So the wife has racked up some debts - long post - advice needed!

coolcait

She buys treats, you buy treats. She shops, you gamble. So, on those levels you either accept each others little foibles, or you monitor each other's spending.

The food shopping and waste part of the story is more complicated.

You believe that the two of you could spend a lot less on food, and use a lot more from your store cupboard. She doesn't.

Your solution is to monitor her spending, give her a budget, take over control of the finances.

I wonder why you don't do the shopping, menu planning and cooking - within budget?

Why don't you?

victory

Why don't you make it come across as a challenge? A game? A competition between you? Get the 'I can do the weekly shop for x amount can you idea going?' That way it is not dictator ship, not a command or a demand but lighthearted and fun, grown up fun hopefully showing her by the end of the week that the shop can be bought for x amount and yes you have eaten well and drank fine, all it needs is bit of careful planning, ingenuity and not money thrown at it....

Set a top amount to spend each and see what comes of it.

I still think honestly if you have all the monies sorted and along comes your wife that knocks down the beautifully arranged money tree you should take the full reins for now, why let both of you go down?

Lotus-eater

To me it seems a little strange you are talking about kids, yet still talking about mine and hers money.

Someone (you) needs to take charge of all the money and get an overview of the whole thing, then use your (both of yours) money in the best way. Atm, that doesn't include gambling, nor buying things you don't need.

I'm not saying you should pay off all her debts. But if she can't handle her money, you need to.

terra_ferma

I find something really odd about this relationship, someone who has a gambling habit, talks about his wife like she was a child, to the extent of setting up a system using stickers as a reward.
If you continue to treat her like that, she'll never take responsibility for her own finances.
Also why not take the opportunity to do something together and you stop gambling while she stops spending too much money?

Also, if only people who plan for it, and do it when they feel are ready had babies... how many would? There is never a good time IMO, having children is not like setting up a mortgage, or needing a special licence that qualifies you as a good parent.

poorly_scammo

Can I make a suggestion?

Might it be a good idea for you to stop gambling? I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong by having a flutter online but by making this sacrifice you can show some solidarity with your wife. A kind of 'we're in this together mentality'? "We'll tackle the debt together and I'll stop gambling online" as a kind of incentive?

I appreciate that my comments aren't the most coherent that I've ever posted on here but my feelings are that she may feel that if you are gambling, however small the amount, she can spend too even though she is the one in debt.

With regard to paying the debts off - it's a difficult one because as other posters have noted, there is no guarantee that she won't start spending again.

You mentioned that there have been suicides or attempted suicides in the family - She needs help to deal with this.Your comment about just having to deal with the events which have gone before is wrong in this context as her pain is being demonstrated in spending. She hasn't moved on and doesn't seem to be dealing successfully with what has happened and I think the comment about not wanting to be in the house is telling. She needs some theraputic help and some hobbies by the sounds of it.

I've no financial strategy to recommend as I think that unless the psychological reasons for her spending are addressed, nothing will change.

Just also to mention, that I apologise in advance if anything above is exaggerated or insensitive. I can only go on what you've posted but she seems a very unhappy woman to me.

paddy's_mum

poorly_scammo wrote: »

unless the psychological reasons for her spending are addressed, nothing will change ....she seems a very unhappy woman to me.

I couldn't agree more with this viewpoint. This is all so much more than a few pairs of shoes or handbags - the huge and wasted stockpile of food says a great deal, in my opinion.

OP - you are trying to find a nice way of sorting out the problem but I suspect that you will only be putting a sticking plaster on a wound that will bleed the life of the marriage away.

Please don't bring an innocent child into this emotional and financial maelstrom until your wife, and you, have had psychological help and counselling. I suspect that you will shortly discover that this whole affair isn't simply a little blip but the tip of a massive and destructive iceberg of which you are only just now becoming aware.

I wish you luck but you may need to be prepared for some unpleasant truths to emerge.