Children and Funerals

JC9297

A couple of people have said not to take the children but to take them to the wake, would you really have a wake in this situation?

Person_one

SandC wrote: »

And in fairness it really is only the parents to be who will grieve - I think the funeral is for them and other attendees are showing their support, rather than mourning themselves. It's not like missing a funeral for a person a child has got to know and later in life feeling they have unfinished business or needed to say goodbye. This is a different scenario.

I think that's something an individual gets to decide for themselves actually, its not for you to say who should be mourning or upset.

If any of my nieces and nephews had been stillborn I, and their other aunties and uncles and their grandparents would most definitely have mourned their loss.

I think its rather uncaring to say that having the funeral is 'odd', what are you trying to achieve by telling the OP that?

OP, I don't think you should take the children. Funerals for people who have died young are awful, gut wrenching things, they will be incredibly upset to see the adults they normally depend upon and see as a steady, solid presence in such a state.

Person_one

JC9297 wrote: »

A couple of people have said not to take the children but to take them to the wake, would you really have a wake in this situation?

A wake is often the way to catch your breath again after being winded by the funeral itself. Its not a happy occasion, but going straight from burial/cremation to home and normality is too jarring usually.

SandC

Person_one wrote: »

I think that's something an individual gets to decide for themselves actually, its not for you to say who should be mourning or upset.

If any of my nieces and nephews had been stillborn I, and their other aunties and uncles and their grandparents would most definitely have mourned their loss.

I think its rather uncaring to say that having the funeral is 'odd', what are you trying to achieve by telling the OP that?

OP, I don't think you should take the children. Funerals for people who have died young are awful, gut wrenching things, they will be incredibly upset to see the adults they normally depend upon and see as a steady, solid presence in such a state.

I said 'big' funerals not that having a funeral at all is odd.

Merely expressing an opinion, which is what was asked for.

Person_one

SandC wrote: »

I said 'big' funerals not that having a funeral at all is odd.

Merely expressing an opinion, which is what was asked for.

She didn't ask for opinions on whether having a funeral was odd, she asked about taking the children.

Please remember that there are real people behind these usernames, going through awful awful things.

SandC

'Big' funeral as in it is my opinion that in these sort of cases it is likely to be close family and friends only - those directly affected. So the issue of whether or not to take children is a little different in this case, in comparison to say a grandparent, aunt or cousin passing away that they knew.

persa

I went to a funeral when I was slightly younger than the OP's DS.

Up until then, I had heard of death happening, but it wasn't a particularly clear concept. Yes, people died, but I hadn't physically seen them die or been to their funerals. I guess not being involved in the end stages, just hearing the notification, kept death from being 'real'.

I can't say I really understood what was going on at the funeral and the whole experience felt plain odd to me at the time, but it wasn't upsetting and I did feel a sense of finality. That person's life was definitely over, they weren't come back and that was death. I did take that feeling from attending, even if I didn't really listen to the details.

I will admit that after I had been to my first funeral, I did start wondering when I would get ill and die myself - from time to time I noted that I hadn't died yet and wondered when it would happen - but this didn't emotionally scar me. It was how my younger self processed the concept of mortality. I wasn't a sad child, constantly worrying about when the sky would cave in, I was simply curious about it all.

As an adult, I can't explain why, but I do feel glad to have gone to the funeral. That person, had things been different, would have been a big part of my life and wasn't, but by having gone to their funeral, I feel a little connected. From time to time, I think of them, not in a sad way, but just to remember them. Sometimes I wonder what they would have thought about X, Y or Z if they had been around.

Whether or not you take your children to the funeral, it is entirely your call and it doesn't affect how you can support your sister. If you don't want your children to be 'too aware' of the twins dying, that doesn't stop you from being aware of them dying, acknowledging your sister's loss and being there for her. You can reassure her that you will talk about her little boys when your children are older, so even if you don't feel able to get them involved in the grieving process now, you will make sure they're not forgotten.

So sorry for your loss. x

Kitten_Pie

JC9297 wrote: »

A couple of people have said not to take the children but to take them to the wake, would you really have a wake in this situation?

We had a wake (small) which we would have had with any funeral where friends who were not invited to the funeral could come and show their support. I would always suggest it as it is away of saying goodbye and talking about those lost.

SandC wrote: »

And in fairness it really is only the parents to be who will grieve - I think the funeral is for them and other attendees are showing their support, rather than mourning themselves. It's not like missing a funeral for a person a child has got to know and later in life feeling they have unfinished business or needed to say goodbye. This is a different scenario.

I don't believe this is true, the ops sister has bonded with her twins over the past 25weeks, close family and friends will also have bonded by feeling them kick discussing what they will be like and things they will do together. The loss of these twins will be felt like a ripple effect.

Crispy_Ambulance

I would ask your children if they want to attend and give them the choice. I wouldn't be too worried about them being traumatised by seeing people grieving - death is part of life and I don't think we should try and hide that from our children.

A funeral is an important ritual of saying goodbye and acknowledging that a life has ended. In the case of stillborn babies, it is perhaps even more important to mark the fact that they lived and they died. Their deaths are part of your family and perhaps your children will want to be a part of saying goodbye to them.

JulieGeorgiana

I'm so sorry for your loss x

My DS is 9 and lost his Nana a few months ago. My Ex and I disagreed (we never disagree normally) as to whether it is appropriate for a child to go to a funeral. My Ex wanted DS to be there for the whole thing, while I said that the Church Service would be hard enough, and the last thing he needed was the image of the coffins going into the ground. In the end we talked to DS about what he wanted, and decided he just wanted to go to the Church Service to say goodbye.

Afterwards my Ex agreed that I had been right, as the image of Nana being buried had been to hard for him to cope with, and had caused him nightmares and he was a grown man.

My DS found the service very hard as he had to see his Dad and Grandad overcome with emotion. And it did effect him. But it was the right decision to make in the end.

I think you should ask your 9 year old what he would like to do, and then make a decision. I would not take them to the cemetary/crematorium because this is what causes nightmares. You have to try and balance what your children need with what they can cope with.