Children and Funerals

TimBear

Sorry for your loss.

I'm not a parent so can't comment on that side of things but I went to lots of funerals as a child and I'm pleased I did get to say goodbye.

I was taken to one as a baby which obviously I don't remember and then my next would have been when I was about 9 which for me was ok.

I suppose it depends on how well you think your children will handle it?

sarahjayne1977

SandC wrote: »

And in fairness it really is only the parents to be who will grieve - I think the funeral is for them and other attendees are showing their support, rather than mourning themselves. It's not like missing a funeral for a person a child has got to know and later in life feeling they have unfinished business or needed to say goodbye. This is a different scenario.

Having my daughter die 8 hours old, i can safely say you be suprised how much a babys death effects everyone in the parents lifes! from neighbours to work colleges anf family!

When a baby dies EVERYONE loses the dreams and hopes for that child, 1st xmas, 1st steps, 1st day at nursery, 1st day at school i could go on and on.
The grandparents grieving for they children as they going though the worst thing ever and couldn't protect them and also grieving for the loss of the grandchildren.

Honestly i think unless you have been close to someone whos had a very loved and wanted baby die you don't know how hard it is..3 years gone 28th aug since my daughter died on my brothers 30th birthday, since then i had a lot of support from my doctors and await 3rd lot of counselling. The death of my daughter will always be with me i will never get over it, I am just finding ways of coping with it.

My nana died yesterday and i can honestly say at the min i am coping ok purely as my nana had a great life and has a lot to show for it, where all i have of Emily is a birth and death cert and a Grave to visit:(

msb5262

sarahjayne1977 wrote: »

Having my daughter die 8 hours old, i can safely say you be suprised how much a babys death effects everyone in the parents lifes! from neighbours to work colleges anf family!

When a baby dies EVERYONE loses the dreams and hopes for that child, 1st xmas, 1st steps, 1st day at nursery, 1st day at school i could go on and on.
The grandparents grieving for they children as they going though the worst thing ever and couldn't protect them and also grieving for the loss of the grandchildren.

Honestly i think unless you have been close to someone whos had a very loved and wanted baby die you don't know how hard it is..3 years gone 28th aug since my daughter died on my brothers 30th birthday, since then i had a lot of support from my doctors and await 3rd lot of counselling. The death of my daughter will always be with me i will never get over it, I am just finding ways of coping with it.

My nana died yesterday and i can honestly say at the min i am coping ok purely as my nana had a great life and has a lot to show for it, where all i have of Emily is a birth and death cert and a Grave to visit:(

sarahjayne1977 ...your description of the effect on the whole family of the loss of your daughter is so moving. I'm also sorry for the loss of your nana.

Thank you for sharing your experience here - my heart goes out to you, and to the OP, and to kittenpie.

Best wishes to all

MsB

Torry_Quine

SandC wrote: »

We are talking about unborn children here, kids will not 'get' the trauma and grief being expressed - which to be honest should only be coming from the parents. I do think big funerals for this kind of loss are a bit odd.

Just because the children weren't born does not make the trauma and grief any less real for lots of people.

JC9297 wrote: »

A couple of people have said not to take the children but to take them to the wake, would you really have a wake in this situation?

Why not. Getting together after a funeral is normal, why should the funeral of babies be any different. the funeral I went to in similar circumstances recently had one and it didn't seem strange.

Person_one wrote: »

I think that's something an individual gets to decide for themselves actually, its not for you to say who should be mourning or upset.

If any of my nieces and nephews had been stillborn I, and their other aunties and uncles and their grandparents would most definitely have mourned their loss.
.

I totally agree. Grief is a very individual thing and cannot be defined.

Crispy_Ambulance

Just to add - my children attended my father's funeral, aged 8 & 10, and they were not traumatised in the least. They were very sad but there were no nightmares afterwards. We threw rosemary and lavendar onto the coffin in the grave instead of soil, so that our hands were scented with something of remembrance and they were glad to be a part of that.

We also had the coffin at home overnight to say goodbye to him properly. It was opened for a blessing and to put his diary in with him and we asked both children if they wanted to see their Grandad or not. They both said yes and had a quick look - but neither of them have been upset by the sight. They knew he was terminally ill and they saw as much of him as possible before he died, and so it wasn't strange for them to be involved in saying goodbye to him.

I think we underestimate children's ability to understand and cope with loss. The time my daughter was most upset was when she knew there was something going on with my Dad but we hadn't told her yet. It was the not knowing and the whispered conversations that upset her more than the news that he was going to die. Both kids have seen us crying over my Dad and it doesn't upset them more that we cry - I think it allows them to grieve as well.

As a society, we don't cope with death very well at all. It is something that happens away from home in general and we avoid talking about it - which only tends to make it more scary and difficult, I think. Coming to terms with the finality of bereavement is hard for adults and children but I don't think we do them any favours by skirting around the issue.

inkie

I am sorry to hear of the loss of the twins - that is so sad, and something no parent should have to go through.
I have been giving this some thought - both from the point of view as a parent and as a minister who conducts funerals.

For older children who have built up a relationship with an older loved one who passes away - going along to the funeral can be their way of saying goodbye - and I have found that this works best when the children come along to the service and not the crem/cemetery.

The level of grief that accompanies stillbirths, babies, infants is, in my experience the most profound, and therefore not a suitable environment to be taking younger children to. The adults need to have the 'freedom' to mourn without the fear of upsetting anyone else there, particularly children.

Why not see if the minister who is conducting the funeral, can do something informally with the children at a time soon after? If I was doing it, I could see the potential in gathering the children together and giving a brief gentle explaination about how the twins would have been welcomed into the family, but sadly this would not be so, but that doesn't mean that they are not loved and remembered and would include letting a balloon go with perhaps a message from the children. Just my thoughts. Thinking of you all in these difficult days.

dizziblonde

SandC wrote: »

And in fairness it really is only the parents to be who will grieve - I think the funeral is for them and other attendees are showing their support, rather than mourning themselves. It's not like missing a funeral for a person a child has got to know and later in life feeling they have unfinished business or needed to say goodbye. This is a different scenario.

I would say I hope you get hit with something to realise just how vile the things you're saying are - but I wouldn't wish a loss in pregnancy on my worst enemy.

It's a bereavement just like any other - you not only grieve for the lost unborn babies, but for the hopes and dreams you had, the future you'd mapped out - and I know if I lost this pregnancy now it would absolutely shred the entire family (we've been through a lot of losses)... would shred my mother who's spent months knitting, my grandfather absolutely over the moon at the idea of being a great-grandad, would destroy my step-father who's utterly overwhelmed with joy at the whole idea... not only is it a bereavement - it's made a hundred times worse by stupid, naive, borderline offensive comments like the ones you're making - and they're even upsetting to me now, a year, almost two down the lines from our barrage of losses to read you saying such nasty things about loss in pregnancy (be it before or after the miscarriage/stillbirth cutoff). Heck it's comments like yours that had me at the brink of suicide when I was at my lowest - and there are lots of people on the boards who've been through losses earlier or later, or worse in number than I have - who'll be reading this and the raking up of the whole "not a proper death, not a proper funeral" claptrap will be upsetting them, at what's already a quite painful time of year for them. So please, actually THINK before you do the e-equivalent of opening your mouth - there's a time and a place to offer opinions for the sake of your voice being heard and this is NOT it.

I wouldn't take them - I think that, even if they're saying otherwise, it might be too distressing for the bereaved parents to see them there really - plus even for most adults the funeral of a child is a step beyond, and it's not really in the realm of funeral "normality" and could be very distressing.

SandC

I apologise for the way I have come across on here today, I have realised that I have no understanding of the situation and had no place to give my opinions but should have only given support.

Sorry to OP and everyone else. Sincerely.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd ask Mum.

She might not be able to bear any children there.

But at the same time, she might feel better to have everyone recognise her babies as family.


If she says OK, then there is no reason why not; death is a natural part of life and the least well adjusted people I know are the ones who have never been exposed to sorrow 'to protect their innocence' as they just can't deal with it later in life.



My daughters have attended funerals; they are more accepting of death as a result. They certainly weren't traumatised by it.


But whilst I am in favour of children attending, that is with the permission of the babies' mother. Her call. Not grandma's, aunties or the woman down the street.

cheeks

Thank you so much to everyone for taking the time to post replies to my thread, for sharing your own experiences with me and offering varying views for me to ponder.
Thank you especially to Kitten_Pie and Sarahjayne for sharing your very personal and emotional experiences, i know how hard it must be for you. And thank you both for recommending support groups for my sister and her husband x
Kazza1000, i'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and for your childrens loss of their father, i can only imagine the heartbreak you have been going through x
I have spoken to all my sisters today and we have agreed that its not the right thing for us to involve the children in the funeral itself, but we will be organising a special send-off for the children, talk about the babies and release balloons etc.
I'm not sure why a gathering afterwards would be considered odd, it will give us the chance to sit down together and gather our thoughts etc.
SandC, i feel very sorry for you that you clearly don't have such close family bonds as i and other forum members are lucky enough to have with our familes. FYI, the funeral won't be 'big', only very close family will be involved.