Boyfriends mum keeps asking us for money

RAS

I would suggest that you occasionally have her children round for supper. That way you can support thme and check they are OK?

I would also suggest that OH acquaints himself with the services of the debt charities listed here http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan#help.

Given how dodgy mum is I think face to face with CAP would be the preferred option.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Has anyone pointed out by taking a single penny from her son, she is committing benefit fraud?

And if there is an investigation, she could well be looking at a prison sentence.

She's already claimed there are problems (a compliance interview, most likely, not an appeal), but she still asks for more?



If she is caught, technically, your OH is partly responsible for her potentially going to prison and all the siblings being taken into care.

Caroline_a

Really good point Jojo. OP this could be the way you sell this to your OP, then get him to sort a budget for mother, and take it from there.

margaretclare

I read to the 3rd page wondering, like everyone else, what the hell this woman does with the money she gets from the taxpayer (I, among many others, still pay tax into retirement) and why she can't pay her way with the benefits she gets to enable her to live free of rent and council tax (BTW, our council tax is £113 a month, that gives you an idea what she doesn't have to pay).

The I read 'she has 5 dogs'. Gobsmacked doesn't even come near it. 5? Is she running an animal shelter, or what?

We no longer have any animal because we don't want either the expense, the responsibility or the commitment. But this is an idea of what dogs cost:

1. Food. The amount will depend on size of dogs.

2. Pet insurance.

3. Annual vaccinations/inoculations.

4. Grooming - there are people making a good living out of things like 'dial a dog van', mobile grooming, or static grooming parlours. This helps to keep their skin and coat healthy including flea treatments.

5. Vet's bills. Not all may be covered by (2).

6. Extra house cleaning, dog hairs, de-flea, wash dogs' bedding, and so on.

I sympathise with you, but this woman is taking the wee-wee. This situation cannot continue.

Tygermoth

(sorry this is long and in some cases quite harsh)

I would advocate telling the sponging mare to do one but as your OH is a softy you could just throw her lie back in her face.

"I am sorry but we have been contacted by the benefits agency asking about payments to you. We never said a word and don’t know how they know........ but its too risky that they will stop all your payments. So for yours and the children’s sake we can’t help you, sorry. Here is the number for the local benefits charity they may be able to find a way to help."

Wash and repeat.

If she wants to kick off, see letters just say you threw them out but she could just call the benefits agency to confirm. There is NO way she would do that

Also a little thought to stiffen the backbone of your OH, she has the SAME household money you do. So who deprives the kids?, not him.... It’s her......on the same money your kids are not deprived of anything are they?

All the bleating about missed payments - again just say she will need to sort with the benefits agency (and once again here is the number for the local benefits charity they may be able to find a way to help)

Giving her money WILL NOT ever go to the kids anyway. It never does. It goes to her. Stop listening to her excuses and when ever her mouth moves just visualise her saying I make the same money than you but I still want more of yours.

I promise though it’s hard to say no at first three things WILL happen (sometimes they will switch back and forth between them)

1, she will get worse and seriously ramp up the emotional blackmail – it’s worth her while as £300 (if not more) per month is a bloddy good payday. Expect the loveliest sweet lady, charming and full of promises trying to get round him. Expect tales of destitution, tears of horror that the kids are starving in the street and how the benefit agency don’t care they have messed up, or the water or the electric or the *insert appropriate patsy* have done somthing wrong which means she has no money. She will be nasty throw acusations of selfishness and other lies. Oh and you will become a target too, it was all fine before you came along. You take all his money. You and your kids are the scroungers, family should come first not some woman.

2. When 1. does not work she will become enraged. Badmouth you to all and sundry – hoping embarrassment and shame will bring you back in line. Stay strong, most people usually have the measure of her kind anyway so only the gullible will heed her.

3. If 2. is not getting the results she wants she (finally) will drop him like a hot brick. Third and painful stage of blackmail, actually much worse than the other two. The kids may be told not to speak to him so and so on. If she is a sly one this can go on for months and even years. With digs and snipes about abandonment and selfishness. Not being there for the family. Like a true scrounger shes not getting paid so you are not worth her time but keeping all possible routes open she will always keep pressure on just in case you crack.

As I have been through this before (can you tell) it was harder than you ever imagined, because they have a VERY vested interest in keeping you paying. Some of the low down tricks scams and lies I was told would turn your hair grey.

In the end stages when the scales had fully fallen from my eyes It became I bit of a game where I would watch for the incoming tale of woe and I would have to counter move and dance round the story letting if sail by me. Dont crack. Just wash and repeat the benefits agency/charity spiel.

I realised I could either pay £500 a month for a easy life* or fight back. I really recommend fighting back or she will be the leach in your relationship forever. If your partner cannot sign up for this and commit to helping himself I am sorry to say it will drag you down and the relationship with it.

*however my LBM was when i realised it was never going to just be £500... its was £500 and sorting out her phone bill.... then £500 and charging her electic meter .... then £500 and sorting out the leak from the loft.... £500 and realising i have not seen my OH for three weeks because she had me running around after her...... £500 and getting christmas dinner 'for the kids' ..... you get the idea...

Idiophreak

Jezminda wrote: »

I have to agree with this. If he won't change, can you put up with it indefinitely?

Oops, I read that as "infidelity" - but that's a WHOLE different thread

Millie2008_2

it has to stop now because we just cant afford it

So I would tell her this, with no excuses, embellishments, or anything else that might give her a "way back in". If she does ask, tell her it's more expensive than you thought to run a household..and leave it there.

You sound like such lovely people and it's not fair that this parasite could threaten your future happiness. When everything has calmed down, by all means treat the siblings, but leave it there and don't let her suck you back in

Running_Horse

Tell her to sod off.

Mupette

Oh dear seems she has lost her cash cow and will resort to lying and cheating to get the money.

I think to be fair get the father, and yourselves and go around there and ask to see all the paperwork, and bank statements to see where her money is going to.

As for having mobility problems and walking the dogs 5 miles a day, wow i wish i could do that.

She has had it easy with a son earning money and living at home, and now he has flown the nest she is still grabbing the money.

Your poor relationship, i would say you are a kind hearted woman, i would of been a bit abrupt earlier in the relationship about it.

debsue

I feel if she is saying that she cannot afford to feed her children or heat her house then you need to tell you will have a chat to social services to see what help they can provide. If there is no food or warmth they become "children in need".