So the wife has racked up some debts - long post - advice needed!

Lotus-eater

I must admit, I wouldn't hesitate to use wanting a child as a reason to get this sorted out, once you have children you are stuck together even more, both emotionally and financially.

What she has is an addiction, who would willingly have children with someone who does?

And I can see no problem with telling her exactly that. This is a time that needs good honest talking, not some flowery it will be ok language.

sukysue

To be honest with you and knowing how strongly women feel about having children, I wonder how much of this behaviour is almost a sticking plaster on the 'can't have a baby yet cos he won't let me' wound.

tea_lover

sukysue wrote: »

knowing how strongly women feel about having children,

Massive generalisation there!

lady1964

I like the idea of an allowance for your wife, although I know she's working, she has to understand that a good proportion of her salary should go towards paying off her debts.

I'm not working as I've recently moved overseas with my DH and he gives me an allowance for my personal items, lunch out or clothes etc. I don't have debts so appreciate my situation is different but I know I only have X amount so spend each month. He puts the monthly amount into my bank account and it's up to me how I chose to take it out. We've just started this as we only moved last week but my plan is to divide the amount by 4 and take that amount each week. Anything left at the end of the week, I plan to put to one side and whatever might be left when he puts the next month's money in I can either save or spend as a bonus.

Would that work for your wife?

katerinasol

tea_lover wrote: »

Massive generalisation there!

Exactly, I feel strongly about not having children! :dance:

RAS

Can I suggest that if you are planning a family, you learn NOW how to live on one income. Because even if your missus goes back to work, a very high percentage of her income will be taken in childcare and related costs.

This has nothing to do with debt, just to do with common sense.

moneypuddle

I don't see it as threatening her with not having a baby at all... It's sensible. If she wants it she'd need to acknowledge that she (and you) would ideally be in a stronger financial situation than you are at the minute before considering trying. Plenty of people do that every day.

HangTime

sukysue wrote: »

I wonder how much of this behaviour is almost a sticking plaster on the 'can't have a baby yet cos he won't let me' wound.

Unlikely because we decided to start a family over a year ago and the spending has continued over that period (loan taken out about 9 months ago etc).

RAS wrote: »

Can I suggest that if you are planning a family, you learn NOW how to live on one income.

I know how to live as a couple on one income (plus savings), but she doesn't. I suppose if it was me who had the income, then I'd be in control of the purse strings though.

Pollycat

Hangtime
I really do think it sounds like you're flogging the proverbial dead horse here.

I read in one of your other posts (you were posting about this issue back in September last year) that supermarket spends on one of your credit card bills was £525. :eek:

That's an unreal amount for 2 people in one month (unless there was something major like a TV on there).

HangTime wrote: »

This is probably my #1 gripe, the amount of money she spends in the supermarket is absolutely ridiculous. She will do a 'weekly shop' spending about £80-120 but then also go to the supermarket say 3 additional times each week "just to get a few bits" which is normally around £10-20 each time.

In my eyes a couple shouldn't need to spend more than £80/week on food, OK fair enough sometimes the shopping will include alcohol or some kitchen utensils or whatever but there is literally no budget whatsoever.

If we ate everything we bought it wouldn't be so bad, but I would estimate at least a third of shopping ends up in the bin... not only perishables like bread/fruit but we literally have cupboards jam packed to the rafters (so you can barely close the doors) with tinned/boxed food which is constantly being added to before being cleared out every few months.

I try to work around this by answering the "what do you want for suppers this week?" question with "something out the cupboard" but she gets annoyed with that answer and there is always some problem, like "no sauce to go with the pasta", "you won't eat that", "I don't want that I need a proper dinner" etc.

I realise this is a bit of a rant but you guys probably don't appreciate the scale of this, there must be at least £300+ worth of food in the house at all times. Looking at the last joint credit card bill, there are 11 supermarket visits totalling about £525.

It's weird, I get the whole 'women like shopping' thing, but with her it seems to apply not only to luxury goods she is also addicted to going to the supermarket!

And she's still not acepted that she has a spending problem.

A few people have mentioned the food wastage and suggested meal planning but you've not commented on that.

If I were you I'd show her this thread and see what her reaction is - I think she needs a short, sharp slap in the face with a big dollop of reality.

I don't think all your reasoning and softly-softly approach to this is going to work.

HangTime

Pollycat wrote: »

A few people have mentioned the food wastage and suggested meal planning but you've not commented on that

Yes we are trying that again, I've also said lets just work through all the packets and tins in the cupboard and try to use them as the basis for a meal, only buying what needs adding. Even then the last shop was still about £56 for 5 days and excluded alcohol.

I just get frustrated because even if her habits do change I can see it being a bone of contention and causing stress for both of us, e.g. she'll feel like I'm checking up on her all the time, I'll sit around worrying about where money is going. Next month we are going to Paris but obviously spending money will all have to come out of my pocket now. If it wasn't paid for already I'd been inclined to cancel it so she could feel the impact of her overspending more. I feel like all my careful planning with money has been wasted, I am not perfect by any means but I have money saved up for important things (children, moving house, redundancy etc) yet on the other side of the relationship it has just been leaking out.

Don't get me wrong when we got married I knew I wasn't marrying Ms Martine Lewis and part of a relationship is about being tolerant of faults but the sheer scale of spending and fact I haven't found out the extent of it until such a late stage is concerning. Financially as a couple we do not have any immediate financial concerns but I was hoping to be in a 'good' position not an 'OK' one. It is difficult to make her feel the impact of her overspending without coming across as mean. Another problem is becuase of the amount of debt it will be difficult for her to see short-term benefits from not spending e.g. say she really clamps down and spends very little, even then it will still take her years to repay the debt. Also it means that I'll feel inclined to keep our joint spending down (i.e. not buying any new furniture, trips out etc) which I can afford to do but want to make sure there is a lid kept on her spending.

If I was on the big bucks and had a massively bigger salary than her I'd maybe feel a little bit different but over the course of our relationship her total salary has probably been higher than mine, currently I probably take home around £50-100 a month more than her on average, which is why I don't understand why she can't live on her salary bearing in mind all the joint bills (mortgage/council tax/phone/utlilities/food/petrol/presents/trips/etc) are split between us. I probably have around £500 disposable income each month yet she has clearly piled on the debt. I know some went to helping out her mother which is an incredibly difficult situation to approach because how much value can you place on family?