do you put a gift list in with evening invites?

jtr2803

Olokia wrote: »

Not just weddings, if I am invited anywhere that will cost someone else some money (BBQ's, parties) then I will always bring a gift (usually food/drink related). Exception for this (not weddings) is when its family.

I also do, but I don't expect anyone else to, especially if it might be the difference between someone coming and not coming.

Like I said, I'm not trying to be argumental, I just find it hard to grasp and comprehend.

stir_crazy

jtr2803 wrote: »

Really? I'm quite shocked by that. I would rather someone come and share a part of our special day than worry about a gift, not everyone can afford to do both these days (and not just those coming from abroad).

I am really quite stunned by some of the attitudes posted on this thread in all honesty, maybe I am in the minority but I thought the idea of inviting people was so that they get to see you cement your relationship and love for each other, not because they should bring gifts. I do appreciate that most guests would like to give a gift and that they would also like some idication of what would be useful or enjoyed by the bride and groom and again, I don't have a problem with that when it's done in a discreet manner. I'm really not trying to be argumental but it really is that simple to me!

As a bride, I would not expect any one to come with a gift, and would be very grateful to receive one. As a guest, I would agree with Olokia and I would feel rude if I turned up to a wedding/ BBQ/ party/ housewarming, etc without a gift.

Edit: Also, I dont think I know anybody who would not go to a wedding just because they couldn't afford a gift. I've seen plenty of examples where people have made gifts or gotten a gift after the date to save money or to make it a bit more special or personalised.

lisajane8482

stir_crazy wrote: »

As a bride, I would not expect any one to come with a gift, and would be very grateful to receive one. As a guest, I would agree with Olokia and I would feel rude if I turned up to a wedding/ BBQ/ party/ housewarming, etc without a gift.

Edit: Also, I dont think I know anybody who would not go to a wedding just because they couldn't afford a gift. I've seen plenty of examples where people have made gifts or gotten a gift after the date to save money or to make it a bit more special or personalised.

We personally won't be asking for any gifts or money with our invitations and we are honestly not bothered if our guests do or do not bring gifts (well I'm not, can't honestly vouch for OH :rotfl:) as the reason we have invited them is so they can share our day.

If some were to ask if there was anything we would like then the we would likely ask for either gift vouchers or money.

I have only been to a couple of weddings where there was either a gift list or a money poem but always take something as a gift usually cash or champagne wether I am an evening or day guest, and I have been asked in an evening invitation for cash via a little poem, which did not offend me.

JOHN1982

jtr2803 wrote: »

I also do, but I don't expect anyone else to, especially if it might be the difference between someone coming and not coming.

I think I have finally seen your side of the argument on this now. I was about to say "It's not a demand, it's simply information!". If someone wants to get us something, at least it'll be something we need. If they don't, then that's brilliant too.

Until seconds ago I was thinking "Why would anyone see a gift list / cash request and decide not to come?".

I can now see that some people may then worry if they can't afford or didn't want to buy a gift and may be ashamed / annoyed enough to not come to the big day.


I honestly don't think anyone we're inviting will think that way though.

melancholly

poddle911 wrote: »

it's Melancholly's example above that I'm struggling with - if you GENUINELY aren't expecting gifts, then why put in a gift list?!
(Sorry to chop your post Melancholly - i'm just using your friends as an example, not to single out your opinion )

i would always bring a gift to a wedding - always. i'd bring flowers or a bottle of wine when going round to someone's house. it's just the way i was brought up - you never come empty handed (plus you always write thank you notes!).

social etiquette dictates that most people will bring a list. in reality, most couples are expecting that. the way you phrase including the list is to make it clear you're not being demanding for the sake of all the people who get their knickers in a twist about it being rude!

i just genuinely expect some indication of gift list/charity donation/vouchers/honeymoon donation with the invitation...... it's just the way it's done, which is why i'm always surprised at the negative responses on here! it's commonplace/standard. just did a google and all the wedding etiquette sites agree:

http://www.youandyourwedding.co.uk/planning/advice/your-essential-wedding-etiquette-guide-8466
http://www.debretts.com/weddings/engagements-and-invitations/gift-lists/informing-guests.aspx
http://www.dummies.com/how-to/content/wedding-etiquette-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html
http://www.bridesmagazine.co.uk/planning/general/etiquette/2009/06/01/invitation-etiquette

i guess my point is that people can rant and rave all they want - this is how it is! (and i honestly find it easier - plus you don't have to physically take the gift to the wedding yourself - another bonus!)

74jax

jtr2803 wrote: »

Really? I'm quite shocked by that. I would rather someone come and share a part of our special day than worry about a gift, not everyone can afford to do both these days (and not just those coming from abroad).

agree agree agree

JOHN1982 wrote: »

If that really is the case, then there's no need to worry about presents, because there's no need for a reception.

I agree there is 'no need for the reception' in some cases, in ours however we can only have a limited number of people at the actual ceremony. Our 'reception' is for those who could not attend the ceremony to share in part of our day. It is not to come along with a present. Your comment reads as though if you aren't having a reception then find, but if you are then consider presents?

JOHN1982 wrote: »

Until seconds ago I was thinking "Why would anyone see a gift list / cash request and decide not to come?".

I can now see that some people may then worry if they can't afford or didn't want to buy a gift and may be ashamed / annoyed enough to not come to the big day.

Yes, this is how I see it. IF someone asks for a gift list, then they want to come and GIVE a gift. If they don't ask then they are happy to come without a gift, but you are giving them the choice. I totally agree people will generally ask what you want and bring a gift, but I certainly wouldn't be saying here's your invite and this is what I'd like (but only if you want to buy us something)


It is very very hard. My H2B and I genuinely don't want anything. And I mean that as in nothing (gifts, money or otherwise). After explaining this numerous times to people who just seem to want to part with their money, we both picked charities - I picked Stroke Foundation and H2B picked the RNLI - we have told people if they want to make a donation to these charities they can. Even with this people ask are we SURE we don't want anything.......

wanchai_2

We *may* do a gift list if people ask us, but not otherwise. We want our friends and family to share our special day - *if* they choose to give us a gift or cash, it will be much appreciated.

I wouldn't put a gift list in with an invitation, and DEFINITELY not with an evening invitation! No way Jose.

As a day guest, I wouldn't be offended to receive a gift list with a wedding invitation, but as an evening guest, I would be very annoyed indeed!!! :eek: I always give a nice gift or cash as a day guest, but as an evening guest I usually only give a token gift and even this should not be expected by the B&G.

sugarwalsh

This old chestnut always gets a big reaction. OP, I personally think it rude to receive a gift list with an evening invite. I think it is practical to receive gift list info with a day invite. I would never go without a gift, it is a way of wishing the couple well. If I have been asked for cash I tend to wait until after to send something which relates to the day. I am often asked to do the wedding cake too, so that is my gift. I am in agreement with idio on this subject.
Megan

JOHN1982

I just must not get offended very easily. If I saw a gift list or money poem I see that as a "if you want to" not a "do this". That would even go for an evening invite.

If, however, it was a "You owe us this much for your meal" (which I've seen on here), I think that would be a different matter. Then I'd have to weight up how much being at the reception / evening mattered to me.

DaisyFlower

I'd think it was very cheeky and grasping tbh, however i dont tend to go to weddings that ask for cash as its akin to charging an entry fee. Wedding lists should be discreet and only given when asked for.

Evening guests have already been excluded from the actual wedding so to then include a list stating what they should attend with is I think is very rude.