A typical 3yr old....

AimeesMum_2

This is what I said when she said about the crying. I am a weeper too - I even cry when people get put through on the Xfactor lol.

She is very outgoing but apparantly this shows unstability and a desire to be the centre of attention which is unhealthy at her age - I just thought she was a wee diva lol. Just feel really bad about it all x

Xaniwoop

I'd listen to what SS had to say, she has been through a lot and if she needs a bit of help then I'm sure you want her to have it. But I wouldn't let it get to you, none of this is your fault and you did the best you knew how. She may just have an outgoing and lively personality, she sounds just like my DD and plenty of others I have met at nursery, school and other groups so it's not unlikely. Also from what I've read being confident to go off with others is a positive attachment behaviour, she is secure in her relationship with you and trusts you not to leave while she's gone and so is confident to explore new things and be independent.

belfastgirl23

TBH I think you should have a word with the social worker and tell her that her comments have really concerned you and ask for some more detail and info from her. Either she is a nasty cow, in which case this will scare her a little, or she has proper concerns about your daughter, in which case you would want more detail.

I think the danger in your situation is that you are dealing with so much s**t right now that it is going to be really important for you to tell yourself the kids are ok. Someone telling you otherwise is going to feel very challenging and the automatic reaction that most people would have is to be defensive. Which I think you are a little. And understandably so, you are doing your very best in a horrible situation that is not at all of your own choosing. But maybe if you step back and ask whether she is genuinely motivated by doing good for your daughter it would help you get some perspective on the situation. That said she might also be a nasty cow...you need to try to step back and be objective on this.

I'm really sorry to hear about the hard time you're going through. Have you got any support for you personally - eg family and friends? Please don't bury this and try to deal with it on your own, you also deserve a helping hand.

kafkathecat

Just to echo JC9297 I know several children with Aspergers syndrome and their behaviour is very similar to that of your daughter. It is just something to consider and may well not be relevant. The children I have known with family difficulties have shown some similarities in behaviour but tended to be more manipulative. I'm not an expert, I'm just going by some children that I have known.

Peanuckle

I was in a very similar situation when my eldest children were about that age (they were 3,3 and 4 when my then husband attempted suicide for the umpteenth time and social services finally took an interest). Of the 3 of them all would have gone into the next room in the first situation, ie Mum was nearby and hadn't said no, the lady they knew said it was her friend and there were new toys on offer. I would have been more concerned if she'd been hanging onto your leg screaming at the suggestion tbh. As for the crying and arguing, one of the three would completely ignore both, the middle one would look to see if I was still sat down and ignore it if I was and only the eldest would have reacted and he would have just put his hands over his ears as he dislikes loud noises of any type.
As a few people have said, there isn't a "normal" reaction just one that is normal for your child so don't go beating yourself up over this, a lot of the social workers I dealt with followed their little books to the letter and couldn't accept that children have their own personalities and all deal with things differently. Children aren't stupid and can tell the difference between Mum crying a bit because of something said and Mum crying because they're in danger and this would therefore get a different response from most children.

As was suggested, ask the social worker what she meant by her comments if it's really bothering you but be prepared for an answer that doesn't make sense when you know your child properly, something she can't possibly achieve with the limited access that she's had.

jellyhead

Age 3 was the first time that my youngest agreed to go and play in a creche while I was in a meeting - before then he wouldn't have moved off my knee regardless of what was on offer.

I think children who go to nursery are probably used to going into other rooms without mum, or being looked after by people they haven't met before. If mum has taken them to this place and she doesn't say no to the child going off to play then the child knows it's safe and has mum's approval. It doesn't mean that the child would go off with a stranger in a different scenario, and I wouldn't think it was anything to worry about.

I thought you were going to say the opposite, that the child was too clingy. I got lots of comments about my clingy child, but all children are different. At age 4 they have to be taught by lots of school teachers they've never met before anyhow, so being confident enough to leave mummy's knee is a good thing I'd have thought?

What exactly is the social worker trying to say? Is she saying that the child has been damaged by too much exposure to adult issues and she thinks you should try to limit such exposure? If she's implying that your child has developmental problems (not caring when somebody is crying might be a sign of autism for example) then getting early assessment and interventions makes a big difference.

My eldest wouldn't have noticed if I cried or argued, but my youngest would. Both children are being assessed for autism at the moment, so I'd agree with other posters that there's no such thing as a typical 3 year old.

peachyprice

AimeesMum wrote: »

The lady never actually came into the room. The social worker started asking some questions about how I was feeling and I started crying, my daughter just continued playing with the toys that we brought to keep her entertained (social worker says this shows that she is used to seeing my cry - which isn't true). She has met the social worker twice now for quite long periods of time (about 2 hours both times) and the social worker asked if she wanted to go and play with her friend in a room that had lots of toys in it. She went happily (again apparantly this isn't normal behaviour).

I think that your DD's behaviour indicates that she felt you were safe with your OH and the SW, if she had been frightened for you she wouldn't have wanted to leave your side, if she'd seen arguments between you and your OH IMO she would have been very wary of him and withdrawn.

Children who have been exposed to abuse are more likely to clam up with strangers through fear than be chatty and normal. It's a basic indicator teachers are trained to be receptive to.

Same with the fact that she went off happily, to me that would indicate that she felt safe and felt you were safe.

When any of my children have seen me cry, and they have, they have carried on playing not really wanting to acknowledge that I am crying.

I don't really understand what the SW is getting at.

gsymoo

Did you have any concerns about your daughter before the social worker raised them? Three year olds all vary, my daughter would of gone off with anyone but my son was the complete opposite.
How much contact did the social worker have with your daughter before raising these concerns? With all the training in the world you can't label a child after one meeting. I'd ask for further clarification. Hope this helps.

mumto2loves

1)
i think my children would probably have looked at me and checked it was ok then gone off to play ok.


2)
I cry in front of my children, their reaction depends on the reactions of anyone else around. Eg, if i was crying at eastenders or x factor and my husband was sat laughing and callng me a plonker, they wouldn't probably be to bothered and would carry on playing. If I was very upset about something they would come and give me a cuddle, check I was ok. I think more so if my husband wasn't already consoling me.

3)

It doesn't happen often, infact very rarely, but if my husband and I have argued the kids normally just get on with what they are doing. Or come and stand and give me cuddle, I don't think they have been scared as such but i know they don't like it.

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Parents really shouldn't cry or argue in front of young kids; it really can have long reaching effects;..

i disagree with this statement, i think children need to see that their parents are human beings with feelings. If they were to grow up not knowing that its ok to be sad sometimes or cross or upset they could have even more long reaching effects. They need to be taught that all types of emotion is ok, and they need to learn how to express it in the proper ways.

carefullycautious

I would rather have a confident child that a whiny clingy shy child who you cant move away from.

Plus if you were weeping silently she may have been unaware you were even crying.

I think her choice of words is debatable too. Psychobabble most of it