So the wife has racked up some debts - long post - advice needed!

Molly41

Kindness and counselling would be my advice.
Dont ever use threats, particularly a baby - you will live to regret it.

It sounds to me like she knows she has a problem but has yet to fully understand it. Hopefully you will find it in your heart to help her find her way.

Pollycat

Molly41 wrote: »

Dont ever use threats, particularly a baby - you will live to regret it.

I don't see this as a threat - more as a valid, sensible reason not to start a family until this whole debt issue has been resolved.

That means the OP's wife's apparent addiction to spending money, the OP's 'gambling habit', the total revision of the OP & wife's finances and the paying off of existing debts.

OP
it may help if you complete a SOA (Statement of Affairs) using this template:
http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

and post it on the DebtFree Wannabe board.

You'll get lots of great advice on how to cut your outgoings.

I think you should be able to cut a good £150 per month from your grocery bill which will go very nicely towards the £13K debts.

ikati5

Having read the post again an the responses to it, many of them very helpful, It might be that the wife is trying to compensate for something that is missing in her life.. Is it a baby, that would largely depend on her age group an how many of her friends have babies.

Counselling would be a good thing but expensive and difficult if the person is not willing. There are some really good sites out there about money and changing your attitude, which are different to being supported through debt sites.

FBaby

I think your wife should be grateful and appreciate what an understanding partner you are. Not many have a husband who not only is responsible for money, but prepared to support his partner who isn't. Of course your feelings are totally understanding and you are right to think twice about bailing her out.

Your wife has a problem.... she is addicted to spending. The fact she shops a lot for things that she doesn't need is a clear indication that it is very much an addiction. She needs to sort this out before she focusses on anything. Having a baby is only going to make it much worse, because for one she will be at home (for some time at least before she goes back to work), will feel even more the need to get out (you do feel isolated with a new baby at home, especially when you had busy professional life before), and temptation will be huge (bying baby stuff is often the most pleasurable for a new mum). This means she will be much more likely to want to spend even more having less coming in...

On that basis, I would definitely say that the baby plan has to be put on hold. It is the responsible thing to do and if she can't accept it, then she is clearly not facing the issue seriously. She needs to accept that this needs to be tackled. There have many messages here of people with similar issues having managed to pay off debts (by themselves or with some help) who said they learnt their lesson, and then started all over again behind a false sense of security once debt free. Until she can deal with the reason for her spending, she is not in a place to put herself at more risk of spending.

I would look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy rather than counselling. It is about learning the triggers that sends her shopping, and how to control those impulses. It is about learning skills to manage the problem, both emotionally and practically.

FBaby

By the way, my step-mother was like this and my dad, who worked hard and spent little spent his entire working life bailing her out. It got to the point when the bank would just transfer the money without even telling him (many years ago!!). It had endless talk with her, but she couldn't help herself. She did have many emotional issues. Thankfully, she came about quite a bit of money which helped. She is happier now and so has cut down a bit. She does still spend and spend (being very generous, she usually prefer to spend on others than herself), but she can now afford it so it is not a financial issue any longer.

Broomstick

Some thoughts:

Can you point your wife in the direction of this forum, especially the Old Style and Debt Free sections? Maybe she can get ideas and help from friendly 'strangers' Maybe she could do this instead of going to the shops one day... There are so many good ideas on Old Style about how to reduce spending.

You said that she was scared to talk to you, are you scared to talk to her about anything? Can you be vulnerable with her about anything you have been keeping secret for fear of her reaction, not necessarily to do with money? I'm just wondering if there is any way you can redress what looks like a power imbalance and become more equal in trying to sort stuff out for both of you, together and equally.

I've set myself a NSD (no spend day) challenge again this year and am putting a sticker on our wall calendar every day I don't spend money at the shops. I don't have out of control spending or a shopping 'habit' but do need to cut down spending even further and removing all temptation, however small, is really helping. Is there any way you could have a joint calendar where you both join in (and make visible) each of your 'no spend' days. That could include no gambling days/no pub days, or whatever, for you as well. You are not clear about whether you are still gambling. but you need to make that visible if you are.

My ex absolutely refused to start a family unless I stopped smoking. That was the thing that gave me the motivation to stop after years of trying. We split up during the pregnancy but I still don't smoke 22 years later for which I am very grateful! If your wife really wants a baby, setting boundaries about reducing spending, clearing debts and saving, might work but only if you want a child with her too, otherwise you might end up becoming a father and being trapped in a situation you never really wanted in the first place. Do you want a child as well?

B x

abacus73

I think it would be very wise to clear the debt. It is fortunate that you are in a position to do this. When I was reading your post and realised you earnt a decent salary and were careful with money I was thinking of suggesting this before you raised the possibility. I can understand that you feel unhappy about this.

There would be little point in taking this approach though unless an agreement is met over future spending, otherwise you may resent sorting the problem out, only for it to happen again. I think it would be fair to expect your wife to cut up the personal credit card and for there to be complete openness about what the joint card would be used for.

I would also gently suggest addressing the problems behind why your wife needs to spend money as she has been. Sometimes it can be a way of releasing depression or upset and anxiety. Ultimately as I am sure you can see it doesn't solve anything though and just adds to it all.

Judith_W

I don't think you can use the protection a credit card offers as justification for your wife to continue to use it as it is clearly too easy for her to rack up debt by using it. I doubt she often buys things that attract the protection it offers.

I agree you need to get to the bottom of her spending, but agreeing a repayment plan that includes a significant portion of her income towards the debt, and a specific amount for spending should be jointly agreed.

Whatever you do don't use the baby thing as a carrot but be honest and discuss how your joint income will drop and you will struggle with her debts.

Also, may sound mad but have you thought about getting a dog?! Get her out of the house and away from the shops and something to bond with before the baby.

LillythePink

I was like her but I hadn't lied to my oh he didn't ask so I didn't tell him. It came to a head when we inherited some money and looked to buy a house. Everything that we both owed was paid off (to the tune of 50k) and we both now have pocket money to spend on what we like.

I don't have a cc now as I know that I would spend on it even though I would promise myself that it would only be up to £100 pm which would get cleared by my pocket money but it wouldn't stop there. I can feel the pull of getting another card but I am resisting it.

She needs to close her account not just reduce the limit, whilst you see that as a positive move it isn't really as she is saying that she will spend on it again.

She needs to understand the effect the her spending will have on you as a family (when that happens) and what the consequences may be if she just spends and spends on the baby. The only argument she will use is that "don't you want your child to have/wear/play with nice things therefore you will be footing the bill again.............that would be my approach if I was in her position.

Gillyx

I've debated replying to this all day on and off, but I will try and tell my experience of it, although it is personal.

My mum had a lot of debt that my Dad didn't know about, they both worked and had a pretty good income and could basically buy whatever they needed, so how this came about noone knew. When he found out about it all and the interest rates involved he agreed to pay it all off, which he did. He then tried to take more of an interest in the finances and she couldn't handle it, not being able to spend £200 a week in Tesco (for 3 people) and left. He couldn't get a penny of that money back even when the house was sold as he'd gifted it "willingly"

She is now in a similar situation again, and is miserably making minimum payments and can't see a way out.

What I'm trying to say is, don't just pay it off and assume it won't happen again, as others have said you really need to get to the bottom of the reason she is spending so much. In my mums case I think she probably wasn't happy in her marriage and it was her way of coping, and afterwards with the stress of the split etc spending again to numb the pain/angst from it all.

Good Luck OP.