Boyfriends mum keeps asking us for money

jellyhead

I know a woman who is like this, always looking for loans and not paying her bills. She's rubbish with money, she doesn't seem to think long term and doesn't seem to have any kind of budget. There's always more money coming next week, and 'they can't have what I haven't got'.

I am wondering how old the siblings are, because when this friend of mine lost her benefits for her eldest child it was £400 a month! So, in addition to all of her problems she had before, she was now an extra £400 per month short.

I was just wondering about your situation ... if it carries on you will be paying her £300 per month, then when the eldest child is no longer eligible for benefits you'll have to pay her £700 ... (some of that was maintenance, I think the actual benefits for the child were only £250 per month)

jellyhead

What about her son offering to call all of the benefits agencies and utilities that she says mess up her payments each month? He could say something sexist like 'they will sort things out if it's a man on the phone' You never know, it could be that she is genuinely having problems, and perhaps she is embarrassed about not being able to deal with the forms or calculations herself. If not, then at least she knows she can't use those excuses any more. Make sure the children are getting free school meals, then if she says she can't feed them they will only need a sandwich or beans on toast, so you could provide that more cheaply than handing over cash.

Lotus-eater

If I was the OP's OH in this case, I think I would be spending more time round there, rather than just giving money and seeing what the real situation is.
He needs to stand up to his Mum, but he also needs to find out what is going on.

Ciske

To be honest, I don't think you need to know why your MIL needs more money and how well she spends her current budget. All you need to know is that YOUR family can't afford to support her, and that in itself is enough reason to stop.

The right answer when she asks for money is this:

"Yes, it's really tough isn't it, OH is working overtime and we're still left with nothing at the end of the month. I understand how you feel."

If she persists:

"I understand how you feel, but as I said we're struggling ourselves. In fact, we could do with the money back that you borrowed earlier. When did you say you were going to pay us back?"

Repeat, repeat and repeat until she gets the message. If she's really in financial trouble and can't feed the kids, the job centre will help her with emergency loans, but it doesn't sound like it.

The difficult part will be for your OH: expect drama, emotional blackmail, arguments and a huge amount of pressure on his shoulders. You can't do more than support him, while at the same time make him understand that the responsibilities to his own family outweigh those to his mother. Making a financial plan like someone suggested is an excellent idea - your OH needs to understand what that £300 a month is costing you in real terms. Does it mean no child for another few years? Does it mean you can't move, or leaving your own children without stuff you want them to have? Is all the extra work risking his health?

The bottom line though is this: no matter how tough the circumstances may be for your MIL (or not), you're no longer a viable rescue net for her as this is now jeopardising your own family. She needs to look at other options and if her need is really that high, they will be available.

basilthebeagle

Dear me, what a mess.

I am afraid my instant reaction is that this woman is indeed sponging and is well aware that your partner is her soft touch. The fact he is so loyal is probably one of the reasons you want to be with him.

I have to say that your 'mother-in-law' and you having a great relationship sounds very nice, but I wonder if you really do. I have a feeling the worm would certainly turn if there was a confrontation with her about this (which from what I have read, there really hasn't been up until now - all the conflict is between you and your partner).

The only thing I would say about benefits being 'messed up' is it can happen (this is not from personal experience, but what has happened to my brother-in-law) and can take more than 3 months to get back to normal when the errors have been identified. Not sure I believe there have been any mess-ups here though, unless they relate to new claims being made after your partner left home because of the change in circumstances.

I would try the following:

1. Now that you have shown your partner the rough estimate of benefits she should be receiving from your internt research, print out that research and go round TOGETHER and confront her with it saying that as a couple you are struggling to understand what the problem is. If she claims you are incorrect, ask to see the benefit books/statements.
2. Tell her that you have spoken to your partner's father and discovered that she has told him she was left in debt which is blatantly untrue. Ask her what the double dose of bail outs (from you and the father) actually went on.
3. It will not be a pleasant conversation but I would say that the only conclusion you are able to draw us that there is a secret debt problem or addiction problem somewhere - please prove to us that is not the case...
4. Tell her you have no money, can she lend you some.
5. As others have said, do not give out money, but the shortage in kind.

I do not approve of ultimatums but it does sound to me as though your partner, sweet as he is, has got to wake up and smell the roses.

Your future is being jeopordised and he seems to prefer that to upsetting his mother.

Errata

The blunt fact is that the siblings come first, the dogs come second, the OP comes third, and plans for the future come a very, very long way behind that.
Only one person can change those priorities - if they want to.

yvonne13_2

OP, if what the MIL is saying is true why is she asking your BF for x amount of money? She get's money from the father of her children and benefits therefore her bills are her responsibility.

If I was in that situation I would be peeved and just end up telling my BF to move back in with his mum.

As he is taking money from a joint account to pay for his mums mobile bill you have a right to say you want to see the bill ect.

londonsurrey

My mother was a qualified solicitor, but it was so much the same story. She sponged off me all the time, my little brother needed things, her husbands had left her holding the poor wee baby, etc.

It was always :
- she was hard done by (monetarily, emotionally, houseworkwise, whatever)
- it wasn't her fault
- it was her child's fault, her ex's fault, the authorities, her friend's fault

It took me a long time to realise that she had an actual condition, and I wasn't alone, or mad, or bad,
and why I simply wasn't good enough:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2010/narcissistic-mothers/

http://narcmom.blogspot.com/

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

FatVonD

I wonder whether a credit search might show up loans she's not mentioned, I'm sure your partner could do a search in his name at her address saying he's been refused credit and wondered there was something from that address that had adversely affected his credit rating.