The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 11

365days

Read thru and caught up, so much to say.

I'm a lover of quotes and two spring to mind after reading the posts.

'Just as we outgrow a pair of trousers, we outgrow aquaintances, libraries, principles,etc, at times before they are worn out and times - and this is the worse of all - before we have new ones' G.C Lichtenberg

'You cannot become who you want to be by remaining who you are' Some wise person!

I hear your struggle crazymum, 2 years on and I would be lying if i said that I was 'sorted'. However, I always thought I was a sociable party animal, actually I'm not. I like my own company, I like reading, gardening, simple things. Things which I thought incredibly dull and boring people did when I was drinking! There is a theory that emotionally you are stuck at the age you were when you started drinking to excess. If you follow that theory we have a lot of growing up to do. Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself with kindness and care. That may be a new thing for you and it can be hard. You will change, totally, and yes that is very exciting but also pertrifying. Take time to find out who you want to be, explore possibilities, the world is your oyster!

Someone a few pages back asked @What do you drink when you go to the pub?' This made me smile. From 16 my life revovlved around pubs, I worked in them, drank in them, pulled in them, argued in them, cried in them, laughed and danced in them. Actually now I find them quite depressing places.....I do go to pubs for a meal, but what I call drinkers pubs are souless, sad places now for me. I suppose what I'm trying to say is there are other places to go than the pub. Nicer places, after 20 odd years of thinking a pub was the only place to spend my leisure time it is refreshing to realise that there are other places to be/meet.

I'm loving it here at the moment. Reminds me of where I never want to go back to, inspires me to keep at it and moves me to hear that others are taking their first steps.

Group Hug everyone!?

cleggie

Great post 365days.
Yes, group hug indeed!

crazymum_2

Thankyou to you all for staying with me.
I'm a bit cross with myself for my wobble last night, this is such a positive journey and one I need to continue.
This post is just something which I wanted to do - to share, to know I've shared and for me to look back on and remember my shame.

Unfortunately there is nothing I can drink nicely - when I want to drink I will drink anything. Although I've battled for sometime to get the drinking in order, I'm tired of battling and so I need to walk away. I understand that I cannot control the drink - the drink is in full control of me.
Since I first began drinking at 12 years old I always drank everything I could. I didn't drink much through my marriage and having children but when I did it was always to excess.
5 years ago my marriage broke down and I hit the bottle. There are many stories of passing out etc etc but this is what I feel truly ashamed of.....

My 19 year old daughter - who is shouty and stressy - saying to me in a quiet and calm voice 'It's not very nice having to pick your Mum up off the floor and try to get her into bed, it's just not very nice seeing your Mum like that.'

When my daughter was 18 yrs and expecting a baby, she had moved into a rented house with her boyfriend. They had no car and neither could drive. The baby was due and it was my job to give her a lift to the hospital when the time came. I carried on drinking every night until she was 10 days overdue - I couldn't stop
There is no family around and she would never call on her Dad, there was only me..... that was the last time I gave up - for 11 days.

My doctors were asking for people to volunteer for a survey, I volunteered to try to shame myself. It was about drinking - I fell into the 'heavy drinking' catagory and so my liver was tested - it came up as 'boarderline problem'. I walked away and carried on drinking.

My beautiful beautiful grandaughter is 3 years old. She has stayed overnight with Grandma only once - and even then I had to drink. I couldn't put her to bed because I couldn't move away from the drink long enough, she came to bed with a drunk Grandma.

I am so so ashamed. I have 6 beautiful children who I absolutely adore, I will walk to the ends of the earth for them. My grandaughter absolutely loves her Grandma and I adore her more then I could ever imagine possible.

I have walked the children to school more times than I can remember with my head down low eating as many mints as I could to cover the smell of alcohol still in me from the night before, gone to work still very drunk.... Passed out, thrown out, banned from clubs....when I was still able to go out and drink. For the last couple of years I have hidden at home and drunk - quickly, quietly, horribly and woken up every morning and hated myself even more. Cut myself, burned myself with cigarettes, hated myself.

This morning I woke up and loved myself for being strong on my own and walking this walk on my own - no one to fall down with me, just me. And I've promised myself - no falling down this time.

This, my friends, is why I need to do this. I have a past of alcohol, self harming, self hate and low self esteem fuelled by alcohol.

My future is the most exciting place in the world, it is a positive and beautiful and healing place.

I think I'm just going to hit 'send' now and maybe run and hide. I just wanted to remember and share and shame myself. On Friday night if I wobble I will come back and read and know why that first drink must never be touched....

And here, my friends, is to freedom

crazymum_2

365days thankyou

365days

Crazymum....written with tears in my eyes.....You do not need to be shameful, you need to be bloody, absolutely, proud of yourself.

Here's to your new life!

bearacus

Crazymum- Massive hugs to you:grouphug: As 365 said you need to be proud of what you are achieving now :T
We all have them nights, days, moments, months we wish things had been different you are not alone :A x Keep on doing what your doing and feel proud:T

bearacus x

bearacus

:ASchool Night Challenge:A

Bearacus :):)
Beckseven
Chloris
Crazymum :):)
Fakeplastictwee:):):)
Gien
Maman :):)
Nettttie :):)
Shaggy :):)
Wannabefree :):)

:A3 nights:A

FlatEric :):):T
Jevvers

:A2 nights:A

:A1 night special :A

Any last minute takers are welcome

evilsquid1603

crazymum - the hardest thing to do is admit it and take the first step to doing something about it. you've already taken the first step so just carry on putting one foot in front of the other. we're all here for you. :grouphug:

cleggie

Crazymum-No need to be shameful, there is so much more reasons to be proud of yourself for admitting there is a problem, admitting you have made mistakes (havent we all!) and owning up to the fact that when you have been drinking, you have acted in a way that you would rather not have (again, havent we all!).
I too am worried about Friday night, so we'l do what we have done so far on this thread, we'll get through it together.:)
I wont be drinking as i have a long drive in store for me early on Saturday morning (embarassingly, even this wouldnt have stopped me before), so i am looking forward to waking up on Saturday morning, refreshed, energetic and sober and without worrying that i am still over the limit from the night before.:o

bearacus

Crazymum- Just a thought when I first stopped drinking in July I used to run a weekend edition of the School night challenge Fri - Sun. I would be happy to run one this weekend to keep you focused if you think it would help. i would do it with you for moral support . Don't worry if its not what you have in mind xx

bearacus xx