help. I feel like an alien.

whitewing

Do you avoid situations where people may be negative towards you?

Do you feel that how you behave doesn't match how you feel?

Do you ever flip or worry that you will flip inappropriately in a business environment?

I would be better at observing and interpreting a video as it's easier to be emotionally detached to something I am not experiencing at the time.

Hanging_by_a_thread

chocolate_dream wrote: »

I'm sorry, but I really really do. I remember when I was a kid and everything I did was wrong, my parents always told me off and made me go to my room to think about what I had done. I did but I seriously never could figure out what the problem was, ever. I would have thought my parents were being unfair but at school I never had friends although I wanted them. I used to think I came from another planet and couldn't understand people at all. It's like everyone else understood what was wrong and right and I never did. Now I'm an adult, I am well educated and successful but still socially there are real problems. The thing is that as I get older the problems are more and more ingrained and debilitating. I don't think people dislike me as such but at the same time no one actually likes me either. I can't form friendships or relationships and I know it must be me, it's too consistent to just be a matter of circumstance. I think I'm dull and have nothing to say and a complete freak. When people talk I always feel like I'm looking to someone else to show me how I'm supposed to respond or feel about a situation so even when I listen I don't think I really ever understand like I ought to. I really don't think that's normal but perhaps it is. I know I'm going on, I just don't know what's wrong with me but I know something had to be. I feel rejected by everyone. I'm isolating myself more and more as being around people is just constant rejection now and I just can't cope. I know it's no one else's fault. I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked to my doctor, nothing really seems to make any progress.

This is the stem of your problems. Your parents didn't parent you, or guide you or teach you any form of positive interaction. They made you feel as if you were always at fault. You couldn't work out what was wrong as a kid because the problems and issues didn't lie with you, they lay with your mum and dad.

It prevented you from knowing how to form friendships at school and all through your life. You have done well for yourself academically, partly because I imagine you hid yourself away and spent all of your time on your own studying and learning. To be honest this could have been written by a cousin of mine a few years ago, word for word just as you have.

In the end he found his whole existence so crippling that he sought counselling. Gradually he began to see a way forward and has now been happily married for a year. Its never to late to turn your life around. I would contact your gp and see if you can be referred.

chocolate_dream

meritaten wrote: »

It means you dont feel 'connected' . either to the world or people or things around you. Its a bit of a blanket term - but seems to describe what you are feeling.
It is possible to diagnose Aspergers in adults - go back to the GP and ask for a referral to a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist specialising in ASD. or Autistic Spectrum Disorders. dont let the wording scare you hun - this covers a large range of disorders - from fairly mild to severe.

and tell your GP that the 'successful' life is outward trappings - Inside you are suffering!

Thanks. I don't think I'm disassociated, but the aspergers thing is certainly not out of the question. I am scared about the prospect of having it. It sort of really does make you wonder what the world looks like from the perspective of someone who doesn't have it. you gp your whole life thinking that your brain is wired in a relatively similar way to most people's, then realise it's like a whole chunk of your brain which ought to be there simply isn't. I have to admit, although I really don't want to admit, perhaps I really do think about myself too much... you never really know what too much is without being able to get into someone else's head and see what actually is normal though. I think I am interested in people, but not much else. I'm especially bad with small talk. Descriptions are lost on me. Wouldn't t be fascinating if you could spend 2 mins inside someone else's brain.

What I really appreciate on this thread is that of all the threads I've contributed to, this is the one where I really was desperate for help. What I love and appreciate and am also embarrassed to admit that I'm surprised about, is that this is the thread where more people have responded than any other. I think it says a lot about human nature and I appreciate it so much. I guess partly I'm scared of people because I half expect them to respond badly to me but everyone here has been so friendly and helpful.

geoffky

If i was you i would try something completely outside of the box like dangerous sports and stuff like that to see if it is just you repressing your personality and there is a amazing one in there just waiting to come out but needs that adrenalin buzz.
The above could be bollox but at least you have had a go..

hightara

chocolate dream,

just a suggestion, as one of the other posters have mentioned, it may be a personality disorder, i have bpd (google it) with chronic depression,

i also have a child whos autistic, but although some of your traits are similiar, i think you really need to get this addressed for your mental health.

sending hugs

chocolate_dream

whitewing wrote: »

Do you avoid situations where people may be negative towards you?

Do you feel that how you behave doesn't match how you feel?

Do you ever flip or worry that you will flip inappropriately in a business environment?

I would be better at observing and interpreting a video as it's easier to be emotionally detached to something I am not experiencing at the time.

To Question 1: yes, to question 2: I feel that I'm not great at articulating myself, so my words and tone are not representative of what I'm thinking or what I'm trying to express and I'm ashamed of that. To 3: I don't worry about the work, I think if I flip it would be in a personal side of my life. 4: I'm amazed at how differently I/one can view a situation when watching it on a screen.. if only it was always that easy.

whitewing

This is borderline personality disorder, as described by mind :http://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/borderline_personality_disorder

whitewing

Do keep an open mind though. It is easy to read stuff online and screen what you want to read or what fits.

chocolate_dream

hanging by a thread - you may have a point, my mum had a lot going on in her life, she was effectively screwed up by her mum who was later diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and although I think she was fine bringing up sons she struggled with a daughter, that's my view. Dad was in prison (political reasons in communist country) and then I didn't see him for 18 years so he had no influence. My point really is that at least to some degree my view, though perhaps incorrect, is that there were parental issues, but not necessarily anything I would blame my parents for as perhaps they acted as well as they could under the circumstances. I didn't lock myself in my room studying, I thought I was too stupid so didn't see there was anything to achieve by studying. I came top in my class at GCSE which I assumed was fluke, and I still believed I was pretty dumb.. when I got straight A's at A level... I then just thought I was good at passing exams and had picked easy A levels (Maths, Chemistry and Physics). I still do think I'm dumb, I may know how to pass exams but that's just jumping through hoops really, there's so much more to life than that, there are so many people who can see all the riches of life and all the little details and are able to convey them. In my view that is real intelligence.

VfM4meplse

I can appreciate you're difficulty OP - but reading this thread has made me laugh, suddenly everyone's a doctor and ready to leap in with a diagnosis! Stick with your own GP, it's unlikely that you're going to be able to shop around until you find someone that agrees with you. I personally think you have far too much insight and self-awareness for Asperger's to even be a consideration. But you are undoubtedly feeling down, with good reason.

Joining social groups etc will of course help, but given the workplace scenario you described, I think it would be a good idea for your line manager to help you find a mentor higher up within the organisation. The reason I suggest this is not for career progression, but to be able to offer some honest feedback to the struggles you're facing, and to perhaps help you with some of the softer skills required iin life? It will also serve as a worthwhile reminder that you are a valuable person, even though you may not always feel like it.