explanation of the issues.

Good luck

fannyanna

I have no advice to give you but I just wanted to commend you on the strength that you have shown. I don't think I would have been able to put up with half of what you have.

lilac_lady

My heart goes out to you. I agree with tom's post. If SS, the school or doctors don't help you, you'll go under and the whole family will suffer.

I think you should try and accept that there's only so much you can do without help and if you don't get any it will mean your DD will have to go into care.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you get the help you need.

teabag29

j.e.j. wrote: »

I would put in writing what you have said in your first post and send it recorded post to the people in charge, tbh. It sounds like a lot of talking is being done, and you're being fobbed off and/or they don't see this side to her and so don't realise how bad the situation is. Tell them it's now got to the stage where you can no longer take responsiility for what your daughter might do, and that you will hand her over to the care of social services. (Even if you don't intend doing this, putting it like that might have some effect.)

The situation is not fair on you, and is not fair on your other children. Your DD obviously has issues that need to be addressed but she also seems to know what she is doing, and she needs to learn how to behave.

Have I understood right that she is functioning at age 6-7, but is in a mainstream secondary school?

Thats right, her reading age is 6.08 and spelling is 7. 8 (or could be vice versa cant quite remember). Her memory is at age 5. I have pushed for statement but they say theu only consider that for a child who will go to special school but none of the professionals involved have said that she will benefit from one as her levels arent low enough (shes working on level 3's and english level 2 but statemented children are level 1 apparently). They say she is doing ok in mainstream but she doesnt show herself properly to them, she puts on a front and then it all comes out at home.

I wrote everything from birth to date to camhs and paediatrician, it was 19 pages long and included her early years where she was behind in all her milestones and dosctor thought she had adhd age 2 but too young to diagnose. The letter has done no good, im no better off