MOOLOO'S continuing saga Part 4

Savvy_sewing

Still slowly mending. Luckily DGD has not succumbed to the bug.
I didnt sleep well, as she was crying in her sleep, and I wasnt sure if she was dreaming or in pain. But thats part of parenthood.
Breakfast time, then today is a busy day by default. However I am getting help today.
After taking DGD to nursery, I am going to Towcester to collect DS and one of his so called mates, and bringing them back here, and they are going to start to paint DGD's room.
Then its take Twin1 to her councilling, and also see mine.
Then collect DGD, and then return the boys. Seems like I will be driving a lot today, whether I like it or not.
The electric meter was charged up with the vouchers before the man changed it, so there is now a credit to be transfered to the new account. But if I use the same sort of amounts of electric, it should last me 10 weeks. So it will give plenty of time for the budget to be sorted, the benefit changes made, and the rest of the tweeks that will be needed when the guardianship is sorted out next week. Fingers crossed it will be done in the one day. Depends on who you ask, how long it will take. I just want the rubber stamp sorted now, not becuase of the money sides of things, but just so we can carry on our journey without 6 weekly visits from the SS.
Got to go, its time I had my shower.

Savvy_sewing

My day didnt go as planned, but its been a busy one. I did get to go to councilling and my son started on the bedroom. I feel as if I have done nothing much but drive.
Brackley-Towcester-Brackley-Towcester-Northampton-Towcester-Brackley-Towcester-Brackley, in that order!. about 100miles today. So no wonder my arm is killing me!.
I am at one of those stop and think days in my life. Not in a good place within my head. Was "angry" at the world and those around me this morning.
My councilling, family bereavement over the boys ends up talking about everything but. Although the guy is a really good one, as he gives me things to think about and to get my mind working.
My diary has taken quite a bashing of late.
Its a bit like reviewing things for the new year. Only trouble is I review them more often, and I revisit the same old problems time and time again.
Sometimes I think that my brain is going to explode with all of the things that it visits, and all of the issues that my life seems to have come across. Why me questions? I really seem so disjointed at times.
DGD is in the bath, her favourite place I think. I used to love a good old soak in the bath, but rarely do I ever indulge now. Its a shower. Perhaps I will just have to make the effort and heat up the room, stick some candles on and take a good book.

Sorry I am rather disjointed today. Brain is off on a tangent.
The wardrobe for DGD is finally up. Its Huge!. Now I want one.!
I am taking tomorrow "off". I am not going to go anywhere but to take DGD to nursery. Nobody due to visit, and told the children I am not doing anything for them.
If I do not get my strength back up, and my head back in a good place, I will end up back in depression, and I do not want to go there. Teetering on the edge and its not a good place too be.

minimoneysaver

Oh Mooloo that's not good. Do you think you'll be in a better place when the guardianship comes through for DGD? Maybe not having that signed and sealed is making you feel rather vulnerable at the moment, especially with all that is going on with the boys, but that is totally understandable. Take good care of yourself and take some 'me' time to do something that brings you pleasure. x

Savvy_sewing

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Oh Mooloo that's not good. Do you think you'll be in a better place when the guardianship comes through for DGD? Maybe not having that signed and sealed is making you feel rather vulnerable at the moment, especially with all that is going on with the boys, but that is totally understandable. Take good care of yourself and take some 'me' time to do something that brings you pleasure. x

Thanks,
I have always riden the ups and downs, sometimes well, sometimes not. I am sure it is apparant with my "threads".
The guardianship doesnt help. The should I? can I? should I change my mind? all that goes through my mind. The what ifs? and the same old questions.
I suppose getting that done and dusted would be a help. A way to move on, to get SS out of my world. One less thing to worry about. One less beuracratic agency to deal with.
But then if I want the children to get help, sorry, Young adults, to be able to get help, then thats another fight with the same agency just a different department.
I want to wash my hands of it all.
I want to find Me again. I want to walk off and do a Shirley Valentine.
Although I would take DGD with me. But somedays I wish things had been different. But now that she is with me, then I cannot imagine life without her. I changed my world for my family, but I do not like the world that I am in. The part of it that I am in.
But I can change that. I will change that, and it will be where I end up next. I dont mean by moving house, I mean by the presence I have within my own head and surroundings.
Maybe I will go off and live my Dreams still? Maybe I wont, but I am going to have to grab back the Mooloo before she is lost completely.
My family drain me. I love them all so much, but they infuriate me. I want to bash their heads together and tell them to grow up, to sort it out, to work it out themselves. I want to tell them to go away and only come back when they can be proud of themselves. But of course what would that do? I would feel guilty. I would feel that I had not done my duty as a mother.
I am damed if I do and dambed if I don't at times.
I could fill a book with the emotions and the world I live in. I keep saying I will write that book. But who would want to read it. Its far too depressing.
I dont have the time, I dont have the organisation and I dont have the faintest notion of how to write a book, but then thats not the point.
however I cannot run, I cannot do Shirley at the moment. I cannot sort my kids, I never will be able to. But can I sort my head out? Can I learn to walk away? can I loose the guilt? can I be loved and cherished and supported? can I be adventurous while I have any health left? Who knows.

thats the bad place I am in? no its not a bad place, its a brainstorming place. Its looking at the pebbles and then deciding if I want it, or if I can toss it in the sea.

sorry. rambling on.

Errata

Can I learn to walk away?

I think you've learned to take a step back. Reading your previous thread and this one it seems to me the twins and DS don't seem to lean on you half as much as they used to when you first moved into the cottage. They are becoming less reliant on you, although they still rely on you a lots Sometimes when you're in the thick of it all it's hard to see the small incremental changes.

Savvy_sewing

Thanks Errata. Appreciate that.

Savvy_sewing

Morning. Feel rather empty today.
Had some breakfast and taken DGD to nursery. Having another cup of tea, and then I hope I will be able to hang the washing out. Looks like a nice sunny day anyway.
I didnt get to sleep until after midnight, but I didnt wake as often.
I feel tired and could easily just go back to bed. But I need to tackle the housework, as its swamping me.
BF has not responded to my contacts today. Which is sad. Speaks volumes to me.

Savvy_sewing

Well I have had a quiet day. Stayed home. Washing went out on the line, but I didnt get around to bringing it back in!
DGD played in the garden and managed to loose her boomerang over the fence into the garden with the rotwieler and alsation. So I didnt ahve much hope of getting it back. But we were lucky about an hour later the man was in the garden working in his shed/garage and managed to find it before the dogs did.
Had help with dGD for a few hours today, Molly's daughter came over.
I got to go back to bed for an hours sleep.
Had a text from BF mid afternoon to say he hadnt had a minute to spare to read my messages. Not heard from him since.
Had a letter from the housing telling me I was in arrears. Except when i had rung them and sorted it out, I am actually not in arrears, I am £31 in credit. (They didnt take into consideration the Housing benefit that is due to my account, which is always paid in arrears!).
My water bill has arrived for the new year. £507.76p. So a increase in my monthly payments by only 77p. I can manage that one.
Ordered a film on amazon, splashed out and paid £1.35 for Shirley Valentine. Something that my councillor was likening my situation too. Havent seen it in 20 odd years so I will watch it again for the fun of it.
Tomorrow I am looking after my other granddaughter as well, so the two of them. Going to thier house though as it is easier to care for the baby there.
Thats as far as the plans go too so far.

Eager_Elephant

Hi Mooloo

Have you considered having a water meter fitted as I am sure you two together would not use £507 in one year?

Also if you are on certain benefits there are usually tariffs which reduce the amount you pay if you are on a meter also.

Savvy_sewing

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Hi Mooloo

Have you considered having a water meter fitted as I am sure you two together would not use £507 in one year?

Also if you are on certain benefits there are usually tariffs which reduce the amount you pay if you are on a meter also.

Yes I have thought about it, but as madam has a habit or playing with water, and has a bath at least once a day, along with a large paddling pool in the summer, and a very large garden that I wanted to cultivate, I am concerned that it would cost me even more. I tried to do one of those questions and it came out double!:eek:
I suppose when she is a little bit older and can understand that water is more of a cammodity then just a play tool, it would be easier.
I shall give it a bit more consideration though.

I have had a very long day. Been up since 5.45.
Was at Biggests to babysit by 7.30 this morning. Had both the girls as Twin1 is now saying that she has the bug that we had last weekend.
I cannot believe that the weekend is here already, and I am still not back on track and my eating is rather spasmodic.

this afternoon Biggest and I took the girls with us and went to try on wedding dresses. My she looked so beautiful in two of the dresses that she tried on. Well she looked beautiful in all of them, but one did make her look larger then she really is. She was thrilled to get into a model dress, (just about) that was a 10! she hadnt known the size of the dress. The lady just went and got it out.
But my, the cost were high. One I really liked her in the best was around £1300!!! eek.:eek:

I am very tired now. My eyes are tired now.
Tonight I shall be having an early night. DGD is eating her dinner now, and after her bath, I shall be getting ready myself.
My latest copy of Craftseller has arrived and so I have some reading material other then the laptop, too.