Children and Funerals

Armchair23

Cheeks, just the fact that you are thinking about this and not rushing into things shows that you're a considerate and thoughtful person.
There aren't rights and wrongs just choices that get made, have faith that you'll do a good job for you and your family. I'm sure you will.

meritaten

hun - judging by thier reaction to your news of the babies deaths - they may not understand and would be unduly upset at the funeral. does anyone in your family not want to go to the funeral and would look after them instead?
Most adults would be upset at this and would be glad of the excuse not to attend.
would one sis 'look after the children' at home for the funeral? seems to me they would be better off not attending as they really seem not to understand?

Torry_Quine

There are no right and wrong answers to this. Only you know your children and how they would cope. I would speak to your sister though as seeing young children could be too much for her. I recently went to the funeral of a baby who died at this stage and the small white coffin can be difficult even for adults to see.

I do think though that it's important to explain to children in words they understand what has happened.

My thoughts are with you all at this difficult time.

cheeks

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.
My sister and her hubby have said it is entirely up to us whether to include the children or not. They also have a 1yr old and a 3yr old and are also undecided whether to take them to the funeral or not.
I'm so grateful for your replies, you've helped me think in a different way. I'm such a mess at the moment, i was just thinking of how the children would cope with their own grief, it hadn't even occurred to me how they'd cope seeing us, their grandparents, aunts, uncles etc so distraught.
If it were a grandparents funeral there would be no question that they would attend as they would actually know the person and would need the chance to say goodbye.

MatyMoo

So sorry for your sister and her partner, it is very sad to lose any child but twins must seem so much worse.

My two brothers (15 & 23) died when I was 7 and I wasn't allowed to go to the funerals. As an adult, and with the luxury of hindsight, I think it would have been better for me to have gone. But I can also see that my Mum had enough to cope with without me being there and she thought she was doing what was best.

However in this instance I am not sure it would be right for your children to go to their cousins funeral for a couple reasons. They didn't actually know them to build up a relationship with them and children's funerals are so much harder than an adults. In my experience of children's funerals not only are you mourning their loss but also everything that they didn't get to experience as part of growing up in to an adult, so many missed opportunities and experiences.

If you want to acknowledge their passing in some way for the little ones how about a separate ceremony just for them? Maybe setting off balloons or lanterns.

Gingham_R

I'm so sorry.

What do your children want to do? A very different situation, as it was an adult who died, but when we gave our eldest the choice he decided to stay with a friend. I think it helped that he understood what was happening and that he was able to choose for himself.

cheeks

MatyMoo, thats a lovely idea about balloons or lanterns, i will suggest that to the rest of the family tomorrow.

Thank you to everyone who has replied, you've all helped me to make my decision, i really don't think they need to be exposed to that amount of upset. I'm really grateful to you all x

meritaten

Its difficult hun - especially for the bereaved parents as they have older children (but not much older). I honestly think that as all the children are so young - could they not miss the funeral and have a loved aunty or uncle to look after them? then as matymoo suggests they have their own farewell ceremony later? set off chinese lanterns perhaps?
of course it is still up to you - your older child may cope with the funeral but not the younger?
its strange though how when you are older - being left out of funerals can eat at you - but that is usually because you knew and loved the deceased.
I am so sorry for you and the bereaved parents. Its a difficult decision - but if you prepare for the eventuallity that the kids cant cope and can be taken home - then taking them is entirely up to you.

sarahjayne1977

I am so sorry for the loss babe.
I am not gonna lie its a very very hard loss to cope with, I am over 3 years passed my own daughter dying 8 hours old. Since gone on 2 have another 2 children who are my total world:)
I will be honest and speak how i found my daughters funeral, every single person was in floods of tears and you will be too and you will try and be strong with your children there, which may find you don't let go.
Its not like a adults funeral, Adults have lived life fullfilled dreams, The coffins will be very small babe its a shock for a adult never mind a child too see something so small.
To be honest if i had my children that i have now before my daughter dying i wouldn't have took them to funeral.
It is a very personal choice though, My nana just died today and i am not taking kids to her funeral.
If you ever wanna chat my pm box is always open, if i can help you in any way.
If your sister doesn't know mention SANDS its a support group they have a forum and was my total life saver when my daughter died, auntys are welcome there aswell ((hugs)) xx

jakes-mum

so sorry for your families loss

When my uncle died my son was approx 3 and my cousin approx 10, neither of them went to the funeral. My husband and I also missed it to look after them. With regards to my DS he wasnt old enough to understand what was going on and I really didnt want him saying 'mummy I want a wee, im bored etc' during the service or the burial. My aunt didnt think my cousin was old enough either to deal with the whole funeral thing, other peoples grief etc and looking back I think she made the right decision.