Moving near the other woman...???

persa

It may be reasonable to forgive the OW. It may be reasonable to live near her and be civil if you pass in the street. After all, you've forgiven your OH and he was half to blame for the affair.

But you know what? You don't need to be reasonable. You've been through a horrible time not of your own making and if living close to the OW makes you feel uncomfortable on any level despite not wanting it to make you feel that way, don't do it. A home isn't just about four walls, it's about how you feel in it - and if you're constantly thinking about the OW who lives round the corner, it doesn't sound like much of an upgrade to me.

Do what you think feels right, not what you think other people think you should do. You're certainly entitled to put yourself first for a while.

tea_lover

Another thought... imo, it's been a lot easier to forgive than forget. Yes I was angry, probably angrier than I've ever been in my life, but I think I always knew I'd forgive.

But forgetting? Not sure how that one happens tbh. And it would be even more difficult with such an obvious constant reminder.

peachyprice

Nope, no way, no how.

That is not a new start, that is putting yourself in a position where you'll be wondering what's going on everytime you leave your OH in the house alone.

That is putting yourself in the position where all the neighbours will know you as the sap who took her husband back after he was caught shagging Slack Alice at No.22.

That is putting your OH in a position of being easy prey for all the predatory females in the street who know he can't keep it in his trousers.

It may look like a perfect perfect home but it's only bricks and mortar, something else, without baggage will come up.

brokenlily

I personally wouldn't want to be in that situation, JMO. I wouldn't want to be reminded about it. It's hard enough to forgive and move on without the other party being a potential neighbour.

My boyfriend slept with the girl whose house he was going to move into (as a housemate) when him and I were in the early days of seeing each other (at the time we were not in a relationship yet - that stage :embarasse) anyway, after that happened, my BF said he wanted to be with me, in a proper relationship, and I said that if we were going to get together properly he could not move into her house. It would just have been too awkward for everyone, other girl included, and I wouldn't have felt comfortable going to see him in that house knowing that he'd slept in her bed whilst seeing me. So he found another place to live.

I know that moving into someone's house isn't quite the same, but I imagine the proximity might be uncomfortable for everyone if you do end up bumping into each other. An unwelcome reminder on all sides I think.

FunnySaving

Having not been in this situation myself, I can only go on what I have heard from others, but these are my thoughts:

1. If you and OH are determined to make a go of things then you will BOTH need to move on and get past his affair - whilst he may be saying that he will do whatever you want because he recognises that he was in the wrong, will living with a daily reminder of the guilt that he has, the hurt he has caused and the damage he has done to your relationship be something he can handle?
2. As another poster has said, forgetting is the hardest part of this kind of situation, and whilst you are feeling positive and trying to look ahead at the moment, there are bound to be points in the future where your resolve will waver and you will feel fragile, insecure and angry all over again - will being so close to this woman make that easier or harder to handle? Might you find that you are more at risk of dredging it all up again with your OH if you have seen her walking past on a day when you're at a low ebb?
3. What about your kids? They might be seeing the positives at the moment, but presumably this has been a difficult time for them as well - you might be able to rebuild your trust in your partner, but he cheated on them too by risking your family life for this fling. Will they, with all their teenage angst, be able to cope with seeing this other woman down the road? Might they feel as though they have to keep an eye on your OH when he pops to the shops etc?
4. How long have you been looking for somewhere else to live? Is there a chance that another house will become available and you will kick yourself for moving too soon?

These are just the questions that spring to mind reading your post, and only you can really say how you feel, but I hope that you are able to reach a decision which works for you. If all else fails, flip a coin - if it tells you to move and you're even the slightest bit disappointed, then stay. Likewise, if it tells you to stay and you feel a sense of relief then you'll know its the right thing.

Plans_all_plans

thatgirlsam wrote: »

Or moving into 'her vicinity' could be a great big statement to her

It could make the OW very uncomfortable!

What someone who went to bed wth someone else's husband?! I wouldn't say she'd be the sort to feel ashamed or uncomfortable at all.

paddy's_mum

whitewing wrote: »

At least the neighbours already know your husband.

I burst out laughing when I read this - my tea-and-biscuit spattered keyboard will never be the same again.

In OP's shoes, I wouldn't dismiss the chance of getting a house that 100% meets the family's needs and may become their forever home just because Lucy Lastic lives nearby. Perhaps it's time that she was put into the same cauldron of emotional upheaval and/or troubles to which she subjected the OP. OW might find she can't stand the heat and move. She'd have to be some Oscar level actress to pass by on a regular basis and not want to drop her gaze to avoid scrutiny.

One advantage of living where the "neighbours already know the husband" is that the OP would have 60 - 70 extra pairs of eyes watching the adulterers' every move - a kind of built in security, don't you think?

Perhaps having 'the wife' just around the corner would be a highly appropriate 'punishment' and a case of simple natural justice if ever I saw one. :rotfl:

Good luck, OP, and I hope it all sorts itself out very soon.

red_devil

i cant believe you havent mentioned your husbands thoughts in all this. This isnt just your concern is it?

Plans_all_plans

She has red devil, in post number 10. Basically, he's said it's her decision.

brokenlily

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

What someone who went to bed wth someone else's husband?! I wouldn't say she'd be the sort to feel ashamed or uncomfortable at all.

Well I don't think that's necessarily true. Not all women who have affairs with married men are brazen hussies. It takes two to tango, there are two guilty parties in an affair.

How many of us on here have done things that we thought were OK at the time but then have later regretted or felt embarrassed about them and come to see them as mistakes? It is not impossible that a woman who had an affair with a married man may come to regret it and be ashamed.

My mother had affairs when married, and also had affairs with a couple of married men. At the time, she certainly didn't seem to care much, but now, she feels differently about what she did and the reasons why she justified it to herself. That doesn't make what she did any better, but she would be very ashamed now to bump into the wife of the man she was with on and off for several years and be reminded of behaviour that she now knows was very wrong.