So the wife has racked up some debts - long post - advice needed!

jojo_2012_2

TL;DR sorry

Pollycat

A number of things jump out at me from your post.

1. starting a family. I know you say you don't want her to see it as a punishment if you say it's not the right time but I do think you could make the point that if you do start a family your total disposable income is likely to drop. Either she'll be working part-time, paying a child-minder or will be a full time SAHM - and go on to say that her spending just couldn't continue in the same way as it is now. Therefore she has to change before even thinking about starting a family.

2. Your 'gambling habit'. Is she aware of how much you spend on your habit? Maybe she thinks 'Well, if he can chuck money away on sick horses (although you probably didn't know they were sick when you backed them :rotfl:), what's wrong with me buying a few bits.

3. I'm shocked at you spending almost £350 per month on groceries between the 2 of you, especially as you say she throws lots of food away.
Take a look at the Old-Style board.
You both need to learn to menu plan so stuff doesn't get thrown away.
E.g. don't buy smoked salmon unless you know you're going to use it.
Buy a bag of value peppers instead of a single pepper and use them in different dishes.
Batch cook and freeze.

I'm actually similar to your wife in that I love shopping too.
However, no designer bags, shoes or clothes for me.
I shop mainly in charity shops, yesterday I bought a little cardigan for £4.99 from British Heart Foundation and it still had the Rocha John Rocha price tag on for £42.00.

Instead of buying 'dozens of 500ml bottle of coke (why doesn't she buying bigger bottles, for heaven's sake?), I'll buy stuff that's on offer.
Maybe toilet rolls, fabric softener, cat food - I don't care as long as it's half price or BOGOF.
That's doesn't harm our budget - it helps it.

CH27

Could you sit down & help her work out a budget to use each month.
Within that budget set a certain amount for food & see if you can both stick to it. Write meal plans & shopping lists.

Allow her a treats amount too as well as personal spending.

If you do pay her CC off you need to get reassurances that she will not build it back up.
Instead of paying it off yourself could you switch it to a 0% deal & set up a schedule to repay it before the interest kicks in again?

Maybe you could set yourself a treats budget too so she doesn't feel as though just she is being restricted.

I think you need to get the debt resolved & the rasons for the debt & secrecy resloved before you start a family.

Good luck.

thunderbird

If you combined your finances do you think that would make her think twice before spending - as it wouldn't be just 'her' money that she was spending?

Definitely think you should ditch the credit cards and the overdraft.

onlyroz

It sounds to me like your wife basically has an addiction to spending. The usual treatment for addictions are to obtain some therapy to identify the root cause, and to hand over control to another (I.e. you) until the urges that feed the habit have gone away ( I.e. you need to take away her credit and debit cards, and provide her with enough daily cash to cover basic needs). But none of this will work unless she accepts that she does have a problem, and WANTS to change.

Curlywurli

How do you know she only has an overdraft facility of £250? Is she depressed? I went through a period of spending far too much when I'd had our second child, I never got us into debt but was just buying for the sake of it and it never made me feel any better. It sounds to me like you both need to sort yourselves out financially and mentally before you have children. You say you're better with money than her but admit you've got a gambling habit!

liney

If she is bored in the house alone, so goes shopping to relieve the boredom, then perhaps a membership at a local gym would be useful. A fixed monthly sum will cover a daily workout/swim/sauna etc, and might also improve her state of mind generally.

Sambucus_Nigra

Also, why does she fell that she needs to get out of the house; if she is working, then the house should be a home and somewhere nice to be, not somewhere to escape from.

Until she has her LBM....and realises what the problem actually is....not really much you can do.

victory

Hangtime I think your first post is one of the best well written opening thread posts I have seen in a long time on this forum. precise, concise and informative but is it though?

Precise? No idea of how much you spend on gambling...

Concise? It is hiding behind so much what are the words? Anger on your part, resentment, where you can read and feel you would gladly like to punch someone although you say many times you have an understanding of the situation and want a solution to the problem it comes across as you shaking your head in utter disbelief and wanting so bad for it to not be so....

Informative? How much does she spend a month on trivia, this and that? Why does your wife feel the need to have so much retail theraphy? Did you get all that sorted out or were you not dealing with it and discussing it so much so that your wife chose to shop rather than talk and find peace and help within the two of you and your marriage?

I agree it is now your problem as much as you agree that you wish it was not and feel negative thoughts about why you should hand over your hard earnt money that you saved for 'the bail out'.

There are many more reason to why your wife did not tell you other than because she thought you would be angry.

How long have you been married and has your wife always had issues with money and talking things through?

As for the children coming along, not fair on them unless your wife knows that when a wage gets dropped it is going to be a million times harder financially and for her 'entertainment' without such large sums coming in.

Errata

The wife wants a baby? Not only is she making no attempt to build up some savings to welcome a little stranger, she's so far in debt she's quite effectively sabotageing her desire. There will be a reason for that, and it's the reason that needs uncovering before the debt is addressed.