Moving near the other woman...???

euronorris

I am wondering, is part of the pull of moving there to try and prove to yourself, your husband, and the OW that they have not broken you, and that you are stronger than they perhaps gave you credit for? If so, that is another reason (IMO) not to do it. If you really were strong enough to deal with it, and over the affair you wouldn't feel the need to prove anything to anyone.

IF the above is playing a part in the decision making, I think it would be wise to try and remove it from the equation.

Another thing I thought of, that needs consideration, is not so much that temptation would be in his way, but..........(worst case scenario here) what if he did cheat again, with her, and then left you for her? You'd be stuck in a house, just doors away from both of them whilst you're trying to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

Please consider this long and hard, and discuss with a therapist/counsellor if necessary.

*Louise*

I just can't help thinking that there's no way a woman who would befirend you, lie to your face and convince you you were imagining things is going to feel in the slightest bit awkward about you moving closer - she's got way too much of a brass neck by the sounds of it.


You're proving yourself strong by getting over it.....be careful you don't try and prove too much

Bogof_Babe

Besides, the affair only ended because he got caught. How can that fill you with reassurance that he has realised how stupid he was and how reckless to risk losing you, the most important person in his life? Did he give you any reason for becoming involved with this woman in the first place? People who are 100% happy don't take chances like that.

Mine complained that I was away all the time, which was true as I was spending time with my elderly mother prior to her death. He felt neglected and miserable, and was a sitting duck for a predatory woman who befriended him at work. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, he justified his involvement to himself that he was "not feeling married anymore". Has yours given you any reason other than "a mistake"?

Like you, my OH's fling only ended because I found out, and even then he hankered after her for another year, right up until she finished working at the same place as him. All the time he was telling me I had nothing to worry about, and all the time he was still in the grip of this "thing" - fascination, obsession whatever. I don't want to put doubts in your mind OP, but I think a little less blind trust is appropriate at this stage. Reading between the lines, you desperately want to believe that it's over, so you're only too happy to take his reassurances at face value.

I can't believe a genuinely repentant husband would countenance any question of moving near his "ex" lover, and the fact that he didn't immediately say "oh no, I think not" speaks volumes. Surely he wouldn't be so thick-skinned not to realise the implications for your happiness, apart from anything else. I bet he's already weighed up the possibilities of seeing her again, even if he swears he doesn't want to re-start the affair.

If this woman is a mutual friend she would have all the more opportunity to cause trouble, under cover of "befriending the new neighbours, because I know them". We don't know her situation other than what you've told us, but it's unlikely she won't have any connection with the schools, shops, bus stops, post office you might use if living in the same road. It would only be a matter of time until an ugly confrontation occurred. Don't kid yourself that it wouldn't be ugly either.

Please think it through OP, without the blinkers on, and read some books about affairs and the outfall from them. I'm sorry but I think you are so desperate to forget and "get over" the whole thing, that you may unwittingly set yourself up for more heartbreak.

Oh and it's deeds not words that you need from your husband, over a much longer period, and even then don't let your guard down. I won't, ever again.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Something else has occurred to me.


If he decides from bumping into her at the corner shop, walking the kids to school, whatever, that he has made a huge mistake and he wants her after all - are you really going to feel so happy about him living happily ever after a few doors down the road and kissing her goodbye in the morning as your child pass? Buying a bottle of wine on Valentine's Day 2013 in the same shop as you buying your microwave meal for one? Talking about the lovely romantic break away they had, in your next door neighbour's garden in the summer, as they are good friends.

make_me_wise

FatVonD wrote: »

While in theory I'd usually be all for wrestling back the control I really don't think that's what you're doing in this situation. Truly moving on will happen when you have the opportunity to turn up on her doorstep holding your husband's hand but you can't actually be bothered because there are more important things in your life.

I think it would be madness to move there, I've not read your other thread but from the little that's been quoted on here you already know that she's not a nice woman. Not only did she befriend you and sleep with your husband she also had you doubting your own sanity, what else is she capable of? I don't just mean sleeping with your husband again, what if she starts her own little vendetta against you, what if she has friends there that join in and make your life a misery? What if those friends have kids that bully your kids? What if you get things thrown through your windows, tyres let down, cats poisoned? What if she gets a burly new boyfriend that thinks your husband is taking the pish moving close and decides to let him know?

Move on and have a lovely life without her in it

Excellent advice given by FatVonD. OP you say you are happy together and moving forward and that 'these things happen'. Except in happy, strong relationships they dont.

You sounded unrealistically okay about all this, till you mentioned moving down the road from the woman who your husband had an affair with. I cant help but think you have a need to rub her nose in it and show her that you are the one your husband chose to stay with. Why else move near her? If you personally were okay with it all then surely you would stay far away from her. Its almost like you want to test your husbands commitment to you.

Its a dangerous game you would be playing and it could very easily backfire. The OW isn't the main person who betrayed you. She hadn't made vows to you or owed you any loyalty whatsoever. It is your husband who is most at fault here. He didn't admit to you about the affair, he was caught out and then came home with his tail between his legs, which to me speaks volumes about him. I'd trust him as far as I could throw him personally. He doesn't deserve your trust and if you move near to his 'affair' I think he will betray it again.

globetraveller

"I have been referred for counselling, and am waiting for an appointment, he did offer to go relate with me but i dont want to go with him, i want to see a counsellor alone, i truly belive that if we are trying to move forward then seeing a counsellor together wont help as it will just bring it all up again."
Did you ever go to your counselling?Or are you still frightened of what I highlighted you said? Has the cancer gone from your child-when your husband got fed up with you for neglecting him? You really have been through the mill. I think you deserve better but thats easy to say, I know. Who is to say that it can't work out now with your OH. Perhaps he has had a wake up call. Make it easier for both of you. Let go of the past and don't visit it every day.
I really wish you well in whatever you decide to do.

peachyprice

I think OP by now is sitting with her eyes closed, fingers in her ears going 'la la la not listening'

She has it in her head that this is a sign of how strong she is and how over her husbands affair she is, but TBH, I think it's all going to come tumbling down. If all it's taken to get over it is 7 months I think she's in complete denial.

Hey ho.

ska_lover

OP, I understand how hard can be to find a decent HA or council exchange from past experience. However, I feel that this house move would be bad for you..for your mental health. If it were me, I would simmer up every time I saw the woman, it is still pretty raw it was only a matter of months ago. I must hold vendettas, but If I saw a woman who had an affair with my long ago ex 15 years ago, I would still bubble up.

If your house is well maintained, another one will come along, which will be right for you and your family - sit tight for now.

kazmc

Hi OP,
Curious to know if you have you made a decision yet??

daisiegg

Have read this thread with interest and mixed feelings.

On the one hand, you can have huge and sometimes unexpected emotional reactions to places. My boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me. It was particularly horrid in that I used to even give him a lift over to this girl's house to play computer games - only to find out later that he'd been cheating with her (it's not as crazy as it sounds but it's a very long story and this is not my thread!). We did split up when I found out but after that I couldn't go anywhere near her house without freaking out. Also, when I was about 15 I had a very very unpleasant experience with a boyfriend at the time, and for years I literally couldn't go to the part of town that he lived in. Even now, 10 years on, when I haven't seen him for 10 years and the memories of what happened have really faded, I get a physical panic reaction when I drive past the street where his flat was. Ok, the difference with you is that I was very young when both of those things happened, and both ended badly - whereas you have resolved your problems happily. But even so....you can react in funny ways to things you don't expect. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to live on the same street as my OH's ex - even though I've never met the woman and they split up 6 months before I met him!!

On the other hand...I live in a small cul de sac with 20 houses. I live at the furthest point so have to go past almost every other house to get to ours. I can honestly say that I have seen the people who live in the houses on either side of mine, I have seen a man from one house about 8 doors down who sometimes leaves for work at the same time as OH...ummmm...once I saw an Indian girl sitting in a room with the curtains open as I drove past her house, about 11 doors down... oh and every now and then I see a woman with curly red hair in a people carrier who may or may not actually live in the street. The rest I literally NEVER see! Honestly, every one of my workmates could be living in my street absolutely unbeknownst to me, because I have no clue who lives in the houses. So, 20+ houses away doesn't HAVE to mean 'seeing her every time you leave the house' as some posters have said!

I do, however, agree with others who say that your OH should have input into this decision. If only so all the responsibility is not on you!