Boyfriends mum keeps asking us for money

saveforthefuture

MandM90 wrote: »

Perhaps offering it will shock her enough to stop asking; she might be a bit taken aback if you say "if you are struggling to feed them, house them and clothe them consistently, can you really keep them? We could take them for you"

Also agree with buying food and insisting on putting it away...if she does have it, she may become too embarrassed about the hassle of it...the same with electricity etc. If the kids need something and she has no money perhaps even be as direct as "Well what have you spent it on...we know you get X a week" She isn't paying her council tax or housing, has numerous handouts and is constantly begging for money. I agree, something is amiss!

Also, just wanted to say I can sympathise. DW paid everything for her mum while she lived there, even put off uni because her mum pretended to have cancer among other things and still DW wants to buy her things - we had to buy her a gift, pay for all her transport costs and hotel fees and buy her food so she could come to our civil partnership - but recently she's really realised just how much her mum "extracts the urine". She was telling everyone that would listen that DW didn't send her a card or present which is true, yet not so bad when you consider that MIL doesn't even ring or send a card on any of our birthdays including DD and we send all the kids, of which they are many, gifts on Christmas and birthdays. Some people are just born scroungers. Her family constantly say things like "it's alright for you, you're rich" when we scrape, save and work bl00dy hard to send DD to private school, live in a nice area and stay in the black.

Im so glad we arent the only ones in this situation ( well not glad that you have had to deal with it too, but you know what I mean! ), I have tried to give the benefit of doubt at every opportunity but when things just dont add up what do you do? I dont want to be the cause of conflict between OH and his mother but I have 2 little ones to think about and the more overtime I do to just pay our day to day living costs the less time I get to spend with them.

*Louise*

You and your OH sound like a lovely couple and I do think it's sweet that he cares so much about his mum and siblings.

However, he has woken up and realised he is being taken advantage of, but the hardest part is stopping, especially for someone who is a bit of a softie when it comes to family asking for help. (I don't mean that in a bad way)

His first problem is that he never asks for it to be paid back, does he? If his mother thinks it doesn't need to be paid, then she won't curtail her borrowing. He has to start treating it like a loan and remind her that she has to pay the money back. Keep a list written down to keep track.

(For example, my brother has borrowed money from me, I say sorry I can't loan him any more as he still owes me X amount, so he doesn't ask now )

If she won't accept help making a budget then she obviously doesn't want you to know her incomings and outgoings - try pointing her in the direction of the SOA calculator on this site.


The part that worries me is that she went to your OH's dad, and lied about her own son leaving her in debt in order to wheedle even more money. :mad:That would make me lose sympathy for her and your poor OH must have been hurt by that.

Oh - and definitely get the contract phone lowered if you can!

*Louise*

Thinking about the suggestion that people have said about her perhaps gambling - could you ask to use her computer for a few minutes then discreetly check the history for bingo/gambling sites?

Her money must be going somewhere, it's obviously not being used for the bills first.

Lotus-eater

I'm pretty sure that most of the stuff she has said is lies. Almost all tbh.

I think it's difficult when a man has 2 women in his life, he has to choose, one or the other.

Marisco

saveforthefuture wrote: »

If she is able to talk her 5 dogs for 3 mile walks each day

:eek: If she got rid of 4 of them, she'd have a canny few quid more each month!! I've got 2 cats and know what they cost each month, and I imagine dogs would cost much more!!!

tea_lover

I'd picked up on the comment about the dogs too. I realise this won't be the most popular of opinions but personally I'd be encouraging her to get rid of them. If she claims she can't afford to feed her own children, then she certainly can't afford to look after 5 dogs. Particularly on benefits.

FWIW, I think the welfare state is one of our greatest achievements. It needs adjustments, but the basic premise of it is wonderful. I'm more than happy to support people who cannot work through illness/disability, or who genuinely cannot find work (temporarily). However, as a taxpayer I really do resent paying for someone else's pets!

Desperado99

I think your OH sounds lovely, and obviously takes his family responsibilities seriously. He made sure while he was still living with his mum that he paid his way, BUT now his family responsibilities have changed his mum needs to stand on her own two feet and live within her own means.

Next time she asks for money, he should just say he hasn't got any, or that he can only spare a fiver.

If she does say that she can't afford to feed the kids, maybe you could invite them over for tea (and then feed them something nice but cheap to make).

Caroline_a

As a dog lover, even I would say that 5 dogs is far too many, particularly for someone who isn't working!

I think that your OH needs to sit down with his mum and say ok, if you are going to continue asking for money it cannot continue, so he will make her a plan to work from. As some people have said it may be difficult for her to budget so start with a basic budget for her, do it in a spreadsheet and say that unless she fills it in then he can't help her. Then project forward for, say, 6 months, with each month lowering the amount he will help her with.

If she is gambling then more fool her, but she will see where her money needs to go, and he will see that she should be able to afford to live. Of course once the kids grow up she will lose benefits for them too... what then?

Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

paddy's_mum

saveforthefuture wrote: »

she will just ....spend that money on whatever it is she is spending it all on

Until and unless you get to the bottom of just what her money is being 'thrown away' on, your relationship, your hopes, your plans and your dreams are going absolutely nowhere.

Does her son even realise that there are three people in this marriage? :eek:

eddi

saveforthefuture wrote: »

Im so glad we arent the only ones in this situation

You're absolutely not on your own I can tell you that for nothing!

*Louise* wrote: »

Thinking about the suggestion that people have said about her perhaps gambling - could you ask to use her computer for a few minutes then discreetly check the history for bingo/gambling sites? Her money must be going somewhere, it's obviously not being used for the bills first.

That was one of my first thoughts too. If you can find a way to check the history it would be good. If the suggestion of using the computer is unpopular then there's something being hidden.
And look out for things like those phoning/texting in competitions that cost abt a £1 each time. Doesn't take long to rack up a hefty bill trying to make a quick buck. I had the home phone barred from premium rate calls when my mum started ringing them every day - thankfully I caught it after only 28 quid. I was not popular for a while and periodically afterwards (usually when someone couldn't vote on things like Xfactor and Strictly) but I have thick skin and a strange propensity for going deaf sometimes

There's loads of excellent suggestions people have posted that I would wholeheartedly agree with. For my own part I would say I think it does end up having to be tough love. Your OH is doing what he thinks is right and people should look after their families where they can. But that's just it - where they can. I think offering to help with a budget is excellent... though it might have to be suggested through gritted teeth and await the fallout. How old is your MIL? (apologies if I've missed it). Maybe you could add up an average of how much money she has had every month and all the arrears etc and work it out up to the age of 80 or so and see if that one figure shocks her. It will be thousands and thousands and thousands. You might even find it a shock yourself.

Oh, and 5 dogs :eek: :eek: I've always said that I'd rather my cats ate before I did if I was hard up. My two were expensive enough and that's just 2 little cats. Animals are an expensive business. What if any of them need treatment at the vet or anything? That's something else you'll have to pay for.

I feel for you I really do. Best of luck. ((hugs))