Boyfriends mum keeps asking us for money

saveforthefuture

Thanks for everyones replies -

In answer, no I cant see us spending the rest of our lives together if things don't change. I love him to bits and he makes me really happy, he is a good person but I want a nice life, selfish as it may sound, if we are working, especially doing overtime, I want to be able to afford nice things like a holiday once a year and to be able to treat my children ( and hopefully a child we will have together in the future ).

I know he loves his brother and sisters and I think it would be great to have days out treating them and as there is only a few years age gap between them and my children they get along well, we should be treating them all to days out and nice things but the money just is not there to do that because we are supporting their living costs.

We chatted about it again last night and he says it has to stop now because we just cant afford it, especially now his hours are being cut at work, he says he is going to tell her there is going to be no more money available but I am worried he will say that to me and then do it behind my back.

I know it must be really hard for him and I think I have been quite patient, I even offered to help her sort out a budget and check her utility plans etc... for her but the response I get is that she is an adult and doesn't need someone to do that.

I don't believe she has a drug or drink habit - I used to work with people with these problems and whilst I know people can get good at hiding these things I feel I know what to look for, of course I could be wrong but my gut instinct is this isn't a problem. Gambling however, online bingo or something similar has crossed my mind but if she won't admit it is a problem how can we help?

I put the idea across to my OH about buying food and electric instead of handing over cash, he said then she will just not buy any food or electric and spend that money on whatever it is she is spending it all on ( though I would be keen to do this just once I think so that I can see if we are being told porkies and she actually does have food in the cupboards! ) - he does realise this is a big problem I think but doesn't know how to deal with it.

OH even says she is capable of working! She had an accident many years ago which yes has left her with mobility problems but they are not hugely severe ( I dont mean that in an unsensetive way, just that she is able to walk still with a bit of a hobble, not nice for her I know but she does still have the freedom to move around which is great ). There must be some job she can do which is why I think she failed the medical.

I keep thinking as well, if she had been investigated for me staying over would they not have wanted to talk to me too to clarify things? I was never contacted, plus is her appeal was a success they should have backdated all the money that was stopped right? Plus whilst you appeal ESA medicals you get money still albeit at a lower rate Im sure?

I would never begrudge helping out a family member in genuine need, especially where children are involved and she has always been lovely to me and I felt blessed to have such a good relationship with her as many people hate their partners mother lol ! But this is putting such a strain on us I find it really hard to get my head around it especially as I have 2 sons myself and I couldn't imagine treating them like this ever.

I think what gets to me the most is the lies, honesty is so important especially within families. I feel she guilt trips him into handing over money, she must have reasons for these struggles and really I do want to help her but I think we deserve to have a good life too.

And to the person who said about not planning a baby till this is resolved, I totally agree ! We have decided we would like to start trying in about a year, but if things are not sorted then it just won't be happening! I will not even start TTC until we have the cash saved for all the baby bits we need and we are putting away money each month to cover living while we have our paternity and paternity leave, i think having a baby is the most special thing a family can do and I want it to be perfect, if this is still going on it just wont happen, there is no space for compromise on that because I do not want the children I already have to suffer because of the expense of a new baby.

skylight

You could offer to take the siblings in if she can't manage? Last resort though.

Errata

Can you sit down with him and both of you identify your joint goals? You can then identify all the steps you both need to take to reach your goals. It's useful to write it all down on paper, and you can also do a decision tree eg Giving money - yes = no baby, and no = baby. Seeing things in black and white concentrates the mind, and it's also easy to identify if and when either of you fall off a branch.
If you really want to put effort into it, you can also do a risk assessment and a SWOT.

Tiddlywinks

Perhaps you could go back to the basics? Plus don't assume the worst of his mum until proven so.

Agree with your OH what you can and can't (or won't) do to help and then have a sit down chat with her to explain things. Tell her that you know how hard it must be to exist on benefits but also say that you now have more bills to pay as you have to run your own household - this means that you all need to make savings from now on.

If she really is just bad with money then offer help in drawing up a budget - say you are having to do this yourself as well.

As to her being able to get a job... just because someone can "hobble" around does not indicate that they are not in pain. Also, the longer you are not working the harder it is to return - I'm not making excuses for her, but I am saying that you need to view this situation through her eyes if you want to work through it without causing a rift.

Your OH's mum has become used to the extra income from when he was living with her and it will take her a while to adapt to not having it... just like it is hard for someone to adapt to not getting extra money from overtime for instance.

Believe me, I'm no softie but in family situations like this you need to view it from all sides and be prepared for little steps in moving forward.

saveforthefuture

skylight wrote: »

You could offer to take the siblings in if she can't manage? Last resort though.

I would really hope it never comes to that, but of course we would if it came down to it.

MandM90

saveforthefuture wrote: »

I would really hope it never comes to that, but of course we would if it came down to it.

Perhaps offering it will shock her enough to stop asking; she might be a bit taken aback if you say "if you are struggling to feed them, house them and clothe them consistently, can you really keep them? We could take them for you"

Also agree with buying food and insisting on putting it away...if she does have it, she may become too embarrassed about the hassle of it...the same with electricity etc. If the kids need something and she has no money perhaps even be as direct as "Well what have you spent it on...we know you get X a week" She isn't paying her council tax or housing, has numerous handouts and is constantly begging for money. I agree, something is amiss!

Also, just wanted to say I can sympathise. DW paid everything for her mum while she lived there, even put off uni because her mum pretended to have cancer among other things and still DW wants to buy her things - we had to buy her a gift, pay for all her transport costs and hotel fees and buy her food so she could come to our civil partnership - but recently she's really realised just how much her mum "extracts the urine". She was telling everyone that would listen that DW didn't send her a card or present which is true, yet not so bad when you consider that MIL doesn't even ring or send a card on any of our birthdays including DD and we send all the kids, of which they are many, gifts on Christmas and birthdays. Some people are just born scroungers. Her family constantly say things like "it's alright for you, you're rich" when we scrape, save and work bl00dy hard to send DD to private school, live in a nice area and stay in the black.

saveforthefuture

Errata wrote: »

Can you sit down with him and both of you identify your joint goals? You can then identify all the steps you both need to take to reach your goals. It's useful to write it all down on paper, and you can also do a decision tree eg Giving money - yes = no baby, and no = baby. Seeing things in black and white concentrates the mind, and it's also easy to identify if and when either of you fall off a branch.
If you really want to put effort into it, you can also do a risk assessment and a SWOT.

I think that is what we are going to have to do, even if he says he will carry on helping her because I need to prepare myself for the future and know where I stand, also I think if he wants to give her money each month ( it was over £300 this month ) we need to revise our budget big time.

Errata

You certainly need to identify your financial needs as a first step. The problem isn't his mum asking for money, the problem is that he gives it to her.

saveforthefuture

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Perhaps you could go back to the basics? Plus don't assume the worst of his mum until proven so.

Agree with your OH what you can and can't (or won't) do to help and then have a sit down chat with her to explain things. Tell her that you know how hard it must be to exist on benefits but also say that you now have more bills to pay as you have to run your own household - this means that you all need to make savings from now on.

If she really is just bad with money then offer help in drawing up a budget - say you are having to do this yourself as well.

As to her being able to get a job... just because someone can "hobble" around does not indicate that they are not in pain. Also, the longer you are not working the harder it is to return - I'm not making excuses for her, but I am saying that you need to view this situation through her eyes if you want to work through it without causing a rift.

Your OH's mum has become used to the extra income from when he was living with her and it will take her a while to adapt to not having it... just like it is hard for someone to adapt to not getting extra money from overtime for instance.

Believe me, I'm no softie but in family situations like this you need to view it from all sides and be prepared for little steps in moving forward.

Oh no, I am not for one minute trying to imply that it is easy for her and that she doesn't have some pain but all I am saying is that there has got to be work she is capable of even if only part time. If she is able to talk her 5 dogs for 3 mile walks each day I do think she can do some form of work. I know I may come across as being a bit harsh and I am really trying not to be, I think this morning I am just in a bit of a tizz as OH came on from working all night this being his 9th night in a row of 12 hour shifts, he is exhausted and flopped straight into bed with barely a word, I think it is just upsetting me that he has to do this.

I know living on benefits is hard, I have had to do it but with cash from ESA, child benefit and tax credits, no rent to pay, no council tax to pay, free school meals, free after school clubs for the kids, £300 from us, £250 child maintaince and whatever OH dad gives her each month, she has not far off what we have coming in but none of the huge bills like rent we have to pay out.

I have tried to softie approach making excuses for her and I genuinely do get on with her as a person, but now I feel like there has to be something fishy here, surely your child benefit, ESA and child tax credits cant be mucked up EVERY payment?

System

as long as he is still giving her money she will still ask