We'd like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum... Read More »
Boyfriends mum keeps asking us for money
saveforthefuture
Posts: 7 Forumite
Ok the situation is this, please bear with the long post its quite complicated.....
My boyfriend and I moved in together in December, before that he lived with his mum and younger siblings.
His mum was on ESA and gets child tax credit and stuff, but because he was working a lot of the rent and council tax still had to be paid and he covered this totally saying it was not fair that him living there should leave his mum short as it would all be covered by benefits.
He also paid her £200 a month towards bills and food out of which he got maybe 3 cooked meals a week and breakfast cereal, the other 4 days and for every lunch he bought himself. He also paid for the virgin tv phone and internet service.
We decided to move in together which she was all for, it was a bit of a pressured situation because she said the job center were investigating her for benefit fraud and it was all because I stayed over a couple of nights a week when I didnt have my kids ( I have shared care arrangement with my children ).
She said whilst they investigated she had her money stopped and so he covered all the bills and she told us the jobcentre said I was only allowed to stay over on a Saturday night.
At the time this all seemed fishy to me but I felt it wasnt my place to question. It was especially fishy that I went over on the day she was meant to have her appeal and she hadnt gone to it, she said she didnt feel well enough and would have them do it without he - she still went out shopping though! This made me think there was never an investigation, and things added up like the fact that we never saw a letter or anything about it, but again I kept quiet, even when the next day she said she had won the appeal but it would take time for the benefits to kick in again and she needed money to get by in the meantime.
Also if she won the appeal should she not get the money that was stopped back dated? So she shouldnt have been asking him for money over the next couple of weeks because it was 'his fault' hers got stopped.
By then we had already put a deposit on a house because she kept throwing it in my boyfriends face that life would be easier if she didnt have him living there and it was clear she didnt like me being over. I personally think it is down to jelousy she is used to having him to herself and although it is very clear she likes me, she didnt like that someone else was taking up his time. I dont think she ever really thought he would go ahead and move out, I think she had an idea that it would mean I was about less and she would have her boy to herself more. I can understand all that, I have 2 boys myself who I adore but I feel she was quite underhanded.
So we found a place together because I also had to leave my accomodation because my tenancy was up and my landlord was not reletting, it made sense to move in together since it seemed his mum wanted him out too, earlier than we would have ideally planned but it has worked out great and Im glad we did it
So when he left he cleared up all his mothers rent arrears and her council tax arrears plus still paid her shopping and bill money to get her through the transition.
The first problem I noticed after we moved out was on his mobile phone bill we were paying nearly £80 a month - why, because he paid his mums as well as his own through the same account. He said they had agreed she would repay this to him each month, in reality we havent received a penny towards it.
Then every week she has called and said she cant afford to feed the children, the tumble dryer is broken and needs to be repaired, the cooker is broken, the kids need school shoes, its cold and can not afford to but any gas in the meter. She calls very upset saying she has no money and cant afford anything which stresses him out hugely.
I know benefits much up sometimes, but not on every payment and if they had mucked up it should be paid still albeit late so she shouldnt constantly need to 'borrow' ( never give back ) money each week.
Then she said she failed her ESA medical and has no money coming in, so I went on the online benefits calculator and worked out that she gets about £900 a month cash plus her rent paid plus council tax paid and doesnt pay for prescriptions etc she also gets child maintainance but I dont know how much. She said she is apealing the ESA and in the meantime cant afford to live. He was very surprised when I showed him what she gets as she has always told him she gets mmuch much less which is why he felt the need to contribute so much in the past.
When the pressure doesnt work on him to give her money she calls me knowing I will go back and tell him as I dont want any hiding or secrets in the relationship.
I have found out he has been giving her money and so has his dad plus we still pay her phone bill. She called his dad at christmas crying saying my boyfriend had left her with loads of council tax rent and utility debts and now she had no money to pay for presents and food for her other children over christmas, so he gave her a few hundred pounds, this only got back to us a couple of weeks ago and is totally untrue as i was there when payments were made to ensure everything was clear before he left.
After we pay our bills food etc we have about £100 a month to go towards days out treats, clothes etc... unless we work overtime which we have been doing but it has not benefited us because of the money going to her. We have our own family to support and are getting by but our lives are not lavish at all, we cant afford to support his mother financially.
On top of which we have been looking at ways to save cash like changing utility supplier, working overtime ( he ups his hours to 52 hours a week sometimes ) so that we can save some cash together so that next year we can start trying for a baby but at this rate we wont save a penny in the baby fund if he keeps handing her money. She even keeps on at us to have a baby, but I need to get my health in order first as I have hormone imbalance and am working on getting that in and all I want to do is scream at her how on earth can we have a baby when we dont have any spare money!!!!
I seriously dont know how she could not cope on the money she gets, I have lived on benefits when I became a single parent back in 2004 and that was with no maintainance coming in, i always managed and had cash over if they boys needed new shoes or school trousers I could always get them. She doesnt have debts because whilst he was living with her over the past 4 years he was made arrangeents with all her creditors and paid them off for her, he left her in a good situation financially no debts or anything.
Now we get a call saying the council are hounding her for money because she is in rent arrears, the reason, she hast paid her water rates since he left ( the council charges the water on the rent bill if you dont have a meter ), she is asking him for the money to pay it. It seems never ending.
I have tried to be tolerant but eventually I had to tell him that I felt like she was walking all over him and he has to put a stop to it now before it gets worse, he agreed with me but said he found it really hard to hear the kids were going without. He said he wouldnt give her anymore money and I beleived him because every time she called since then he has said no to her but then I spoke to her yesterday and she asked me to tell himm she couldt afford to pay himm back the money she borrowed last week as her benefits havent come through and she has just had to scrape together all her coppers just to buy milk and bread this week and the kids are going hungry.
I despair I really do, he lent her money and just didnt tell me. I feel bad as his income to the household is far far higher than mine and in a way I feel I have no right to say anything but it is really getting to me, I want a future with him, babies, marriage, a holiday once a year, to be able to treat ourselves occasionally, we will never get that is this carries on, . It may sound very selfish on my part but we work and he works loads of over time but we dont get anything nice out of it, we just get by and it sees really unfair especially when he is tired and stressed from working so much, but has nothing to show for all that extra work.
His mum has always been nice to me and I dont think she is a bad person but I just think it is no unfair that she expects him to carry on supporting her even now he doesnt live there, she needs to see that we have our own household to run.
I do understand that people run intot problems and might need some help occasionally and I wouldnt begrudge that, but this isnt occasional it is all the time.
I really dont know what to do
My boyfriend and I moved in together in December, before that he lived with his mum and younger siblings.
His mum was on ESA and gets child tax credit and stuff, but because he was working a lot of the rent and council tax still had to be paid and he covered this totally saying it was not fair that him living there should leave his mum short as it would all be covered by benefits.
He also paid her £200 a month towards bills and food out of which he got maybe 3 cooked meals a week and breakfast cereal, the other 4 days and for every lunch he bought himself. He also paid for the virgin tv phone and internet service.
We decided to move in together which she was all for, it was a bit of a pressured situation because she said the job center were investigating her for benefit fraud and it was all because I stayed over a couple of nights a week when I didnt have my kids ( I have shared care arrangement with my children ).
She said whilst they investigated she had her money stopped and so he covered all the bills and she told us the jobcentre said I was only allowed to stay over on a Saturday night.
At the time this all seemed fishy to me but I felt it wasnt my place to question. It was especially fishy that I went over on the day she was meant to have her appeal and she hadnt gone to it, she said she didnt feel well enough and would have them do it without he - she still went out shopping though! This made me think there was never an investigation, and things added up like the fact that we never saw a letter or anything about it, but again I kept quiet, even when the next day she said she had won the appeal but it would take time for the benefits to kick in again and she needed money to get by in the meantime.
Also if she won the appeal should she not get the money that was stopped back dated? So she shouldnt have been asking him for money over the next couple of weeks because it was 'his fault' hers got stopped.
By then we had already put a deposit on a house because she kept throwing it in my boyfriends face that life would be easier if she didnt have him living there and it was clear she didnt like me being over. I personally think it is down to jelousy she is used to having him to herself and although it is very clear she likes me, she didnt like that someone else was taking up his time. I dont think she ever really thought he would go ahead and move out, I think she had an idea that it would mean I was about less and she would have her boy to herself more. I can understand all that, I have 2 boys myself who I adore but I feel she was quite underhanded.
So we found a place together because I also had to leave my accomodation because my tenancy was up and my landlord was not reletting, it made sense to move in together since it seemed his mum wanted him out too, earlier than we would have ideally planned but it has worked out great and Im glad we did it
So when he left he cleared up all his mothers rent arrears and her council tax arrears plus still paid her shopping and bill money to get her through the transition.
The first problem I noticed after we moved out was on his mobile phone bill we were paying nearly £80 a month - why, because he paid his mums as well as his own through the same account. He said they had agreed she would repay this to him each month, in reality we havent received a penny towards it.
Then every week she has called and said she cant afford to feed the children, the tumble dryer is broken and needs to be repaired, the cooker is broken, the kids need school shoes, its cold and can not afford to but any gas in the meter. She calls very upset saying she has no money and cant afford anything which stresses him out hugely.
I know benefits much up sometimes, but not on every payment and if they had mucked up it should be paid still albeit late so she shouldnt constantly need to 'borrow' ( never give back ) money each week.
Then she said she failed her ESA medical and has no money coming in, so I went on the online benefits calculator and worked out that she gets about £900 a month cash plus her rent paid plus council tax paid and doesnt pay for prescriptions etc she also gets child maintainance but I dont know how much. She said she is apealing the ESA and in the meantime cant afford to live. He was very surprised when I showed him what she gets as she has always told him she gets mmuch much less which is why he felt the need to contribute so much in the past.
When the pressure doesnt work on him to give her money she calls me knowing I will go back and tell him as I dont want any hiding or secrets in the relationship.
I have found out he has been giving her money and so has his dad plus we still pay her phone bill. She called his dad at christmas crying saying my boyfriend had left her with loads of council tax rent and utility debts and now she had no money to pay for presents and food for her other children over christmas, so he gave her a few hundred pounds, this only got back to us a couple of weeks ago and is totally untrue as i was there when payments were made to ensure everything was clear before he left.
After we pay our bills food etc we have about £100 a month to go towards days out treats, clothes etc... unless we work overtime which we have been doing but it has not benefited us because of the money going to her. We have our own family to support and are getting by but our lives are not lavish at all, we cant afford to support his mother financially.
On top of which we have been looking at ways to save cash like changing utility supplier, working overtime ( he ups his hours to 52 hours a week sometimes ) so that we can save some cash together so that next year we can start trying for a baby but at this rate we wont save a penny in the baby fund if he keeps handing her money. She even keeps on at us to have a baby, but I need to get my health in order first as I have hormone imbalance and am working on getting that in and all I want to do is scream at her how on earth can we have a baby when we dont have any spare money!!!!
I seriously dont know how she could not cope on the money she gets, I have lived on benefits when I became a single parent back in 2004 and that was with no maintainance coming in, i always managed and had cash over if they boys needed new shoes or school trousers I could always get them. She doesnt have debts because whilst he was living with her over the past 4 years he was made arrangeents with all her creditors and paid them off for her, he left her in a good situation financially no debts or anything.
Now we get a call saying the council are hounding her for money because she is in rent arrears, the reason, she hast paid her water rates since he left ( the council charges the water on the rent bill if you dont have a meter ), she is asking him for the money to pay it. It seems never ending.
I have tried to be tolerant but eventually I had to tell him that I felt like she was walking all over him and he has to put a stop to it now before it gets worse, he agreed with me but said he found it really hard to hear the kids were going without. He said he wouldnt give her anymore money and I beleived him because every time she called since then he has said no to her but then I spoke to her yesterday and she asked me to tell himm she couldt afford to pay himm back the money she borrowed last week as her benefits havent come through and she has just had to scrape together all her coppers just to buy milk and bread this week and the kids are going hungry.
I despair I really do, he lent her money and just didnt tell me. I feel bad as his income to the household is far far higher than mine and in a way I feel I have no right to say anything but it is really getting to me, I want a future with him, babies, marriage, a holiday once a year, to be able to treat ourselves occasionally, we will never get that is this carries on, . It may sound very selfish on my part but we work and he works loads of over time but we dont get anything nice out of it, we just get by and it sees really unfair especially when he is tired and stressed from working so much, but has nothing to show for all that extra work.
His mum has always been nice to me and I dont think she is a bad person but I just think it is no unfair that she expects him to carry on supporting her even now he doesnt live there, she needs to see that we have our own household to run.
I do understand that people run intot problems and might need some help occasionally and I wouldnt begrudge that, but this isnt occasional it is all the time.
I really dont know what to do
0
Comments
-
It sounds like your OH's mum expects others to pay for her one way or another. No matter how much he helps her, it won't help unless her attitude changes.
But, be careful so the issue of your OH spending money on her doesn't come between the two of you.
Can you and your OH work out a compromise where you instead of giving OH's mum any money at all rather spend a bit directly on your OH's siblings, to make sure they don't go without?0 -
The mother seems to be a hardened sponger.
It's a grim thing to say, but if he can't or won't free himself from the old witch, do you have a life together?"Never underestimate the mindless force of a government bureaucracyseeking to expand its power, dominion and budget"Jay Stanley, American Civil Liberties Union.0 -
WhiteHorse wrote: »The mother seems to be a hardened sponger.
It's a grim thing to say, but if he can't or won't free himself from the old witch, do you have a life together?
I have to agree with this. If he won't change, can you put up with it indefinitely?0 -
next time she calls asking for money to buy gas or food or school shoes instead of giving her the money, go round and get the gas key and put the money straight onto that, go to the supermarket and get tatties and chicken and mince and bread etc... and drop it round or take the child that needs the shoes out and buy the shoes. that ensures the kids do not go without.
i think she does not really need the money though. she should be able to manage on what she is given. even if she failed the medical and is appealing then she would still get money to live off of till its sorted out.
i think she is at it in all honesty.0 -
in future if she phones saying that she needs money to feed her kids call her bluff by buying food insted of giving her the cash. You could even be the 'doting' DIL by dropping it of and putting it away in the cupboards to see if they are empty?? I wouldn't be surprised if there was food there.
Do you have any idea what she spends her money on? The story about her benefits being stopped sounds fishy to me. However, I've never needed to claim so perhaps should not pass comment.0 -
Crossed post with Adamantine :rotfl:0
-
adamantine wrote: »next time she calls asking for money to buy gas or food or school shoes instead of giving her the money, go round and get the gas key and put the money straight onto that, go to the supermarket and get tatties and chicken and mince and bread etc... and drop it round or take the child that needs the shoes out and buy the shoes. that ensures the kids do not go without.
Hi OP,
I agree with this ^
You'll do a lot better to commit a limited amount to supporting the children and do it ONLY directly i.e. in actual food, milk, payments for fuel, clothes/shoes etc.
I'd also be getting your partner to take his phone OFF the contract he has with his mum and get a fixed and limited monthly contract for her - even if you as a couple pay £20 a month for her phone, at least that's all you'd be paying for it.
What a nightmare. Best of luck with sorting things out.
MsB0 -
He has to man up and tell her that as he no longer lives there, the bills are no longer his responsibility. Get him to go round there and have a look at her paperwork, there will be proof somewhere of how much she is raking in.
She clearly cannot control her spending, you mention that he has cleared debts for her in the past. She now needs to start coping with this herself. If he's worried about his siblings going hungry, he can take some food round there, NOT give the money to his mum. (Or you could have the kids over at your place and cook for them)
He should make her an appointment with a CAB debt counsellor or similar, to get her to work within her budget. If you're not careful, you will be paying her bills and debts for the rest of your life, this has to stop now. Put your foot down, I don't see why you should work to support his lazy-arsed mother, you're already paying for her through your taxes.
Good luck, it sounds as though you're going to need it!"I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"0 -
And I, too, was thinking the same thing - buy them some food, take it round, and check the state of the cupboards. Then you'll know if she's spinning you a line or not.:heartpuls Mrs Marleyboy :heartpuls
MSE: many of the benefits of a helpful family, without disadvantages like having to compete for the tv remote
Proud Parents to an Aut-some son 0 -
Honestly I think you can't control this and you shouldn't try to. But you do need to make clear, gently, to your partner that funding his mother in this way will have an impact on the things that you can do together as a family. At the minute you are in danger of it driving a wedge between you. He probably feels caught between a rock and a hard place - he knows you're right but he can't bear to think of his 'other' family going without. I'd just urge you to be understanding of why he didn't tell you the truth, in one way he might feel that he was in a position where he couldn't tell you the truth without disappointing you but he couldn't not help his mum either. He sounds like a very good man for this, he clearly doesn't just walk away from what he thinks of as his responsibilities, and this bodes well for you down the line.
But that's not to say give up on it. You have done very well being forebearing with him up until now and in not blaming his mum for her problems and I admire you for this. But perhaps you need to try to bring him round (gently) to sitting down and talking with her properly about how this can't really go on. And trying to talk a bit to her about budgeting, what exactly she has coming in and how she is spending it. And supporting her with her budgeting.
The suggestions here about buying food and gas/electric rather than giving cash are also excellent.
But telling him to man up isn't an option. He is being a man, he's caring for his mum and brothers and for you and your children. He just needs to see that supporting his mum to be independent of him is one of the best things he can do for her in the long term although short term it will not feel nice at all.
Good luck!0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 349.9K Banking & Borrowing
- 252.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 453K Spending & Discounts
- 242.8K Work, Benefits & Business
- 619.6K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 176.4K Life & Family
- 255.8K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards